A
female
age
41-50,
*eelingSad09
writes:Hi everyone I have just split up with my boyfriend of 18 months and I feel really confused, hurt and upset. He broke up with me because he felt too pressured to commit and knows he can't give me what I want. He doesn't think it will ever work as he knows he will mess it up. As I'm 29 (four years older than him) he thinks I should be looking for someone who wants to marry me and that he should be enjoying his 20s, having different relationships and experiences.I knew the age gap would be an obstacle which is why I brought it up at the very beginning of our relationship. I made it clear that I was looking for a serious relationship that might have the potential to progress naturally. He agreed and even mentioned time scales for moving in together etc! He now claims that was a naive comment and he didn't mean it.He didn't do anything throughout our relationship that would have suggested he didn't mean it. He gave me the keys to his flat (which he owns) and let me move in for a month when my lease ran out and the new place wasn't ready. We saw each other every day, I met his family and spent most weekends with them, we went on holidays together, he helped me move in and out of house shares, took me to Ikea and built the furniture for me...The list goes on. He was the most supportive, kind, caring boyfriend I have ever had. We were best friends and told each other everything. However, the more I pushed for commitment, the more he withdrew. He suggested ending it, and I tried to make it a clean break but he begged me not to. He said we could see how things went just meeting up a few times a week. We did this and had great times together, like we always do, but then he decided it was definitely over. I thought we were giving it a go by becoming less dependent on each other, as he had suggested, and for me, this had been working. He said it had to be over but that he wanted to stay in touch, go out for dinner, go running together?! I said that would be impossible as I need to move on and get over him. He said it wasn't goodbye forever and that in a month or so we can meet up again. He said we need time apart to adjust and maybe we could see it as just 'having a break'. I have not contacted him for 2 days, but he is expecting to hear from me next week. Why do I feel like it isn't properly over? I know I need to accept that it is but why is he so desperate to see me again? If it's over, surely we don't need to see each other again? I keep thinking he will come back and everything will be alright but I'm being a fool. I miss him and I miss sharing my life with him. He made me really happy and I was planning a surprise holiday for his birthday next month. I cared about him so much and it's so hard trying to come to terms with this. I have been doing ok, until today. I have not got dressed all day, have not eaten, have just moped about feeling sorry for myself. A few weeks ago I was making loads of new plans and had so many ideas of how to keep busy, but now I just feel like curling up in bed and never venturing out.Should I accept it's over and never contact him again? What do I do if he contacts me?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2009): if he wants to end it then it ends. that means no contact as it is you that will suffer.
if he says that he cant have no contact then he needs to know that he is either with you or without you but not somewhere in the middle. think about yourself.
also the no contact rule will show him exactly what he has let go.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (21 July 2009):
 What you need to accept is that you aren't at the same stage in life. You want different things them him. Accept that and it will be easier to move on.
If you keep in contact you will only drag it out. He isn't ready (or willing) to give you what you want. It may suck but it's better you know now then after you two move in together and you make further plans.
It's OK to "grieve" the end of a relationship. It is quite natural, but you need to not dwell on it, as hard as that is. So he wasn't "The One", OK, that happens, move on.
Again it's OK to have days where you fell like crap and others where you feel like doing a lot of things. Just don't put your life on hold waiting either on him to "grow" up or for Mr. Right to walk in your door. Go out there, live life.
Don't settle. If keep in touch with him makes it harder for you to move on, then tell him so and stop contact.
Good luck and cheer up.
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