A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm concerned about a female friend of my boyfriend's. They became friends about a year before he met me. She's bipolar and tends to have emotional mood swings. When she gets upset she always wants to talk to my boyfriend about it and wants to see him immediately. He usually saysHe'll come as soon as he's available (which is usually the next day) and then she gets sulky that he won't come immediately and starts talking about how she has no close friends to help her when actually she has heaps. A couple of years ago she tried to get him to go to Europe for a month with her even though he was with me and she had a boyfriend at the time. He was considering it until I told him how I felt about it. I've met this girl once and she was friendly to me so I feel bad for worrying but ever since then he goes to lunch with her or to visit her at her house alone. Last time she was complaining about being alone without close friends I invited her to come out with us and a couple of friends for a quiz night at the pub but she wouldn't come. My sister says I'm crazy to be so accommodating towards her and welcoming to her. Does she have a point? Should I be more suspicious of this girl? She is single now but has a friends with benefits relationship going with a guy. She is very sexually confident and has many male friends and has done a bit of modeling and acting.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2014): Just because she's bipolar doesn't mean she's stupid. She's still a woman.
No one has to wear white-gloves or walk on eggshells around her. She just may be a little cunning and manipulative. You need to sit down with your boyfriend and explain to him how you feel; when she demands too much of his time. As if he has an obligation to answer to her beck and call. Even giving support to friends has a limit. It's not supposed to put pressure on your relationship with your romantic partner. Listen when your partner screams "uncle."
Friends do not have the right to pull you from your mate, intrude on your time, or make demands at all. They have their rightful place in your life. Real friends don't deliberately cause harm to your relationship. They support it.
I do think it is balanced, and good for couples to have friends of both genders. Only as long as things are kept in proper perspective; they respect your trust, and they don't stress you out by allowing their friends to dominate their time. Placing undue hardship on their committed-relationship to their significant other. Be that your spouse, girlfriend, or boyfriend; to be specific.
Your boyfriend is trying to be a boyfriend to two women. That is spreading himself too thin. If he's going to be a good boyfriend, he has to be smart enough to know when he's being used; and not be so happy to accommodate this girl's every whim.
Jumping on his white horse every time she screams out a window is bullsh*t! No, let me spell it out...bullshit!
Time to lessen her dependency, and let her use her other mental-health resources. She uses him as a stand-in between breakups. I've seen this scenario so many times I could write books on the subject. I'm gay, and I've played the role of a stand-in boyfriend for my straight lady-friends. That's our job. We need women in our lives too.
Suggest that he let her call another friend once in awhile. Put your foot down. If she's in crisis, she can call her therapist. If he isn't a licensed mental-health specialist; he is over-stepping his responsibilities anyway. He should strongly recommend her to seek professional treatment when necessary. Be a friend, not a crutch.
When I suggest that people have friends of both genders, there are still strict rules that apply. Your relationship comes first. I don't give a damn how long you may have been friends; your committed partner has devoted their heart to you. They give you intimacy, affection, and loyalty beyond the call of just platonic-friendship. They have the potential to become your spouse and partner for life. As adults, we know where to draw the line.
If you're too caught-up with being with your playmates; then don't commit to a monogamous romantic relationship. They're for grown-ups. There is no such thing as being a part-time boyfriend or girlfriend. That's wasting their time. They're stupid if they allow it.
There are going to be friends who are manipulative and opportunistic. They push the envelop to use you. Some purposely compete with your girlfriend or boyfriend; just to test your loyalty. Only a damned fool wouldn't know the difference. So don't let your boyfriend play you. Your boyfriend may be playing Lancelot to her Guinevere, perhaps too often.
It boosts his ego to have two lovely women emotionally-dependent on him. Time to let him know that you don't spend so much time with other guys, and when you committed yourself to be his girlfriend, you expected him to be faithful and committed to you in return. That means not spending too much time with other women, no matter what their excuses are. She is playing on his male ego. There may be a narcissistic element in her personality disorder as well. He can't always fall for that.
If your boyfriend is always too willing to answer to her call in spite of how you feel about it; then he is not as committed to his relationship as you are. He cares too much for her welfare and places her feelings above yours. He is not her assigned nursemaid for-life. Let her use other sources for support, not just her favorite. Who just so happens to be a guy, and conveniently has a penis.
Tell him he needs to wean her off the dependency, or you will have to reconsider if you want to remain his girlfriend. You shouldn't have to feel like you're playing second-fiddle.
WARNING!!!!
Be mature. Don't let petty jealousy or insecurity be your weakness. Don't give-in to childish competition for attention. If you get plenty, be willing to share with his other friends. That is, in appropriate situations;and in proper and reasonable supply.
You shouldn't foolishly withhold your feelings if they aren't just compelled by possessiveness and you're not just a control-freak. If that is the case, then all my time writing this is being wasted.
Girlfriends and boyfriends have rights.
They have the right to enforce their boundaries, and set realistic expectations. As long as they keep it all on equal-terms. No double-standards are allowed.
Now don't go running off so fast to put an end to his friendship. We're going to address the source of your feelings. You added that she's a model and does acting.
That gives her the advantage of using her beauty to manipulate men. Draw a lot of attention, wallow in their sympathy, and bask in admiration. Always in distress and needing that one particular person who can always save her.
Again...bullsh*t!!!
You don't sit-by and let females become wedges between you and your boyfriend. You also have to let him know when you feel he's depriving you of respect and attention. You have been patient with him, and you feel he may be taking things too far and pushing your patience to the limit. You have a right to speak up. Be sure you're right. Not overreacting.
Let your maturity and logic determine when your intervention is necessary.
There is also a element of jealousy toward her as well. Her ability to get your boyfriend's attention quickly, her looks, and her talent. There is a healthy competitiveness, but don't let her shake your confidence as a woman.
People don't always know how complex bipolar or Borderline Personality Disorder can be. Many very famous and brilliant people suffer from this mental-disorder. They can function well within society. Blend-in, and make tons of money. They know how to wrap people around their little finger; even grow a fanatic following. She knows how to use her feminine mystique to her advantage. That's where your boyfriend should be discerning about when he should respond to her calls. Keeping his loyalty in the right place, and making sure your trust is justified. Fidelity comes first.
I would recommend that you have your boyfriend read the answers you've received from the aunts and uncles for objective and unbiased opinions. You can save these comments for reference. Just to make sure you aren't just yielding to your insecurities; or simply jealous that she is so pretty. Maybe because she has certain qualities or attributes you don't possess. You're beautiful and talented in your own right; or you wouldn't have stolen his heart in the first place.
Above all, give your boyfriend the benefit of the doubt.
He is a caring person. If he is attentive, sweet, supportive, loving, respectful, and affectionate to you. If he demonstrates his love abundantly. You have little to worry about. Just let him know your trust is valuable, and it is just as, if not more, important and precious as his friendship to his lady-friend. He'd best not screw it up.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2014): The trick is keep your friends close and your enemies closer. You need to show your BF you supportive and loving and accommodating. So she does not make you look bad. Then all you do is plan things know when he going to be seeing her and say oops you are so sorry, but you really cant cancel and of course he is welcome to invite her. Knowing full well that she is unlikely to come as she was hoping to get your BF alone. I am not saying tolerate everything, I am saying be smart how you do it or you will rock your boat.
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