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female
,
anonymous
writes: Is it possible for men to be just friends with females? My boyfriend has recently become friends with a girl at work and I've found out that he has texted her 15 times over the past few days even though he works with her all day. He has always had lots of female friends and told me at the beginning of our relationship that he made friends easier with women than men but I'm finding it hard to deal with. When i think back to his previous jobs, he has always made friends with girls but never had relationships with them but it's the first time he has done it while with me. He only moved into my area a year ago and is only now developing a social life through work.I know I am a very jealous and possessive person but should I be worried about theis 'new friend'?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2006): I know that women can have male friends without being attracted to them or without having emotional or physical affairs. I know that people can have crushes on each other without doing damage to their relationships. I don't know if men can be friends with women without being attracted at least a little. This is truly a hard question.I think it best to de-mystify it. If we could say in our relationships, "Hey, I think so-and-so is attractive. If you weren't around, I'd probably date him / her." If we could back off from the forbidden fruit aspect and relax and just be friends, we'd probably do well. It's difficult.My advice is pragmatic: talk to him in earnest, be as understanding and as cool as you can possibly be. Open yourself up to understand that in any long-term relationship, people will find themselves attracted to other people sometimes. It's natural. But it's what one does about that attraction that's important. Read his body language and his face when you talk about it. You'll know in your heart how he feels about her and how far it's gone or might go. It's just going to take a long time for that message to get to your head. If, after time, you continue to have doubts or worries, and if he insists nothing is going on, then my advice is to snoop. (Sorry, guys. I love men. They are awesome. But I've never met a man, even the sweetest and most level-headed I've known, who don't lie to themselves and to their women sometimes.)
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2006): There is nothing wrong with a man having female friends. Let me also stress that not every expression of jealousy or possessiveness is worthy of concern, as long as it's minimal-it is part of a lot of relationships. But you should get it in check, hun. Loving relationships will not grow with these feelings-they are toxic. What you are likely truly feeling is 'fear' and 'insecurities'. There is no room for fear in one's life, only love. I think you may be having normal emotional responses which are healthy when they signal to you that your relationship is feeling slightly off kilter Becoming aware of your sadness or frustration should urge you to do something about it. But know, if this relationship is the real thing, you should know that he will stay with you, no matter if he has female friends. I think you should bring this matter up for discussion. Then perhaps a compromise can be reached that satisfies both of you. I think all you need is more reassurances from him. People who are in relationships, do this for each other. It helps the other feel safe...it's a process that never ends...it is just part of loving. Ask him if you can meet this friend of his from work..I bet he will likely agree to that. And if he has nothing to hide-that should not be a problem. Tell him you want to meet all his male/female friends. And when you do, sit and observe. Learn to discern and judge appropriate reactions and interactions between him and his galpals. If there is anything to be worried about, you will know. Good luck, dear
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2006): Sure, you're worried now aren't you? I'll tell you something - I have a couple of female friends that email me once every day or second day. My gf may know about it, but I'm sure she has ex's and other guy friends who email and msn her too. The thing is, I am sure of myself and what I won't and will do, and I know my gf feels reassured that I won't do something to cheat on her, etc. Mind you, this is me and not your bf. We don't know who your bf is. Only you know him.
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A
female
reader, shania  +, writes (22 February 2006):
 Possibly....the fact that he has txted her 15 times...even though he sees her at work,does seem a bit suspicious.Obviously it doesnt help if you get very possessive and jealous but this time it might be with good reason.While its perfectly ok to have friends with the opposite sex....if the two people involved are attracted to each other,thats when it gets complicated.Have you suggested on going out for a drink with your boyfriend and this other girl?....if she is just a friend then he shouldnt worry or refuse your invitation...that way you should be able to tell if any thing could be going on here.If you feel that something isnt quite right....and i always go with my gut feeling...then i think you and your boyfriend should have a heart to heart chat.Only you will know once you confront the situation.Good luck.
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