A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hey, I'd appreciate some advice from girls and especially guys out there about whether I should ask my bf about the time he cheated. We were together for 8 years, living together, and then I found out he was seeing a woman from work for some time, posting on adult dating sites and sending/receiving lewd texts to girls. He left our home and we broke up 12 months ago. However, he called me regularly to say he missed me, and 6 months ago he said he wanted us to get back together, which we did. We talked about why he cheated (I was working long hours, making new friends, he didn't want to meet my new friends, sought attention elsewhere), and I did forgive him because I love him. Things have been much better since we got back together and I'm starting to trust him again, but I still have so many questions - like, how did the thing with this woman from work happen, who started it, what exactly happened (he says 'nothing serious', she has now left her job and works elsewhere), when did it happen, what did he want from it, etc. He gets so cross if I ever mention her name - sometimes he calls me the pet names I know he called her, and I say "please don't call me that because you used to call X that." He wants to put it behind him and forget about it. Do I accept that I will never know the answers to my questions? Or do you think I should ask him my questions once and for all, so that I get my closure and can truly move on? How would you feel if you were the guy in this position and your gf asked you to tell her this info? Thanks for your advice.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2009): as women we want to know it all - all the gory details but can you stomach it.
i think he is a coward for just wanting to put this affair behind him and forget that it happened. it happened and there was a reason for it - yes, what did she provide him that you didn't. i see the reasons for his affair was all about what you did - "I was working long hours, making new friends, he didn't want to meet my new friends, sought attention elsewhere". how very convenient for him to blame you for his affair. you did not force him to have sex with someone else. he choose to. and he must accpet that his actions have consequences and the consequences is knowing everything.
yes, for a while you will go mad just thinking about it but if you really want to strengthen your relationship, then yes you need the details. then, if ever he strays again you will be forarmed and actually forewarned.
i think you need to question your bf more. no use in him just getting angry and not wanting to answer you. imagine if it was you sleeping with a work colleague, then what. he wouldn't even consider taking you back.
you have every right to want to know the details but please be prepared for the emotional trauma, but once you know how are going to react - will you throw it on his face each time he messes up. will it eat you up until you cannot take it anymore.
trust needs to be earned and your bf has really betrayed you. it is so sad that he has not taken ownership of his indescretion but merely says that t was nothing. damn it, it was something and he must stop lying. he must be honest and he must face the consequences. it's like having an accident and pretending that you didn't. it was an event in your life and you need to acknowledge it.
i think your bf has gotten away with murder, not being accountable. calling you the pet names he had for her is a no-no. he has disrespected you enough. (and anyway having pet names for her means that it was something). you two need to slowly rebuild your lives but please, you are now re-investing with him, please ensure that he is worth it in the end. only time will heal but the more you let these feeling fester the more it will eat at you. only he con come clean with the details to move on. sex is a very personal thing and you need to ensure now that he is satisfied. how - just ask him outright and directly what he prefers.
good luck and please be strong.
A
female
reader, sexi suga  +, writes (9 May 2009):
i was in the same situation and i believe it worked for me... knowing exactly why how when what really made me understand the concept to why he cheated... it is a very very difficult thing to hear trust me and i did go completely crazy hearing about it but in the longer run it made me realise everything
coz what i found is the not knowwing which is the worst part as all i did was make things up in my head of what did happen and that wasnt always the correct picture.... as in i would make things worse then they actually was...
but truthfully it was the hardest thing to hear.. and i believe if you ask for honesty you have to have the strengh n stomach to deal with it otherwise dont ask
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2009): Trust me, its worse once you know
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2009): Thanks for the answers. I guess part of me wants to know the details, but part of me probably doesn't, in which case, have you any tips for closure without the details? How do I stop worrying/thinking about it all? Thanks.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2009): i think you shouldnt..i think you should put the past behind you!..
Though maybe you should just incase he decideds to to it in the future and you dont want that to happen..though ask him nicely dont come across..Tell Me Right Now Why you did it!!
Good Luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2009): If I were he, I'd want to make sure you could deal with all the gory details before unloading them onto you. Would it give you the closure you're looking for or would it open up a whole new can of worms? You have to make sure you can deal with things you might not want to hear if he were to tell you everything there is to know.
Ask yourself "Do I REALLY want to know all this?" and "Will it give me the closure I'm looking for?"
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