A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: I left my husband May 28th. He confessed to having an affair with a co-worker for the past 7 months.She's now pregnant with his baby. I think I am still in shock. There's just so much to wrap my head around.My husband is 46 we've been married for 17 yrs. Never had issues with infidelity. He did say that he was struggling with getting older. I always tried to comfort him, compliment him. He said he loved me so much,for being a wonderful wife. He's still in love with me. But he was very attracted to her sexually. She's a very beautiful woman, she's 28. No kids. Looks like Gigi Hadid. He said he made a terrible mistake. He tried leaving her, but she threatened to make is life hell if he did. He's been trying to leave her. Sex stopped with her over a month ago. But now, she is 3 months pregnant. He said she trapped him. He told her he was telling me, she became extremely angry. Anyway, now my husband is becoming a father. He is going to care for the baby, but he's begging me for forgiveness.We always have had a very close relationship, he was always a good husband. We started out as bestfriends from college, then dated then married.He's never cheated before, never having suspected that he had or would have an affair. Just not in his character. He said she had a draw on him. He was addicted to the sex. He never felt a emotional connection to her. Either way. I'm crushed. I left him, I have been staying at a Airbnb, I asked him for space, and time to sort things out.I think I want a divorce. But close friends say I should wait. Why, my husband is having a baby with another woman.I don't think I can get past it. I do love him. I know that he loves me. I know my husband is absolutely miserable right now. He's been texting me constantly and calling, I blocked him, and he is going crazy. I feel terrible. I honestly do not know what to do next!I don't want to be alone. I'm still inlove with my husband. But I can't live with my husband having a baby and a baby's mother to deal with.I have read some articles which are helpful. Maybe some fresh perspective will help. I am just afraid of his reaction if I serve him with Divorce papers. I am very fair, I will walk away. I won't ask for anything. I am torn up. But I don't want to make this worse or be harsh. Our marriage was a wonderful one.I just feel like I should just walk away. I don't known what to do.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2022): Sorry, we don't have an edit button. Had to make typo corrections:
"[Too] much planning, lying, and plotting goes into running and hiding an affair."
"Funny none of this crossed his mind when figuring-out how to get her [in] bed!"
"You'll get to [fully] weigh and analyze the situation; get your feelings out, and put his butt on the hot seat for cross-examination."
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2022): Cheaters work hard at playing on your emotions, preying on your sympathy; or reminding you of how much in-love you both are with each-other. They will over-emphasize how much they've always loved you. Why doesn't this profound love they have resonate with them while contemplating having an affair with another person? Cheating isn't like a spur of the moment impulse; you blink, and suddenly you're in bed having full-on sex with somebody! It's plotted, planned, and then executed! It starts-out as a thought, you have to calculate the proper time and place for the event to take place, you have to cultivate a connection with your co-conspirator that is based on mutual sexual-attraction, and you have to find a secret place to do the deed.
The reality is, he has to deter any thought of getting a divorce. You can compare it to pleading a case to stay out of jail. The primary objective is not to be punished, and to escape the consequences. Ultimately, to be given another chance, a reprieve; maybe only to repeat the next violation of your trust with even less fear of penalty.
In order to cheat, you have to shut-down your conscience, and dull your feelings towards your partner/spouse. To repeatedly have sex and carry-on an affair, you have to desensitize yourself against your feelings for the person you're married to...and supposedly, committed-to for life. How is cheating so casual of an action considering all this??? "I love you so much" seems so hollow. Just not enough not to cheat? Right?!!
He has to convince you that it meant nothing. Apparently his vows and your trust mean even less! He wants to getaway with it, and not have to deal with divorce, possibly paying alimony, splitting property and assets down the middle, and ending-up paying child-support. Plus the cost of living on his own. Funny none of this crossed his mind when figuring-out how to get her bed! Then once he was successful at that, he had unprotected sex; not considering he could have infected you with HIV, herpes, syphilis, gonorrhea, Hep B or C, or any other STD you can think of. He didn't even think of protecting you! He knows unprotected-sex could result in a pregnancy! He just threw all caution to the wind? But he loves ya, baby! It isn't true he didn't know what came over him. To much planning, lying, and plotting goes into running and hiding an affair.
That's just how much he loves you, my dear.
Here's a suggestion. You seem conflicted and confused. You're afraid of being alone, and you're weakened by his pathetic groveling and pleading to take him back.
Before you divorce, I would recommend that you go to marriage-counseling. Insist on it! You need to be sure divorce is what you really want. You need total reassurance that you didn't make the wrong decision. Most of all, you need to vent and express your feelings in a setting where he can't play on your emotions and gaslight you. Having a counselor there to moderate, mediate, and referee gives you the chance to speak your mind, without being interrupted. He won't have a chance to dodge your questions; and he will be required to fully participate in the Q&A sessions that require a full explanation of why all this happened. He needs a full understanding of what kind of an emotional impact this has made on you. Just taking him back based on your fear of being alone, might give him a feeling he has complete control over your feelings; to a degree you can be manipulated. If he refuses to go, make sure you've already gotten yourself a good divorce attorney on retainer. You need to talk to a lawyer regardless of whether you divorce him or not. He will use this time to entangle and hide the assets, so you could end-up with nothing! Cheaters deserve forgiveness, if they are truly remorseful; and some deserve another chance, but cheating-husbands might try to d!ck you out of what you deserve. They will pretend to be reconciling, but stashing funds and tangling-up the finances; while you're tied-up in your emotions. Be smart, don't let emotions override your common sense.
You need time to catch your breath, plot your exit-strategy; and to come to terms with all the events leading up to now. Then you can make a final-decision about divorce with no regrets or second-guessing. Your post almost screams that you're wavering about whether to divorce him or not. Of course, marriages have survived cheating; but forgiveness is very difficult, because you can't read his mind. You can't watch his every move.
Your trust has been betrayed and devalued. Love cannot be sustained without trust. You'll always be on pins and needles. You will be suspicious, and you may develop trust-issues. He might learn how to cover his tracks better to hide his exploits, based on this experience.
Baby-mama drama will become a wedge between you; and an ominous dark-cloud over your marriage. Every-time you feel things are returning to normalcy, here she comes; or there's some issue about the child. Which gives him an excuse to be around her. How will you deal with him doting over a child you didn't give him? He has to bond with the kid, and spend time with his child. How will you learn to love a child born from an affair between your husband and another woman? The child is innocent, but how do you suppress your resentment? That's why marriage-counseling is a good idea in a case like this. You'll get to full weigh and analyze the situation; get your feelings out, and put his butt on the hot seat for cross-examination. Otherwise, your emotions may drive you to make rash decisions. You think you'll have peace of mind, after taking him back?
Now lets get this straight! He's not just a wayward-boyfriend. This man is your husband! He has no justification or excuse for what he did. He will gaslight you into believing it was as if he had no choice, or his "maleness" just overruled his self-control. In other words, you are going to be buried under an avalanche of bull manure; because a divorce is expensive, child-support is expensive, and it's cheaper to keep her! It might be all about love for you, but he's the one who cheated!!!
Drag him through counseling first. Don't take him back on a whim, or because your fears of being alone drove you to do it. You will always be suspicious, she will always be in the shadows; and they have a kid between them for life. She will never go-away, nor will the memories of how your marriage was damaged by their affair.
The burden has been placed on your shoulders to forgive the two of them, accept a child your husband fathered with another woman, heal from the betrayal, and to deal with a child that isn't yours without harboring resentment. That's quite a heavy load, my dear.
You have my sympathies.
BTW, keep an eye on all your bank accounts and investments. Never leave it all up to him!
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2022): You are bending over backwards to be nice to someone who treated you badly as if you are scared stiff that he will think badly of you and not return to you!. You are making a big mistake if you want him back. You would be unlikely to get it - he prefers the young one - and if she dumped him and he came back to you it would be because he does not want to be alone not because he loves you and really wants to be with you. All the wrong reasons to be with someone.
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A
male
reader, kenny  +, writes (6 June 2022):
 I am sorry that you are going through this, it can't be easy, especially after 17 years of marriage.
I think for me this would be a deal breaker as well. He has had an affair, cheated and lied to you, and had unprotected intercourse with someone half his age and she is now pregnant so there is no reason for you to feel bad about anything.
I am not sure why your close friends are telling you to wait, he cheated, do they think that it was a one off and he will never cheat again?.
The trust barrier has now been broken, once this happens this normally spells the end of a relationship. I mean, in your heart of hearts do you actually think that you could trust him again. Also the situation that you are in now if you stayed with him, with a baby on the way with someone else your life will never be same again.
I know you don't want to be alone, I get that, but it is be alone for a while, or take him back and be unhappy, always looking over your shoulder, and watching him bring up a child he has had with someone else.
I think the best thing that you can do now is get the ball rolling with legal advice, and don't divulge to him what you are doing. Also after 17 years you should not walk away with nothing.
Seek legal advice sooner rather than later, don't go through this alone.
Good luck, and let us know how you get on.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (6 June 2022):
 I understand how you feel.
I think it would be a dealbreaker for me too. Both the cheating but a baby? A baby USUALLY means unprotected sex, so yeah, total dealbreaker for me too.
That also means YOU should get an STI panel done. Just to be safe. If he slept with BOTH of you in the same period of time.
"I am very fair, I will walk away. I won't ask for anything. "
Why though? You have every right to "ask" for part of the shared estate/finances after 17 years. Talk to a lawyer, don't screw yourself over in order to be NICE to the man who betrayed your trust and your vows.
"I am just afraid of his reaction if I serve him with Divorce papers."
You do NOT have to serve him. Have someone else do it.
How he reacts is on him. HE made this CHOICE to not only cheat but to knock up someone. HE chose to sabotage your marriage.
And I would suggest that you DO NOT become his "therapist" or "friend" after the divorce. MAYBE down the line (so YEARS) it could be that you could be friends but now? You can't It wouldn't be healthy for YOU.
Contact a lawyer, and get the ball rolling. I also don't see the point in you waiting. Wait for what?
I'm sorry you are in this situation. I can't offer any advice to "fix" your marriage, your husband has tossed a hand grenade into a greenhouse and wants YOU to glue together every broken piece of glass?
He is lucky you didn't go nuclear and contact his workplace with this.
Best of luck and keep us updated.
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