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anonymous
writes: Hi, so I've been seeing this great girl for a year and a bit. We get along great and have fun, but recently I've become unsettled, and interested in a few people around me. I'm now getting to the stage where I'm becoming worried about what I SHOULD do, ie do I stay with her and put my interest in others down to the grass being greener on the other side, or should I make a break?I'm not great with knowing my own feelings. I loved my first girlfriend very much, but seemed to go through a similar thing. hen we broke up (it was long distance/she met someone else) I was gutted. So now I'm thinking I could be in the same situation again, in that in don’t know what I've got until it's gone. I always thought when you went out with someone that was it, you fall in love and didn’t want anyone else. That seems to have happened to my girlfriend, but not to me.Its all very confusing!m
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2007): Yes sounds very confusing. I think a lot of this depends on your age. If you are still young I would say keep looking around. This will help you refine those feelings that you are not so sure about. Date around! It may be a different story if your are older. I have currently and faithfully been with my girlfriend for three years now and finally moved in with her. I love her to death but something in me says that I should have dated around. I now feel in too deep. Almost like I missed out on something else. Yes it will always be greener on the other side. But experience will tell. How would you know what else is out there. Yes a mate mate only comes once a lifetime but human emotion can blind you especially if you have trouble sorting feelings now.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2005): The fact that you call her great and she hasn't done anything wrong so it seems and that the only reason you seem to want something else is because your last grfiend did the same thing-it probably made you think that's what should happen. If you break up with this great girl u risk losing something-there is no harm in thinking that other people around u are attractive but there's no reason to give up something great for a feeling-if u do want to break up with her have a heart and tell her to her face-this great girl deserves more than just to be dumped or cheated on. Great women and men don't come along all too often u know.
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A reader, Ali, writes (27 February 2005): I can relate to your girlfriend if you do decide to finish things with her. I split with my boyfriend of 3 years who felt exactly the same as you do, he told me he didnt feel the same about me and felt too young to be tied down. The only way to get over him was to cut him out of my life..a year later I decided to make my peace with him and he has since told me he regrets letting me go and that the grass really is greener ! We have been talking and are both hoping we can get back what we had. I don't know how strong your feelings are for your girlfriend but I would suggest you think long and hard before you make a decision. You must weigh up the pro's and con's of your relationship, could you really bear to lose her from your life? However, if you cannot see a future with this girl then you need to let her go. I hope you make the right decision and wish you lots of luck...life's too damn short to be unhappy xx
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A reader, Sarah, writes (13 February 2005): Dear M, You are in a pretty tough situation here. I have never gone through this sort of thing,so what I have to say may not be of any help,vbut here goes nothing. If you've become attracted to other people and feel so unsettled with your girlfriend that you can no longer overlook these feelings, my advice to you is to let her down easy. You know,just tell her that you have had a lot of fun dating her and you really like her as a person, but you think that the time has come for you to see other people. Just follow your heart and do what you feel is best.Good luck!Sarah
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A reader, Starr, writes (12 February 2005): Yes it is true that you don't know what you have until it's gone.So because you know this phrase are you willing to take the risk of losing someone you could really come to regret losing? There is no turning back once it's doneIf you hurt this woman she will be scorned and even after you sow your oats and want to come back there is a chance she will either have someone else or her feelings for you will be gone.You should really think about this before you act on it.There is a series of tests that we experience in life and one of them is our commitment and strenght in relationships.It tests how strong our love is in one another and whether we can remain faithful but DO BE AWARE that what comes around goes around and when it does come back around it is ten times worse that what you have done.
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (11 February 2005):
 Hi M,Things can go along just beautifully in a long-term relationship... and you can still be unhappy. You can have a great girlfriend, who loves you, and you can still be dissatisfied, because the relationship doesn't work for you. It's OK to feel that way. And it appears you do.The next step is to figure out what to do about it. One place you might start is by clarifying the whole "going out" scene and what it means.I don't think it's fair to yourself or to a prospective partner to assume that you go out, fall in love and "that's it" - that you never want anyone else again. It's not really like that. Humans just aren't wired up that way. The whole point of dating is to find out what feelings are out there, how you react to other people and how people (women, in your case) find you, as a person. It's not like you can go ten-pin bowling one night, flick a switch and say, "There! We've gone out. Phew. Now the hard work is done and we can settle in to getting old together. Pop the kettle on, would you, dear?"What appears to have happened with you is that you were pleasant and attractive enough to your girlfriend that she's smitten with you, but the reciprocal feelings aren't coming from your side of things. That's why you feel "unsettled" and find yourself looking around; she may well be a wonderful woman and love you to little bitty bits... but if you don't feel love for her, you're doing her a disservice by hanging around pretending that you do. There might be a man just around the corner who really will love her as she deserves to be cared for, and you're standing in the way of that love!A year is a significant slice of your time to have spent seeing this woman; it's enough time to have fallen hopelessly in love, but it's also enough time to have discovered that you're not quite suited to each other.You probably need to think about what it is about her that you find attractive, and then contrast that with those things that you find yourself looking for when you think about other women. Are they minor things, like an improvement in her dress-sense, or her overindulgence in weepy movies? Or are they deal-breakers, like she wants to have 13 kids, or she's planning to homestead in Antarctica?It's time to think hard about why you're unhappy with where your relationship is. You don't have to be particularly introspective to work it out. You may even have grizzled about it from time to time.Work out what you're missing, and if you can change things without demanding she change herself, then try that. If you find that's what's missing is your level of commitment to her, then by all means, tell her soon and let her find someone who loves her.Hope this helps.
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