A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes: I have been married for a long time now and I am feeling guilty. When we met my husband asked me if I was a virgin I lied and said yes. I have only been with one other man and there is no way he will ever find out. If I tell him I am afraid I will break his heart. I am afraid he will lose respect for me. If I don't tell him I will have to continue to carry this guilt. Should I tell him or not? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2010): ...........so your marriage was based on a lie right from the start?
only you know whether you can continue to lie and pretend. when your conscious catches up with you then you will tell him.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2010): If staying quiet was working, would you be here asking the question after all these years?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2010): Don't tell him. I was in your position and told him. He said he accepted it and forgave me but then his respect went out of the window. He would be cold towards me and went on a number of revenge affairs. Our marriage broke down. Just ask yourself why you told him you were a virgin in the first place. If you told him because you knew that his standards expected you to be one then revealing this will make him think he married you by fraud. He will think he was living a lie. All the good things that have happened between you all these years will be swallowed up by this one little thing. Its better for you to live with guilt than with pain. At least guilt can be assuaged but pain is difficult to escape. Funny thing is, he may choose to continue to make you feel guilty anyway by reminding you of this whenever you have beef with him for the rest of your lives, so it can be far worse. Comfort yourself by the thought that he probably has skeletons too.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2010): I probably would not. There is more to lose than gain at this point. He may not care now, but that is your call. How much is it really bothering you and why?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2010): Was he a virgin when you met? Has he only ever had sex with you?
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A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (21 March 2010):
 My wife and I are in your age range. We got together when she was 18, and she said she was a virgin. At the time it mattered to me a great deal. Even if she hadn't had intercourse, the idea of other things she might have done made slightly crazy.
All these years later? It doesn't matter. If I somehow found out -- either details of what on when she was dating others, or that she hadn't been a virgin -- it would make no difference whatever. We've been together well over half her life, during her entire adult life in fact. All the water that's passed under the bridge during that time --- children, careers, deaths -- it makes my fussing when I was 20 seem all the more childish.
You know your husband, although perhaps like other long-term couples your communication is no longer what it might be. It's your call as to whether to unburden yourself. It might break his heart. He might want to hear details -- you better think through just how much you want to divulge before you start. But it *is* possible that it won't be a big deal at all.
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A
female
reader, answersqueen  +, writes (21 March 2010):
Yes, i think you should tell him i know it may be hard for him to understand at first but its not like you cheated on him it was before you even knew him you love him and he loves you thats all that matters
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2010): Don't tell him. After all of these years, telling him will just add complication to an otherwise successful marriage. You will destroy him if you do this and it's not fair of you to hurt him just so you can feel less guilty.
Think about the reasons why you lied to him all those years ago and forgive yourself. Let it go.
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