A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:hello, i have been with my wife for five years.she has had a lot of stress with work(not wanting to work with certain people), and personal issues as far as not having a sexual desire, and she came home the other day crying about how family members found out about her mother going to jail for something that happened a couple years ago. Then she had a small arguement with me about not wanting to clean at the time. i told her that she can finish it later than and I stormed out of the room. minutes later she left. she has been gone for just under a couple weeks and i have not been able to really talk to her at first we talked by text she said I was controlling and she didn't like the feeling of guilt she got when she was with her friends. but more recently i had another talk and she says her heart is not in it she does not love me anymore? Any ides of what to do? I still love her but she doesn't want to talk. She says its over, she is living seperately but she has not came to get her stuff . Is there a step that I can to get her back? Before she has told me she is depressed but will not seek help. Help me I don't want to loose my wife.
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male
reader, rcn +, writes (13 November 2007):
 I definitely agree with the other comments. One other area that shows an element of control is where you "told her" she could finish later. She must have all ready been apparently upset from that day. The last thing I would mention is anything about cleaning. That's where you should be comforting her, and not arguing about cleaning.
In a marriage you have no right to dictate anything your spouse does. It's a partnership. She has the right to go where she wants, when she wants, and without permission to do so. She also has the right not to be with you, if you're controlling, and it seams she is exercising that right.
I think both of you need some counseling and learn how to treat a marriage, before worrying about working things out.
A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (13 November 2007):
 Hi,
Are you able to take a good look at yourself objectively.
I only say this as your partner called you controlling. To me these accusations are not lightly levied at a person, where there's smoke there's fire as they say.
You gave a couple of little clues in your post; first, she didnt like the feeling of guilt she has when with her friends..would this be because you disapprove of her meeting up with friends? If you do, I'm sorry to say but you are trying to control her. You also mention that she argued with you about not cleaning - I take it you dont do your fair share around the house? And also, you said "she can finish it later" . She can finish it? Not you?.
I'm sorry mate, but you do sound quite controlling to me.
This could lead to her being depressed, if you make her feel guilty about doing things you dont like it will eventually wear someone out. In this case it looks like you have done this to your wife.
Now I'm not suggesting that you are one of these monsters who abuse their partners till they go insane, but little things can build into big things, and little bits of controlling behaviour can turn into something very serious over time.
I would suggest that you seek counselling and if things improve and you can accept your failings then maybe you can present your case to your wife, but if you don't change or accept your failings you cannot expect her to come back to you. Basically , you've got to sell the new "You" to your partner, this will include the new "You" who doesnt mind her going out with friends if she likes, and being the man who washes the dishes and cooks occasionally and will even pick up a vacuum cleaner.
Its the 21st century dude, time to join the rest of us!
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