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female
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anonymous
writes: I have been in my relationship for 20 years and have been married for 11 years. We have two children 18 and 9. My husband cheated with his two exes and had two children with them ages 14 and 12. He cheated before we were married and while we were married. i beleived that he had stopped but recently felt the need to look at his cell phone address book, There are names and numbers that i don't know and also names of women that he has had affairs with. I am shocked and hurt. i love my husband but it has been a struggle to move forward with my life after the children and affairs... i forgave him. Right now i do not know what to do. how to approach this situation and a part of me feels that I want to end the marriage. What is your advice. I really don't feel that the love between us is reciprocated and I am deeply saddended and hurt..
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female
reader, pegster +, writes (31 August 2006):
I am in you exact situation, but less than 2 years of marriage and no kids. If you want to save the marriage, you need to get counseling. My husband is addicted to this type of behaviour and I expect yours is, too (needing the adoring throngs). They have low self-esteem and need to build it up. He has to give up these relationships and get past the addiction if this is going to work. I am trying counseling. You have a lot more invested than I do. You also deserve to be happy. See a counselor on your own if he won't consent to couples therapy.
A
female
reader, stina  +, writes (30 August 2006):
 I'm very glad to hear you are going to try and work things out with your husband. I always think trying to talk things through and work things out are the best ways to go about handling a delicate situation like this. I really hope that things work out the way you wish. :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you stina for your advice. I have actually taken your approach and is awaiting the results. Thank you Anon and Martini while I respect your advice,it is not acceptable to me.
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A
female
reader, stina +, writes (30 August 2006):
Hello Anon,
First I must address a couple of things:
- From martini: "First and foremost, do you have the capabilities to take care of your children on your own?" If you don't, that's okay because there are laws in place that make sure he will need to help you pay child support. Furthermore, what's to say that if you did split with him he would not help take care of his children (financially and otherwise)? Don't worry about this right now. You can deal with that when it comes up and the best person to talk to regarding these matters is a lawyer who will be assisting you with your decision if you decide to divorce.
- Also, don't leave him (yet). You two are *married* and marriage comes with huge responsibilities, so you should try and work it out. Don't rely on cliches and such to figure out serious problems like this.
Anyway, I can only imagine how upsetting this is for you. In order to really find out what's going on, you will have to talk with your husband. Find out why he has those numbers in his phone. Do you think he is really cheating or are these numbers left over in his cell phone from the past? Remember, he does have children with these other women, so he might just be keeping in touch because of them.
When you speak with him, don't yell or get angry because this will only make matters worse. If something is going on between him and these other women, then he won't want to tell someone who's yelling at him and beating him over the head. If I were you, I'd be straightforward and firm, and I would try not to let emotions get in the way of having this discussion (which would be extremely hard). See you hurt might make him feel bad and not want to reveal if he has been cheating.
I also think that you should seek some type of counseling because a therapist would help you to figure out your feelings more clearly. (How you really feel about your husband, how to get over the feelings of emotional abuse...). The doctor might also be able to perscribe some meds for you to take during this difficult time.
I would also recommend couples couseling because that would help you figure out where things went wrong and perhaps how to fix them. Maybe a trial seperation to get to know each other again? Or maybe to find out you are much happier with out him.
Whatever you decide to do, please at least discuss this with your husband. If you don't you're going to go even more mad because it's going to fester in your mind. (And also you'd have to think that he still cares about you somewhat - I mean, he's still married to you.)
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2006): LEAVE HIM! Once a cheater always a cheater. It's not too late to get out and be with someone who deserves you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2006): First and foremost, do you have the capabilities to take care of your children on your own? Second, I want to scold the nuts and bolts and guts and cabbages out of you (yes you and not that cheating bastard whore), but that would be pointless.
How could you possibly be shocked? I mean, he cheated with his two ex's - before and during your marriage. [chuckles] So the problem lies with you then? Yes, it's obvious he isn't a good person. So let's scratch him out of the picture. What's left? You.
What's the dilemma? Isn't the answer to your 'problem' quite obvious?
If your answer to my first question is that you will not have the ability to take care of your children, then I suggest you seek financial help from a second source, or possibly study and reorganize your budgets, etc.
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