A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Iam really struggling with this situation. I have been seeing a woman for the past couple of months. She is amazing just what I have been looking for funny, supportive, kind, affectionate. She's an amazing cook. She educated and a working professional.The problem is she has 2 children and they have different dads. I feel a little uncomfortable with the situation. Her kids are great. But looking at them if we were out as a family you can see their not mine. We have spoken about the dads and the first one was her first love she lost her virginity with him and got pregnant when she was 19. He promised her marriage but ran off when she found out she was pregnant.The other ex was someone she had known as a teenager at school and they hooked up in their 20s and she fell pregnant he egged her on to keep the baby they were together for a while but it just did not work out.I find her inspirational that through all that. She went to university by herself and graduated has a really good job and an all round amazing person. She is an incredible mother. Her kids are so well mannered and intelligent. Great great kids.It's just the kid situation. Neither dads are on the scene. I just feel uncomfortable with it. Can I make this type of woman a wife? Advice please. I don't have any children myself.
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male
reader, CMMP  +, writes (12 August 2013):
Practically perfect for the first two months isn't much of a feat.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2013): I find it funny why things never work out for her. Both fathers are absent and well gone. But why, if she is so amazing? My personal experience of this situation, is that she is only telling you half the story. You hardly know her yet. Be careful, you dont want to be absent father number 3. Or do you?
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A
female
reader, madisonburger  +, writes (10 August 2013):
I know someone who's really like this, she has 2 kids from 2 different dads (and now she's in the hunt for husband #3!) Just one thing that crossed my mind: maybe she's great, funny, and can make you happy, but she's not loyal. So if you want a loyal partner (girlfriend or wife), just stay friends with this woman. Sorry, but that's my opinion :)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2013): If you really love her, yes.
But you should think a hundred times before you decide to marry her.
Like are you really willing to be a dad to her kids?
ask yourself why? do i love her that much?
If your answer is yes, then go for it.
If you can't accept the kids, then i suggest for you to stop thinking about getting married with her.
Because at the end of the day, you might treat them poorly.
Its different when you live with them than seeing them a couple of times a week.
What seems to be cute might be annoying in your eyes when you start living in with them.
But if you really love their mother and you are willing to accept everything about her including her kids, then go for it.
Sometimes love is not enough. that's why people split up, sometimes its because of other things, not because they have stop loving each other.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2013): Well, this is something you need to deside for yourself, but sounds like you have a problem with it big time she obviously is not or was it very carefull with men in her life, and also not very smart about baby making business.
Why was she not on any kind of birth control? I would understand if she was married, but still pregnancies should be planned even with a husband. But not being married and have unplanned children in my eyes is irresponsible.
She is a good mother and other qualities, but you ony know her for a coupe of months, give it more time.
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A
female
reader, MsSadie +, writes (10 August 2013):
 Of course she can be a great wife, if that's really all that you're asking.
If the issue is that you yourself are not comfortable with her situation, than I advise you take a step back for your own sake AND hers in the long-run. I literally just dumped a guy last night for a list of reasons, one being that he has two kids already. It's not that I think he's a terrible person or anything because of that, it's just that I personally am not interested in entering into that kind of role or the dynamic that will exist in the triangle with the guy, his ex, their kids, and her new man. I don't doubt that there are many women out there who will be willing to take on all that with this guy, but I'm not one of them. No shame in that. Your preferences are your preferences.
Are you getting a bit ahead of yourself here, though? How long have the two of you been together?
Do you want to someday have your own children? Depending how far along in the relationship you two are, you'll need to eventually have a discussion about that.
Have you met the kids, and do you like them? Could you see yourself being a father to them? Have you already helped this woman with her parental responsibilities at all? How did it feel?
Is she currently using contraception? Hopefully, you're taking the appropriate measures to ensure that YOU don't become another ex that is also the father to a child of hers.
Best of luck!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2013): The question is whether or not you are ready to be a dad. This could be the real thing that is scaring you. if you love this woman, then you can find a way to overcome this fear.
You have an opportunity here, to step up to the plate and be the man she never had.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2013): She sounds like a great girl and you really like her. But I can see how you would be uncomfortable with her kids situation, it is certainly not the most prestigious situation to have in the eyes of society and I can see how you would fear having to deal with the judgment that goes along with it. And not only the judgment of others but also the fear you might have of what red flags might be behind her charming persona given the situation she has gotten herself into not once but twice.
My best advice is to tread slowly. Really get to know her and don't rush into anything. You like her so there is no point not dating her. But take your time. You might realize you just can't deal with it. Or you might realize you don't care and you can't live without her. Time will tell.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2013): Ultimately people will have an opinion on everything including what doesn't concern them.
The important thing is that you follow your conscience. If you are honestly happy to become a father figure on her children's lives that is commendable and they will love you and respect in return. You need to decide whether you feel comfortable enough being in this sort of family unit without worrying about how you look and whether people are judging you. There are increasingly many multicultural households in the UK so you won't be alone. And besides, being different is not always a bad thing. It's interesting! If people ask questions you politely tell them this is your family full stop. Not many people would dare to challenge your biological relation verbally, and if they do, just reiterate that this is your wife and family. You don't owe anyone an explanation.
There are also practical concerns such as whether you want to have children of your own, whether she wants more children and whether you can maintain the standard of life you want with a potentially large family.
It would be a shame to let someone go if she truly is a good partner in life fpr you. But equally, if you are ashamed if being with her or ashamed of her children, then this will not work and it would be best if you went your separate ways
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (10 August 2013):
 She can be a wife. She can still do household chores, be a mother figure and be an intimate partner to you. Some people define wife as a person to take to social functions, and that your partner should match your reputation. Another thing to concern about is whether you want more kids, and how many. Of course you can have a good relationship with her, and defend her honor if your friends and family look down on her. However there is a strong stigma attached to single moms. Like they wear a badge of shame. You have to this feeling of "what if I could have gotten something better" and is hard to shake off. What if there is a childless lady with all her qualities too? What if what you have now is only amazing for a short time? You would have one foot out the door just because you could, and afford to start over again.
She made some mistakes in life. Kids either make you a better or worse person. In her case she totally shines as a mother and a responsible individual.
As a single mother, I suggest you find someone level with you. It takes an angel to look pass any type of inequality in a relationship. I also feel more secure dating single dads myself although not more than one or two kids.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2013): Make 'this kind of woman a wife'!!!!!! What educated, hard working, funny etc? I think it's her that wouldn't make you a husband if she knew what was going on in your head. The other Poster was right - you need a reality check.
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A
female
reader, fi_the_tree +, writes (10 August 2013):
 I think you need a reality check!!!
So what if the kids have different fathers, it's not as though people will stare, comment and gesture because it's obvious that you are not their biological father. People have enough going on in their lives to sit and judge people such as yourself!!!!!
There are so many multi-cultural families in Britain now, nobody is going to care that the children don't look like you. As long as you love those children and their mother, then that's all that matters.
Seeing as their fathers sound like dead beats who promised the mother everything, then left anyway, sounds like you would be a much better influence on them. Don't worry what other people will think.
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