A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've been seeing this guy for awhile. We've 'hung out' lots of times, but since we hadn't admitted we liked each other during those hangouts, it was like a friend thing and I always paid for myself. Even when I borrowed a few dollars for bus money from him I would pay him back and he would accept it.Fast forward a few months, and we now know we like each other. We've hung out a few more times and I've continued to pay for myself. We went out on our first real 'date' a few days ago, and he did not offer to pay for me. He also complained it was very expensive, although our meals were only 12 dollars each. When I think back, I realize he has not spent any money on me on any of our outings. I have always offered to pay for myself.I told my brother about this, and he was upset. He told me to ditch this guy, because he is of the mind that a guy should offer to pay at least a few times. He also said I am cutting myself short by letting this guy make less of an effort on me.I'm not sure what to do. I really like this guy. I dont mind paying for myself, but people are telling me its a bad sign. In the past guys I have dated have insisted on paying, but I would be happy to split the bill with this guy too, and I dont expect full payment. What is the modern consensus on this issue? Should I bring it up with him or leave it?The other part that confuses me is that this guy has told he wants to go out to restaurants and museums and events with me. It has been his idea. If he is resentful of paying even for himself, why does he want to do all these costly things?
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female
reader, like I see it +, writes (17 May 2015):
 If you don't know much about his financial situation, I'd give him the benefit of the doubt - provided, of course, that he's otherwise a good guy. Maybe money is tight for him and he can't afford to offer.
If you know he can afford it but just doesn't offer, then you've got yourself a stingy boyfriend and you'll have to decide if this is something that will irritate you over time.
It's also possible that he has gotten used to going dutch with you on outings as friends and that he didn't think to discontinue the trend on the first "date." Some men/women don't put the courtship milestones on quite the same pedestal as other men/women do and yes, it does lead to frustration. I can't remember my own dating "anniversary" after three years - thankfully, neither can my partner, but years ago when I was with someone who made a bigger deal of these things it did cause friction in the relationship.
Since you've hung out so many times prior, are both adults, and know you like one another, that "first date" might have seemed more like a formality to him. You already have a first impression of him, so maybe he didn't figure buying or not buying you dinner would change your feelings?
Hope this helps. Good luck and best wishes!
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2015): I might be old fashioned but I believe if you ask a girl out you should pay or don't ask her out.I remember once only in my life time I asked a GF to pay and that was when I was young and impressionable and under the influence of older friends who kept telling me that they shared the costs with their girls and that I should do the same.I still feel ashamed for that one incident and I don't think I will ever forget it.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (17 May 2015):
 I dated an extremely stingy guy once upon a time and let me tell you, once a scrooge, always a scrooge.
If money is an issue when things havent even started yet, its going to blow up in your face big time in the future. You will be constantly struggling with money matters and its going to bring about a lot of bitterness.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (17 May 2015):
 I don't think it's so much about going dutch or women's equality thing. If he's struggling with rent then it makes sense that he hurts every time he spends money. He still likes to go out with you, but with a guy like that so conscious about money, it would be a good idea to get a big coupon book for you two. There are lots of buy one get one free deals.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (17 May 2015):
 I think sticking to 50/50 (or your own cost) is FINE, even when you date someone. I do think if he invited you our for your birthday or Valentine's that HE should pay (ditto for you if YOU made the invite and plans). If you can afford your share, then why not pay?
I think if he is resentful about paying JUST for himself, BUT he suggest all these things that he is a bit of a cheapskate. Since he isn't paying for you, he shouldn't whine. I could see if he was paying for you and YOU wanted to go to expensive restaurants/places...
Though I HAVE to say loaning you a couple of bucks for bus-fare and not tell you:" hey it's on me" is... just cheap.
Have you tried NOT to offer to pay? just to see how he reacts?
Personally, I don't think a GUY should pay every time. But I am also old fashioned and would DEFINITELY appreciate that he at least offered to pay.
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