A
male
age
36-40,
*elican87
writes:Hi,I wanted to know if anyone has any advice for me.I'm a 21 year old male involved with a 20 year old girl. This is the first relationship for both of us, and we're 2+ months into the relationship, although we were good friends for years before that (hence when our relationship started, it progressed rather quickly because we already knew everything about each other).Ever since we each went home for summer break, I've noticed a decrease in her outward sense of affection towards me. In these past 2 weeks we've talked and videochatted every day, but she never says I love you to me and i always have to say it. Even when I say it, her response is simply devoid of emotion. She doesn't contact me unless i contact her, and even though she says she loves me, she doesn't do anything to back it up. It's very frustrating because I try to send her sweet or fun texts or emails or calls and I get nothing in return.My concern is my next step: should I tell her this? I am an affectionate person but I also really need affection to not get frustrated. And she knows and admits she has a problem expressing herself. But her lack of non-initiated contact and her lack of affection makes her appear indifferent to our relationship.So should I talk to her and ask her to be more affectionate? Isn't that silly, to ask someone to change in such a way (i.e. isn't it then fake whenever they DO act affectionate?)? Or could it be that our personalities simply aren't compatible and we shouldn't be together?Any help or advice is VERY welcome and appreciated.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2008): Two weeks is not a long time. If she's at home, she may not have much privacy and feel self-conscious about showing her love for you if her family might overhear. But if the lack of affectionate display continues for much longer, you should ask her whether she's having second thoughts.
If she protests that she does still want to be with you, it may be a matter of style. Some people show love by gifts and attentions; others show it by being thoughtful listeners, and yet others by bear hugs and jokes. Alas, humans are not mindreaders. If you want your girlfriend to show you affection in the way you want her to, you will have to ask (humorously, perhaps.)
I have had the same situation in my marriage and in the end I have had to give not just strong hints, but a list of examples of the ways I'd like hubby to show his love. So his acts of affection are not surprises, but in the end it is a sign of love that he does go out of his way for me.
Best of luck and I hope that your girl is still thinking of you.
A
male
reader, pelican87 +, writes (6 June 2008):
pelican87 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi again,
Thank you so much for the friendly advice! I will definitely do that and we'll see what happens :)
Thanks again!
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A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (5 June 2008):
 Hi again,
sorry got things mixed up there. but I guess the principle is the same, you are still trying to figure out why she has changed.
If it is at all possible try and see her personally, it is a big thing you are going to say to her you need to see her in person when she replies I believe.
Something serious could just be on her mind or maybe you are even overreacting a little if you have only been back 2 weeks you may be jumping the gun a bit.
the only way you are going to find out is to ask.
Of course you could ask in a round about way. Maybe ask her simply how things are at home? But you may just get a vague answer and be back at square one.
I would arrange to see her, make a day of it, picnic/movie/dinner whatever, just the two of you.
good luck.
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A
male
reader, pelican87 +, writes (5 June 2008):
pelican87 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Collaroy,Thanks so much for your helpful advice. Just a small thing: we've been together all this time at school, and now we've gone back to our own homes (reverse of what you said). So I can't really meet up with her...would this be an OK conversation to have online? Or is the sort of thing that requires looking at body language etc.?I know she hasn't found someone else because she's only been home for 2 weeks and she's been inside the house for the majority of that time (I know through a third source). And most of her time in the house she's videochatting with me.But you're right, I should ask her. What should I say? Is this even a conversation we can have online or over the phone? Does it make me look silly if I ask for more affection? I feel like this weird considering I'm the male haha...Thanks again for your advice!
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A
male
reader, Collaroy +, writes (5 June 2008):
Hi mate,
I hate to say this but it looks like one of two things.
1. While away at college she has grown apart from you and probably sees you as more of a friend than a boyfriend.
2. She has found someone else.
I'm afraid she is giving out classic signs of going cold on you , its not the affection you should be so worried so much now it's whether she wants to be with you at all.
Now that you are both home, tell her you want to meet up as you have something on your mind. When you talk ask her outright if she feels you have a future together. If she says you do then tell her you feel that she isnt as affectionate as she used to be and it is worrying you.
The only way to find out for sure is to ask her.
Good luck champ.
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