A
female
age
51-59,
*rinta
writes:Hi this is the first time i am writing here. Well, i am in relationship many years. It seems serious. We had said, when i finish my studies to get engaged. But after the years i rethink again and again if this man is my best choice. A)He is from a different background and although, this was not a problem to me, there were/are some issues, that we can not "communicate". together. he believes that our child should not study, but get a job. I believe that for a general knowledge of life and better support someone has to study.B.He is used from his family situation, where his mother is always at home cooking..etc and he believe that i should do the same after my job (cause he isnot paid enough and i would "have to work'.I am working now and study together and i dont want to quit my job, because i like it. I believe that in a family both of them should help (husband and wife) and i dont want to get married to be a slave into the house and the husband to lay on the sofa wating the hot meal and the shoes.C. After the highschool, he stays on a job without future and he does not do anything new about that, not even search for a new job, cause he is afraid that they will fire him.. in the new job, or they will pay him worse....On the other hand I am always searching for something better. Perhaps it is my studies, my insistence and my family's better wealth that helps me find better jobs.D. When we go out, he always call his friends to come with us. I dont have problems with them, but the thing that ALWAYS is someone with us, make me wonder that if he is bored of me. When i discussed that with him, he told me that i am problematic and i dont want his friends....The silly part is that only in bed we are alone!!I am ok that during the years we want to hand out with our friends too, but ALWAYS???E. Many times when i suggest to do something and he does not agree....when a friend of him suggest the same.. he agree!!! F. And a less serious problem: He is afraid of the airplanes and he prefers to travel by car/train/boat. I travel a lot and i dont want to reduce that.Now many of his friends are married and many of his relatives want him to get married and he ask me what should i decide? Tha fact is that i am afraid. I am afraid that i will be stuck to his family reality, stuck to his "job situation" and "locked "into the kitchen!!! I dont even know where i should be next year. My home city is different, i have my parents there alone, some holdings that i have to take care in the future, maybe a better quality of life (not a big city) and maybe more possibilities for a better job.Well, I have not discuss about my boyfriend to my family. I want my family to know him only when i decide to get married. If i have decided to get him to know my parents , all my relatives (very close family) would start to make comments about everything. NOBOBY i want to interfear to my private life.
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female
reader, Deema  +, writes (15 November 2009):
 Hi honey. I can see you have a huuuuuge culture difference there, and that alone is not easy. I too am married to a man from a different culture and you kind of have to teach them and train them in your culture, as well as respecting theirs. And yes, I completely understand the one about him always inviting friends along when you go out. My husband too often used to do that, which is fine if you get time alone with them too, but not if you don't. However, in some cultures - such as my husbands - they don't know about couples having time together. The only time they meet is in bed, and that seems to be fine for them, but not so in our culture. So if you want to get over that one you can. Youhave to find a way to compromise. What I tend to do is let him have his time with his friends, and then he has his time with me. I'm not polite any more entertaining and being out with people I really don't want to be with because they don't speak in English or really need me to be there. We find it beter to do our own thing and then meet in the middle at others. It's taken us a long time to get to this point - 5 years now - and we are now open and honest about what we do and don't want to do. You also have to be honest and open about what is and isn't acceptable to you as a woman in the way of the house etc. Again, we have both had to make some adjustments - I now iron which I NEVER did for my ex husband, but then he was very able at these things - but in return I get meals cooked for me and food brought home, so I feel its a fair exchange. If you love him and you can be mature enough to see that these culture differences are not personal, you can get through these issues - providing he respects you and your opinions. If he doesn't, and you don't know a way to make him, then I'd say no way jose, but if he is respectful and wants to make you happy, then you will find a way through communication and honesty. Good luck.
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