A
female
age
36-40,
*winkie
writes:i got my boyfriends phone and read his texts. he was sending dirty texts to some girls. i know i invaded his privacy but i need help. he says that's just the way he has always talked to them. i told him i didn't like it and don't want him doing it. it is disrespectful. i don't know what to do. he said he has not done anything with them, i hope he has not. what do i do. should i trust him and should he stop just because i asked him to?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2008): Ive had this done to me. Ive been in my relationship for about 4 months now. The first txt issue was within our first 2 weeks we started dating back in october. We were at his football game on base. He asked me to hold his cell phone so i did. All the sudden my pocket starts vibrating but, it wasnt my phone for i left mine in the dorm. When i opened up the txt message it was from another girl using very sexual words and feelings. As i looked into all his sent and inbox i found a conversation from the night before between him and this one girl. Ive never even heared of her so i was a little confused. The txt messages where way out of the blue. His responses were making me second guess what have i gotten in to. When i brought it up to him. He had no clue what i was talken about. When we got back to the dorm i just sat there in silence not knowing what to say. He was all confused. He said he was sleeping the night before and the boys had his phone. He told me that one of his boys was txting the girl that night. I wasnt sure to believe him but i let it fly on by. Than a few days after christmas a txt thing happened again. Yet this time it was him for sure!. He was sleeping in my bed and i was up on my cell phone with my best friend just laughing away. than his phone started to vibrate. When i opened it , it was from another girl i have never heared of. I went through all his txts again. This time there where txts saying " i will return home to you baby" to this chick. I was so falmed up i didnt know what to do. I went through his whole phone and i found two naked pics of this chick on his phone. When i woke him up to ask what the hell was going on. He was getting very defense. He hates it when people go through his phone. Especially when i go through it. So i through the phone at him and i told him to explain himself or im sending him home. He said that he had a few things he needed to take care of. Apparently this girl was an old history from back home. He was trying to take care of her and tell her he was in a relationship without me finding out. Well things back fired on him. Which made him look stupid. I didnt talk to him for a while .About two days later when he came over i told him that he lost alot of trust. That trust is still not gained back. Im not sure when it ever will be gained back. All i know is, In a relationship it doesnt matter. You both should be open who cares if one another goes into the others cell phone or computer. Your "ONE" so it should be all go. If i could i would not have any cell phones in my relationship not even my own.
A
female
reader, fleabop +, writes (20 October 2007):
I believe he should stop texting others out of respect for you. Any naughty talking should be reserved for you not just random women. If he loves you, he will choose you over the texting.
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A
female
reader, catbabe102  +, writes (10 October 2007):
my boyfriend did the EXACT same! it so VITAL you get to the bottom of this, as it will probably always be an issue in your relationship, in one way or another. Question who are these girls? College mates? work mates? Does he see them often? Has he met them online. He has now created some sort of sexual link between these girls.. Now these texts are out in the open, he needs to reassure you this will not happen again, by eliminating any further chance of temptation (visually, or via text).
He needs to understand that in the near future, you will be feeling insecure every now and again, and that he should be patient with you, if you want to check his email/phone etc etc.
Good Luck. X
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2007): Who on this site can tell if he's had sex with them or not? He may have..if I were you, I'd have gotten him busted. I would have taken his phone, and text messaged one of the girls back & said "I can't wait to see you again, last time was awesome, don't you agree?" And then wait for her response..It is not acceptable. He's either messing around with them, or looking to. Otherwise why would he be dirty texting them?? I wonder if the girls even know about you?? You deserve better than this.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2007): Of course he did something wrong, hun! And yes, he most definitely stops or you walk. Sheesh! This issue comes up again and again, on this site. I hope you don't feel bad for innvading his privacy, because you shouldn't. And it's likely someone will take you to task for this. Ignore it. I will repeat what I said to another person who posted a very similar situation as yours, awhile back. When a woman trusts, she does not check up on her partner unless he gives her a reason. For you to have done this..you must have clearly sensed he was up to no good...and he was! Your bf's behaviors proved your instincts were right on the money. He is in a love relationship with you-he definitely should not be talking sexually to other females. This is a form of infidelity. So his actions are telling you...who he really is. His sexual text messages also speak loud and clear on how he invaded the domain of your love relationship and crumbled its protective boundaries, in the first place. He shattered the 'trust', didn't he. And we know trust is foundational in a healthy relationship. You don't have that right now, do you?
In a nutshell, what he did was an act of betrayal. Spying does not damage the relationship. It is an attempt to seek the truth and resolve deception and bad behaviors that are harmful. Only the truth can provide a foundation from which to begin resolving the hurt, pain and forging a healthy direction for this relationship. I hope he has apologized to you. So, hun, make him own up to what he did and let him know that if he is ever caught again doing this...that he loses bigtime. You will walk. Set some boundaries on what you will and will not tolerate. And no, you do not just automatically trust him again until he earns it back. So how do you build the trust?
Suggest to your bf that you both practice 'open, free access,open door policy' to each other's activities on the computers. and each other's cell phones. Why? I believe that when two people commit to each in a love relationship, they do become one. They in effect, share a life in the relationship and they keep building that trust, so they do share 'personal space'and if they love each other..many are willing to do this. No secrets, no hidden passwords...nothing! The whole concept of a relationship is sharing all we do and have, with the other. This attitude really does build unity and respect, within a couple's relationship for each other. Try it and you may find it will you both closer. Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2007): I believe that nothing has happened with them but like Stina said all of that sort of talk should stop once someone commits themself to a relationship. I dont think that you are asking unreasonable demands and if he takes it that way then maybe he talks dirty with these girls to keep his options open and doesnt want you closing the doors on it.
If it makes you feel better. I would have asked the same of my man.
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A
female
reader, stina +, writes (10 October 2007):
 Hi there twinkie,
In my opinion, once someone is in a relationship, all of the dirty talk should be reserved for each other. I think what he is doing is disrespectful, as well. The problem is that he doesn't think anything is wrong with it.
Have you tried to have a heart to heart discussion with him? Have you told him how it makes you feel? Have you made sure that you don't get angry at him while you're talking about this? (I know this can be really, really hard - but if you keep your cool, then you'll get more accomplished. Arguing usually does nothing more than get people even more irritated or angry than they originally were.)
If he is unwilling to change his ways and compromise (he can still talk dirty, but only to you) then I would rethink this relationship. Look at it this way, are you going to want to constantly be wondering if he's still doing this everday? And if you know he is going to be doing this for a fact, are you going to be able to cope with it?
Relationships need compromises and are based around not only honesty and communication, but equal respect for one another. If you have those qualities, you're golden - otherwise, something needs to happen.
So short answer: yes, he should stop talking dirty to other women. It is hurting your feelings and you feel disrespected - he should care enough to not want to hurt you over something so stupid and meaningless.
Take care.
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