A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:Recently having met a new man he seems fairly interested BUT he says he doesnt want a relationship and he has also said he "fears" I want "more" because he mentioned someone he was flirting with and I said it wasnt nice when he had invited me out for a meal to be talking about other women-after which - he e mailed me and said he realised I wanted "more" (his words) so didnt want to persue it with me. By MORE does he mean objecting to sleeping with other/s???????? Am I supposed to not mind???????Am I so wrong not to want to start "soemthing" however minoar knowing he is sleeping with other/s? It doesnt mean I want marriage I have far too much to lose to egt married (property/financial wise and been there before) I know he isnt mine but surely do I really want someone who is sleeping with at least one other person knowingly? and what the hell does he mean by I want "more" is there anything wrong with sleeping with one person then if he wants to start soemthing with someone - else fair enough- break off with me. WHAT did I say wrong????
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male
reader, hdell  +, writes (4 August 2008):
You have so many questions about this guy and the kind of relationship you want with him that you'd better forget him.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2008): I don't think by you wanting more he meant he wanted to sleep with others -- I think he meant that you wanted more as in a relationship, marriage etc whereas he probably didn't.
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A
female
reader, lexilou +, writes (3 August 2008):
 Your comment makes me think you have been treated badly many times. Not all guys are the same, it took me to 36 years old to realise that and find the right one. You can do so much better than this guy x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2008): I guess I can't comment to what it is like these days, but I think that when my wife and me were dating about 30 years ago that maybe 2/3 of the women wanted a commitment and 2/3 of the men didn't. However, it depended on where both were in their life. My wife met most men she dated in bars and clubs and I met most women who I dated at work. Perhaps that is the difference or perhaps it is just men vs. women. She was just like me 3 years before me. One of the women who I dated wanted a commitment, but was willing to wait for a few months and share. She was also dating anohter man. Another one had no desire for a commitment and just wanted to date around and have fun. I had to share her too. She had just left her husband recently, so she was like my wife the first year after she left her ex. Once my wife made up her mind that she wanted me, she had no desire at all to date someone else, even though I was dating others. That was after our first date and she broke up with her current boyfriend. Once I made up my mind that she was what I wanted then I also had no desire to date anyone else. It wasn't as good as being with her. As I said, that took about 2 years for me. She didn't start to look for a commited relationship for a year or 2 after she started dating after she left her ex.
Some men and women want everything in a relationship to be exactly as they see it should be and others are more realistic about what people need. Some men and women leave a relationship as soon as the first thing goes wrong and others want to stay and work the problems out. Some look at the best parts and some look at the worst. Opinions and ideas go from jet black to pure white and everything in between. Only you can decide what is best for you. I can only state what my and my wife's life experiences have taught us and what worked for us.
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A
female
reader, duskyrowe +, writes (3 August 2008):
 Leave him to it to do whatever he wants! If I was you I would value myself better and not have anything to do with this stupid excuse of a human being.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the replies however its not true that there are lots of nice guys out there waiting to date exclsuively-we all know this is NOT the case.
MOST men do not want one woman they want as many as they can get/have-if only this was true that there are guys who dont want to do this!!!!!!! It seems men do not want to commit to one decent woman these days
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A
female
reader, lexilou +, writes (3 August 2008):
Move on!!
When guys say they dont want a relationship they rarely change their minds. Why should he settle down with one when he can sleep with lots of women! That's obviously his mentality and thats his choice but you are worth so much more. He'd probably ask you to start 'swinging' next!
Think of it as a lucky escape, you would probably develop strong feeling for this guy only to be hurt time and time again by him until he decides you are too clingy for his needs and dumps you altogether.
There are lots of single guys out there who would love the chance to date a nice woman exclusively x
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2008): "The reality is ... unless he's good looking, charming, rich and successful, he's unlikely to be able to make it happen the way it is in his imagination."
I wasn't any of those things and I still had one woman want to allow me all the time I needed (at least a couple of years) and another one willing to give me a few months. I was shy, not exactly poor and had a good job and not particularly handsome. I wasn't an experienced or proficient lover. The one thing that I did have going for me was I cared for the women. I treated them nicely and was much more interested in their enjoyment of our sex then I was in my own enjoyment. That was something that I didn't do well in my first marriage and I made a big effort to change. Being honest, caring, treating them with respect (especially sexually) and trying my best to make them feel good is what made the difference. This includes complements (not too many or non-believable), affection (holding, cuddling, kissing and showering together) and making them laugh when out to dinner or just sitting around talking is what makes the difference. At least with 3 of the 5 women who I dated. My wife just told me that she wouldn't have thought that it was worth it if I had not treated her as I did.
I guess it depends on how you treat them and where they are in their lives and what they want at the time. We were all in our mid 30s at the time.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhe is NOT good looking and the ladeis at work said I was in a different league but he is fairly well off HOWEVER he doesnt like spenidn it so if they think they will egt money "from" him I think they are mistaken although of course showing them his loveyl house would be a lure!!!!!
My friends think he looks a Jack The Lad!!!!!
However I like him but obviously he doesnt like me that much!!!!
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (3 August 2008):
 "I am not sure if he will find many females happy to go along with what he is saying."
Ah, well I completely agree with you there! He may be being unrealistic: plenty of (older) men imagine these fantastic situations where they're sleeping with an array of different attractive women whilst retaining their independence. The reality is ... unless he's good looking, charming, rich and successful, he's unlikely to be able to make it happen the way it is in his imagination.
But like I said, at least he's being honest with you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2008): I agree with Yos’s thoughts. You just want different things at this point. There is nothing wrong with what either of you want. At least both of you are honest about it. The same thing happened to my wife and me many years ago when we were in our mid 30s. She got divorced about 3 years before I did. She was ready to settle down now and I was ready to discover where I wanted and needed to go from here. Both of us had gotten divorced from our only sexual partners at the time.
After her divorce 3 years earlier, she met a nice guy and dated him for over a year, but she didn’t want to get too serious and wanted to experience others, so she told him that she would be dating others and did so. When we started dating, she was ready for a serious relationship and wanted it to be with me, but I was ready to discover what type of woman I wanted to be with and needed time to reflect on my previous marriage and the things I did wrong to make it fail. She told me to date others for as long as I needed to and I did on and off for the next 2 ½ years. It worked out very well for both of us and made us realize that we were the ones for each other. It was better than us breaking up, as we have been happy together for 29 years now. Of course, I was happy with the arrangement, but so was she. I needed time and she was very willing to give me that time to do what I needed at that point in my life.
I have no idea why he wants to date others. Did he recently go through a divorce or a failed relationship where he got hurt by it? I assume that by the “I want more” comment that he means that he gets the impression that you want a more serious relationship than he is ready for. Talk to him about it and ask him what he means by it. Maybe he’s in it just for companionship and sex. Maybe he’s not ready for something more serious.
He shouldn’t be talking about other women to you when out to dinner. I agree with that. Unless you want to, of course. My wife would occasionally ask me about someone else when we were together, like, “Were you with Xxxxxx last night?” She never knew the other women, but she wanted a first name. She could tell when I was dating someone else because I spent less time with her. She also wanted enough talk to know that she was still in the picture and hopefully at the top of the list. She has never been sorry that we did it that way.
Again, you probably said nothing wrong. He is probably afraid of commitment at this point, or maybe he just wants to play the field. You aren’t likely to change it, whatever the reason. It would probably be a mistake to try. Leave him and find someone better who is ready to settle down to a relationship with one woman if this is not for you. However, the only way to know what he is thinking is to ask him and talk about it. Tell him that you don’t want to hear about any other women when you are with him. My wife and I have always openly talked about all of our thoughts except for some bad feelings that she had about her early years after her divorce.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for that-yes I see what you mean and he is being honest but I am not sure if he will find many females happy to go along with what he is saying. I probably would have prefered it if he had just done it with others and kept quiet!!!!! Thanks though!!!!!
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A
male
reader, Yos +, writes (3 August 2008):
Neither of you is wrong. You just want different things.There is nothing wrong with you wanting a monogamous relationship. It sounds like he realizes that's what you want.But there is also nothing wrong with him saying he doesn't want a monogamous relationship. He's been straight-up with you: he isn't looking for commitment and he's worried you are. And you are. He is right about that.You should, at least on some level, be grateful that he's being honest with you about what he wants. Would you rather he lied to you and pretended to be looking for a monogamous relationship in order to get sex? I don't think that's better for you. Many men would do that in this situation.You have one of two choices: either be with him on his terms, or don't be with him. However, since it sounds like you don't want a 'relationship' on his terms, you're not going to find a situation you're both happy with. Meaning you both need to find someone else.
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