A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My wife just informed me that she put a password lock on her smart phone, so that the kids cannot access her phone. I did not ask for the password. This is something we have never done before. I don't regularly read her texts and things. To be perfectly honest, I have read them maybe 2 or 3 times in the past few months, as I was jealous of her growing friendship with a man we both know. I told her what I did at the time, asked her to clarify some communication with him that, she agreed, could easily be misinterpreted, and let it go. I'm not so sure what to do now? Ask for the password? We have been together for over. a decade, all our accounts are joint accounts, neither of us has ever had a passwords account of any kind that the other does not know. This feels weird for us. In the broader picture, I know that passwords don't really make that much of a difference, as she could just delete everything she's doing anyway. So, even aside from the snooping issue, it just feels weird. What do u all think?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2012): Keep an eye. there are sometimes good reasons that lead to trust issues, in the first place you might have noticed something off that's why you checked her mail. your mistake was that you told her about it. you should have just watched until you are sure she is cheating. Now even if she is cheating , she will try to hide it well. if you ask her for the password, as you said, she will mistrust you more and if she is cheating ,she will try to hide it with even extra care.
Pretend you are not worried about this and you are totally trusting her. in the same time, keep an eye. there are many ways to check what she is doing. you just need patience and good temper. You might be wrong about her, or you might be right.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2012): Interesting this question should come up...I just got my first smart phone and it has that password lock thing on it. I was doing a bunch of stuff the other evening, left my phone inside to charge and later when I checked it, I could not get in because the passcode had been tried incorrectly too many times and I had to sign in with some email account...WTH? The only person who was home was my Fiance...I was so shocked he would do this, I couldn't even gather the words to ask WHY? If he wanted to get in my phone all he had to do was ask. I only put the password code on mine because my email and Facebook are open on there so if I was to leave my phone or it got stolen or something, all that info would be up and easily accessed. Plus I don't want my kids reading some of the "sexy" text messages my Fiance and I send each other during the day! I am new to this phone so I am still learning.I guess my point is, we didn't have this issue before and now we have one...all because he tried to go in my phone when I wasn't around...not cool...I have nothing to hide from him, not sure why he did this or thinks he needed to. I have to address it with him, but I am still a little shaken by the whole thing....
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2012): A few months ago I decided to password protect my cell: before doing this I advised my husband :1. That I was putting in a password2. The reason: work related. I have highly confidential legal info for 3rd parties. 3. I also gave him the password.I was transparent. I was upfront. Being married for over 20 years and then suddenly having a password may have been perceived as me wanting to hide something. I pre empted all/any suspicion right from the start. OP, Your wife knew that you are/were uneasy about a certain man/"friend". She now has conveniently decided to lock her phone. No good reason? And she hasn't had the decency to advise you what the password is? I think you need to keep an eye on the wifely. You may uncover some hectic info. She may be innocent BUT a sudden lock? This is NOT about you not trusting her. Its about her withholding info from you.LoveGirl
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2012): Thanks for the insight. I will follow your advice and not ask for the password. She is easily shrewd enough to hide any incriminating messages, should she ever want to. Thus, my asking for the code seems like it would do nothing more than drive a wedge of resentment between us. Perhaps I need to control my imagination, as suggested by one, as this really is no way to live. Thanks again...
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A
female
reader, hopeless romantic 101 +, writes (13 June 2012):
You need to work on your trust issues with her by expressing how you feel to her rather than asking for the password. But she does give you a reason to be suspicious obviously the password was to block you not the kids and maybe its because you've went through her stuff before and she doesn't trust you with her phone! Also this friendship she has is suspicious that's why you both should talk. You need to agree not to look through her phone and she needs to agree to not hide anything from you and you BOTH need to trust each other to stand by your promises.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2012): Strikes me that if she told you she did this it's better than not telling you. After all, if you don't normally look at her phone you would never have known the difference.
You did invade her privacy when you looked at her phone and nobody likes this so maybe it's the reason. I think you did the right thing in questioning her about the male friend. If you've truly let it go then just leave it regarding the password. If not, have a further talk with her. Communication is the key.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2012): I think that unless your wife voluntarily gives you her password, you have no right to ask for it. the fact that you want her password shows that you dont' trust her. And if you ask her to give you her password that will make her mistrust you too. It will just deepen the lack of trust in your marriage.It's sort of like demanding that she hand over to you her secret diary or journal. It would be nice if she voluntarily gave her password to you but if she doesn't you have no right to ask her to hand that over. just because you're married doesn't give you the right to access every last frontier of her personal life. this really is about your mistrust of her regarding her friendship. even if she did give you her password that's not going to solve the problem. You'll just drive yourself crazy checking her phone all the time, reading all her messages and wondering if there's hidden meanings or code words, getting anxious about little discrepancies, then wondering if she's hiding a second secret cell phone somewhere else, etc etc. Once you go down the road of monitoring your spouse, whenever you go looking for clues of infidelity you will find something that will feed your frenzy and it will never end.you really need to be talking to her about your lack of trust. and maybe you may also need to learn to control your insecurity and imagination. look, if your wife really wanted to cheat on you, she would with or without sharing her password with you. Few people who want to cheat stop permanently just because their spouse is monitoring them, usually they just figure out how to be more secretive or they will wait until the spouse has relaxed a bit before they do it (which means that you'll have be on edge the rest of your life monitoring her which is no way for you to live). So just don't even go there. Gaining access to her privacy is not the key to solving your marital problems. Rebuilding your relationship is what you need to be trying to do.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (12 June 2012):
 Oh dear… I see big huge red flags here… am I the only one?
Is her phone a new phone? What is it that she’s keeping the kids out of?
There is a GROWING friendship with a MAN that you are concerned about and clearly you are wondering why this new need to password protect the phone…
My partner reads my texts and my emails and I laugh at it and find it amusing, there is nothing that I hide from him…
IT feels weird for YOU but clearly it’s not weird for her or she would not have done it…
She said it was for the kids… she told you before you asked… sounds like she’s being proactive and trying to avoid an issue.
I personally would ask her for the password (in case of an emergency and see what she does) if she balks, you have a bigger problem…
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (12 June 2012):
 I don't think you should ask for the password. That will only create an atmosphere of mistrust.
Keep a lazy, but discreet eye on the situation. If your wife doesn't give you any other reason to questions her, then lave it alone.
I used to have a password for my cell phone, but that was after my husband went through it. I'd only had the damn thing for 6 months (my first one too) compared to the more than 15 years he had had his (and I never went through that). I wasn't up to anything. I was just fed up of being monitored and threatened, especially by someone who was so guarded about his own privacy.
If your wife feels this way with you, she is going to see this marriage as a prison.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (12 June 2012):
 Well if I am honest with you, you have been together a long time so it makes me wonder what is the reason that you want to be snooping in the first place? Have you trust issues with her? If so then they need to be addressed, the issue here is not the password it is an issue that you have with trust. I think yes that needs to be addressed and there is obviously a reason behind why you feel like this.
If I am honest with you yes it is good in a relationship that you share everything, but I really do not see the big deal in her having a password on her phone. If you trusted her like you should it would not be an issue for you.
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