A
female
age
51-59,
*nnie Hurts
writes:My husband and I have been together for 13 years, but have been married for only 8 years. We lived together from almost the moment we met. We went through quite a bit in our lives together and this makes the story more and more sad. However, I needed to "find" myself and we seperated in 2006 and began our divorce in 2007. We "dated" off and on from 2006 until now and even took a vacation together October 2007. I just wanted my own identity back. When we finally spent some real time apart, I discovered I couldn't live without him, but now was too afraid to admit that maybe I made a mistake. We had married Catholic and although we were seperated he swore he would never see anyone until the divorce was final. Well, three weeks prior to me finally getting up the nerve to tell him I was wrong and wanted to seek help for me and us, he met someone online. Younger, blonder, dumber, you know the drill. By the time I did get the nerve she was practically living with him and having her children stay over. I don't fault him for trying to move on with his life, but I have a couple of questions. Am I right to feel betrayed that he lied to me stating he wouldn't see anyone until the divorce was final? Also, the week after he told me he wanted to work things out and that he had broken up with her, he took her to the Aquarium with my pass for a backstage tour of the facility, took her to dinner and then spent the night at a motel. When I finally figured this out he swore nothing had happened with her and that he just wanted to take her stuff back to her so that he could make things final. I know that is not the truth because I also found an email to her stating, "I know you knew things weren't right when you couldn't let yourself go the other day even though I told you to trust me." How am I to ever trust him again? She is now completely out of the picture, but the thoughts still haunt me. I think of it probably about 70% of my waking hours and don't know how to get over it. She knew he was still married so yes, I do fault her as well, but I know he is the liar who I am still keeping in my live. With everything we have been through I can't imagine letting go, but when will the visions, thoughts and obsessions stop? I have prayed, sought counselling, talked with him and friends, but nothing is working. This all happened this past August, so it is still fairly fresh. How long will it take before I go insane? Any insight would be beneficial, thanks!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2008): I can understand that you are hurting and that you are upset, but you mentioned who all you spoke to and it seems you spoke to almost everybody except to the person concerned. You need to talk to your husband. You need to tell him what you know and how you feel. Okay, so he might not have told you the truth, but you knowing the truth without telling him are also not being open and honest.
If you have any hopes and wishes to make your marriage work, you both need to be very open and honest with each other and you both need to learn to communicate your feelings to each other in a calm and loving way. You are going to be wasting your time trying to reconcile if you are hiding things from each other.
I suggest you both go for counseling and learn how to be open and honest with each other.
I am not trying to justify him telling you lies, but he migh think he does not want to hurt you, meanwhile you knowing the truth are hurting anyway. NO, it is time to open up and stop hiding things from each other. No matter if it is going to hurt the other party, the trhuth will set you free. Sometimes the truth hurts but when out and cuts like a razor blade, but then at least there is a chance for the wounds to heal. If left unaired, chances are it will fester inside and proper healing can never take place.
Now, is the time to get your priorities in place as to how the two of you are going to built on this marraige in future. It is no point reconciling with things festering inside either of you. Come clean and start fresh.
Unfortunately ther is no easy way, there is no shortcut.But if you love each other enough and are both determined to make your marraige work, I am sure that if you can be honest with each other there will be no reason to have trust issues.
I wish you lots of luck and happiness. Hope things workout well for you.
Remember, honesty and communication is vital.
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