A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:It's a thought, but I just don't know what to believe. My daughters father was previously married. In fact, in a very romantic show of it he proposed to her and even got their engagement on the cover of a popular newspaper. Well, we have been together two years now. And he seems opposed to marriage. I know. It's something that seems trivial but it matters to me. I feel like his past he was more his authentic loving self, and because of how it ended, I am not given the same full spectrum of his affections. He rarely shows any affection especially not publicly like with the ex. His son will have their wedding photos to go through, their hundreds of photos of their time together. But my daughter won't have the same story. I don't have that. I feel shorted. His past can't be undone but why am I not given a chance? Why has he let his past become the excuse for our relationship to not be given the same vows and devotion? The same hope? Am I wrong for thinking we should both want marriage? I don't want to make him feel obliged so it's not been something I've brought up more than once a year ago. My life is contstantly mom/ step mom role. I don't feel like a partner in something but rather a nanny and housekeeper. What should I do?
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (17 September 2015):
 These are all very good questions. What I don't see here is that you've asked him any of this?
Rather than allow these feelings of resentment to continue to fester, I think it's time to bring it up again. You haven't brought it up more than once a year ago?
So, time to communicate with him. Ask him those questions. What are choices? To go on feeling resentment and it building up over time? That's no way to live.
Get it out, you can do it calmly and lovingly and give him time to process it, then go over it again.
So what you do is TALK to him about it. You don't have any specific things he's said to you. You say "he seems opposed to marriage." How do you know? Did he say "we are never ever getting married because my first marriage was an absolute disaster. The whole romance thing was shoved down my throat and I was made to show up as a puppet and I effing HATED it. I never want to do that again. Those wedding pictures to me are a sham and a farce and I would rather burn them than look at them again."
If it's about a showy engagement and a big wedding, he may feel once bitten, twice shy.
If you want the vows, that can be easily done in a small ceremony with a minimum of fuss.
I know this is a very old-fashioned thing to ask, but why did you have a child with him if you weren't 100% certain of his commitment to you?
So, talk to him. Ask him to marry you. Explain the importance of those vows to you, that commitment to you and your child. What do you have to lose now?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2015): You have a child together, he shared what sounds like a totally out there engagement! And he can't talk marriage with you. Two years and your just a fill in for the ex. Sorry I do not see anything from what you said that says he has any intention of taking the plunge again. How long was he divorced? Could be you were the rebound and he messed up. He got a history of being out there when he thought he had the ONE before but he ain't doing that with you. You are NOT the love of his life. I feel bad but it's the truth. He should have proposed by now if he wanted a wife in you, your doing the part without the promise. Your daughter deserves to see some promise to. id give him another six months but plan ahead get your self together than leave if nothing changes. Plan as you are going to and set your mind to it. Do not stay if nothing changes.
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