A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I left my ex husband/bf (we lived together as husband and wife for 7yrs but we weren't married)for another guy just because I got bored with the relationship. He was totally heartbroken when I left.We were eachother's first true love. I met him when I was 19 and he was 25. I only thought of myself at the time when I left him and didn't really consider his feelings because I was in love with the new guy I was with. I didn't really "cheat" on my ex, as 8 months prior to leaving, I told him that it was over between us and that I was just living with him in the meantime because I wasn't strong enough to leave him until I found someone new - how convenient for me, just live with him until I found someone else! I eventually left him around 2 weeks after meeting the other guy. Anyway, my ex waited 4 years for me to come back and didn't date anyone during that time. Since I was still with the other guy, I didn't come back. So my ex went back to his country to marry this pretty girl whom his sister arranged for him to meet. She's now moved to this country and they've been married for around 2yrs now.For the past year, I've been wanting to get back with my ex and I have been thinking of him every single day. It's to the point where I get depressed. I don't go out anywhere because everywhere I go reminds me of him. I literally stay inside my home most of the time like a hermit, and I'm only in my early 30's. I don't have any friends at all, except for the guy who I left him for - we're just really close friends now.My ex used to call me before when he wasn't married to the new girl. Now, he doesn't call me at all and I'm the one who calls him asking him to come over just so I can see him. He recently told me that he still loves me and that he's afraid that if he comes over, he might even leave his wife, so he's kind of afraid of coming over and also, he probably feels like he's doing something wrong against his wife.Honestly, we just talk as friends when he comes over. He's visited me like only 3 times since he got married, and of course, his wife doesn't know. I always tell him that I want to get back with him. But I never do anything to try to get him back, like make any physical advances. However, it's killing me everyday and I wait anxiously wondering when he'll visit me next. I know I can get him back if I want to because he still loves me dearly, but my conscience won't allow me to do that. He told me that he still loves me. But at the same time, I don't know if I can continue to exist like this. I'm seriously thinking of getting him back. Please don't judge me. I'm a good person at heart and I know I created all this mess the day I left him.Please advise?
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2011): OP stands for Original Poster.
I'm glad to hear but please try not the dangle that carrot in front of him either. As lonely as you feel, being in his life might cause too much disruption even if your intentions are sound. The strength of his feelings and the passion he had for you are such that they never go away completely, the worst case scenario is that they come back just from being around you. Do your best to keep him at a very safe distance, your future happiness depends on this situation not developing any further. You see you may not understand this, but from your question and your reply I can tell your heart is good. I can tell you're a good person and while we should always own the mistakes of our past, take responsibility for them and accept any wrong doing we may have done, we cannot live with them in the present, they cannot be a part our lives anymore. Especially this case for you, because you see you've learned the lessons from those mistakes so those mistakes should be forgotten as they don't define who you are. But when you have nothing in your life in the present that fulfills you then all you have is the past and you can very easily drown in your failures and mistakes. Time to let all that go.
As for loneliness I know it all too well. Better than I wish I did but it's not a permanent condition, it's not a lifestyle nor is it something that is even hard to remedy. It's just hard to see the remedy because long term solitude is kind of comfortable and habitual. But you're already half way there because you know where it stems from. You've lived with this so long that you know why it is but not how to resolve it.
The hardest part I found about fixing it was patience. You see friendships take time to develop but long term loneliness can make us desperate for closeness, that is the main thing missing in our lives when we're lonely so when we even get the hint that we're getting close to someone we cling to them with everything we have, far too soon and it becomes way too intense from the outset. That makes friendships short and intense, usually just one friend or boyfriend and everything is on them, our loneliness is satisfied with that and we don't go make other close friends.
OP it's probably time you found some long term counseling. That way you have someone to talk about everything and anything and you don't keep things inside. This will allow you to go out, make and be satisfied with casual friendships, ones that will in time develop into deep meaningful ones. There are lots and lots of ways to make friends, there are lots of people out there very open to making new friends. New social hobbies are best, go out and take classes in something, that way you have goals and you have others striving to achieve those same goals that you can relate to. Small things like learning a new language or dance classes to improve your fitness and overall well being. I did lots of these to build new friendships.
OP bring some focus back into your life, give yourself something to look forward to, something which you're doing for yourself, you'll meet people along the way. Look in your local directory for night classes, pick something very easy and short, something which you think may be fun and try it out.
Just remember though OP, there is nothing wrong with you as a person. There is nothing in life that can't be overcome. At the moment you need to change your lifestyle and situation, the first step is the hardest but once you take it life becomes an addiction and you just want to keep moving forward and achieving bigger and better things. Life is about progress not about stagnation. So step outside of your comfort zone and challenge yourself but above all else the most important thing is to always realize that happiness is something only you can bring yourself, if you look for it in other people then you're dependent on them for that happiness and no one should have that much power over your life. Take control, make yourself happy and start building yourself a life and a future that is bright and filed with beauty and contentment. It's very achievable and we only live once.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Cerberus for taking the time out to wholeheartedly answer my question in a respectful manner. What does OP stand for by the way?To be honest, deep down I already know the answer to my own question - that is, to not interfere with his marriage. I've learnt my lesson through my own suffering and the suffering of others. That's why I have changed. I think that if I had not changed, I would have just gone for it and tried to get him to leave his wife. But I know that if that happens, the only person that I truly hurt is myself. Hurting someone else (and I hate to say it, but I mean his wife and everyone else involved) only hurts myself in the end. This said, it is still very hard for me, and I guess this is the retribution that I caused. I know what I did in the past. Now I'm paying the price.Yes, I am a very lonely person. But that's how I've been since childhood. My childhood is a whole other story altogether, which I want to leave behind...Still struggling to stay on the good path though!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2011): This married man will be a utter fool if he cheats with a cheater.
You had 7 years. You messed up. You found another man and you made your bed.
Now lie on it.
The past is over. This man will be a fool to leave his wife for you.
There is a saying: cheaters never prosper. Very true here.
Leave this man and stop trying to worm your way into his life again.
LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, Eilish  +, writes (24 February 2011):
 Stop what you are doing and leave him alone hunny. You had your chance to be with this man and you pretty much fucked it, so he moved on. Like you said he waited 4 years for you, and where were you then?
Why didn't you go back when he wasn't dating anyone? It seems to me you didn't want him until you realized you weren't the one he wanted anymore. This man went through a lot of heartbreak for you, and finally he's found happiness again. Plus, what has this other woman done to you? Don't you think it'd be rather selfish to take everything away from her just because you want it?
You can't keep coming and going from his life whenever you get bored. It's not fair on him. If you got bored the first time then you will get bored again and then this man would have to go through all that heartbreak again, is that really what you want?
He may still love you but truth is I don't think this man could trust you again. x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2011): didn't know what you had until it was gone?
He waited for you for years, maybe now it's your turn!
Remember these are peoples feelings and lives you are messing with all for the sake of your own?
I'm sorry but i think it's wrong. You have told him how you feel and i think now the ball is in his court, time for you to play the waiting game.....
Get out, have fun, enjoy yourself
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2011): There's three things you need to consider, the first is will you be able to live with doing that to his wife because you're already doing it to him, you're already emotionally cheating with him because you're sparking his interest in you again. I think that's something you are struggling with because you have a conscience and you realize how wrong you've been and how wrong what you're doing now is.
Second you got bored of the relationship which means you will get bored of it again. Please don't be confused about this, you're in love with the idea of what you had with your ex, you may also love him but don't think for one second that the same thing won't happen again, it will. You see we humans romanticize our history when we're in a rut. We get nostalgic about the good times and wish we had them again but it doesn't work like that. You see those good times never return (we have to create new ones) but they look oh so much better when times are hard but the truth is OP those times weren't as rosy as you think because you dumped him not only that but the reason you dumped him wasn't that you were bored is that you're not *in* love with him. The same still applies OP, you will get with him, I know you're going to anyway, you're planning on doing it and you've already put this plan in motion, you see your past behaviour shows the kind of person you are (I'm not saying that in a negative way by the way, nor am I judging you) but you're the kind of person that will take what she wants regardless of how it effects others and even though you know it hurts others and even though you're not comfortable hurting others you're going to do it anyway, you see you simply just don't have anything better to do. In a year or two you're going to end up in the same place you were when you left him the first time, realizing that you don't actually love him enough not to get bored of him. But you see it's going to be far worse this time OP because you're essentially going to ruin his life this time.
You see OP it's not your love for him that makes you want him back, it's the idea of love in general, you see you're bored with your life, you're lonely, you have no friends and no outlet for your affections so all you have is the forlorn wish to have the happiness you had in the past. That's normal for someone in your situation but you then see your ex as the key to that happiness but he's not. That's what this is OP and that's why you feel this reluctance you see you know deep down in your heart, maybe not consciously but your gut is telling you that you're not in love with this guy, only in love with the happiness you miss. Your gut is very reluctant and I even suspect it kind of feels sick at the thought of getting back with him and what will happen because you'll destroy his life only to find out he's not actually what you wanted.
The third thing you have to consider is how having your recent ex in your life as a close friend, the guy you left him for will make him feel. You also have to consider that you've already started to ruin his marriage by sparking up his feelings for you again and OP that's incredibly selfish, that's beyond bad OP.
OP why does this feel so wrong to you? It feels very very wrong doesn't it? There's things about this situation that make you really uncomfortable, that's why you've come here. You've come here to hopefully get a strangers take on the situation and hopefully get a perspective that puts your mind at ease. But we can't do that because you already know in your heart how this will turn out and the whirlwind of pain you not only cause him, his wife and their families but most importantly to you.
You see OP this is a direct result of your solitude and your loneliness. You like to think that you missing him is the cause of that but it's not, it's the other way around. It sounds to me like you're the kind of person that puts all of themselves into relationships and don't have any independent friendships outside of that. Your boyfriends friends become your friends and you spend all your time and effort on your boyfriends. You're doing that again here. What you actually need is to get a life (I don't mean that in a patronizing way) you need to go out and make friends, you need to get yourself a social life, independence and all the benefits of that. How can you not get bored of guys when they're all you have in your life?
OP solitude and isolation makes us humans go crazy, it really messes with our heads and makes us unhappy. It's doing that to you now, this depression and sadness you feel is not a result of not being with your ex it's a result of not having anyone. Of not having anyone to be with, to hold, to talk to, to have fun with. Of not having people to be close to and you see your mind sees your ex and the fact he was willing to wait years and still loves you as a means of never feeling that way again. But you'll just get bored again become lonely again and you'll be in a bigger mess because you will mess up so many lives this time.
Go out and make friends, get out of your house and join some walking clubs, some dancing groups, anything. Just get out there and create a social circle for yourself. go out and meet other guys, make a group of regular friends, go out and do stuff to unwind. Because what you're considering is not something you should consider because if you truly loved this guy you'd want him to be happy, you wouldn't do this to him and his wife, you wouldn't be stirring up his feelings for you. He deserves a kind of happiness you can't give him OP, he deserves and has a long term future. A wife, a family why are you going to ruin all that. Haven't you already hurt him enough? Do you see absolutely no problem in doing all that to him again? OP are you really willing to take the risk that it's going to happen all over again? Because I can tell you, a guy that loves you as much as he does, if you hurt him that way again it might end him. $-5 years it took him to move on last time and find happiness again. He may never find that again OP, you may completely ruin his life and destroy him permanently. Is that something you're okay with?
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