A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my boyfriend for 7 months now, slowly but surely he has been telling me about this female friend that he had a crush on for years, since high school. They are really good friends, but she doesn't currenlty live in the country, but she will be returning in a month. Anyways, he told me almost everything about his past "relationship" with this girl, because he says he doesn't like her or want her anymore,and he doesn't want there to be any secrets between us. Actually he was never really in a relationship with the girl, because the girl has always been in a commited relationship (now 8 years) with the same guy, so he never really got his chance with her. When we were a few weeks into dating, the girl was in town and he had lunch with her, and the girl told him that she was ready to be with him when she returned for good (that is now in a month), but he was already seeing me so he shut her down. She said if she can't be with him, she will stay in her current relationship. During that same visit, she texted him naked pics of herself.She's engaged now, and when he received that message, he wasn't really happy, obviously because she doesn't really love the guy she's with. That same day my bf and I had a long talk about his feelings and her feelings, and once again he made it clear that she was too late, that she had her chances more than once to choose him, but she always chose for her bf (which is a cheater). And that he loves me now and only wants me.I sometimes go through his conversations/messages on the phone and I found two red flags that I can't talk to him about because then he would know that I was snooping. First, he told her that if he was her bf, he wouldn't let her go out at night alone. Second flag was that he told her that she looked extremely hot in her profile pic.Now this is my question, I know I can't forbid him to chat with her and talk to her on the phone, because they are "friends". But should I allow him to see her and take her to lunch and stuff like that, knowing that she has clearly made her feelings about him clear? And if he had a crush on her for years, will it ever go away, like he states has happened?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2011): It sounds to me as if they are very different creatures.She sounds like she is flirty and, when she got bored with her boyfriend/fiancee of 8 years, started looking elsewhere for a bit of excitement.Your boyfriend on the other hand sounds a bit naive and also a decent guy who could potentially get reeled in by the woman in question. She must be pretty full of herself to send him naked pictures of herself! God, I wouldn't even do that for my partner, let alone someone else's! Anyway, seems to me like your bf has been very honest with you admitting that he had a crush on her - and if she is a flirt and he is naive and a decent guy then you could see why this would happen - and maybe still harbouring a secret wish that he could be with her sexually JUST THE ONE TIME if you know what I mean?ie. he might be tempted to put his curiosity to "rest" but it could backfire if she is really intent on snatching him from you.Tell him of your concerns. I wouldn't mention the texts at all and although it is snooping and I think it is not right, I can understand why you did it. See how he reacts when you say "I don't want you to see this person, I don't trust her".
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2011): Hahahha. Ok, I am not sure the first flag is really bad. he could just be saying you're loose and, as a bf, I wouldn't let you out. But the stuff about looking hot. Ask yourself: would he ever say this in front of me? If the answer is yes, you appear to have an open relationship and that's cool. If it's no, then you're boyfriend is dishonest. He is hiding something he wouldn't say in front of you, something that would hurt you and something that would entice the other woman. So, would you send him out with this girl? In all honesty, they both seem like idiots. And I am sorry to say that to you.
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