A
male
age
41-50,
*arryR
writes:My then-girlfriend and now wife took part in a program that tutored our school's athletes back when we were in college together. Many of the young women in the program who tutored the athletes also were very physical with these guys. It was apparently tacitly tolerated and maybe a "perk" of being a player at our school. I knew about all of this and my wife often came home to the dorm and joked about what went on between players and other tutors. However, she always said that she was not that way with any of these guys, despite some of them making moves on her, because they were too dumb, immature, etc.Now, eight years later I find out from her that she did allow them some interaction that I think counts as cheating on me. She has not been free with details, but I have a feeling it was a lot of groping and so on, and on one occasion she allowed a football player to lift her skirt because he liked her butt (the one detail she would give me). She does not think any of this is a big deal after this much time has passed. Apparently it was all in good fun for both the players and their tutors. But I am still angry and hurt about it. She has admitted that she would not have told me what went on at the time because she knew I would be mad.I admit part of what makes me mad is that some of these guys have gone on to pro careers (though most of them did not) and could probably get any women they wanted. Should I consider this to have been cheating despite our not yet being married, and her (relatively) minor indiscretions with these guys? How do I approach this with her given she does not share my concerns?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2010): If you honestly think she should have done anything about it, then I would understand your frustration. However, I get the sense that this is something she had to tolerate if she wanted to keep that job. Should that be the case, you should be comforting her for what she had to go through.
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (13 April 2010):
 I wonder how she'd feel if she had just found out that years ago while you were dating that you were doing the things to other women that she allowed to do to her? I'm quite sure she'd be furious and hurt no matter how much time has passed.It's a blow to find out that she wasn't honest with things, but it's now your call to decide what to do with the info. If she regrets not being honest, and technically she DIDN'T outright cheat on you, it could be something that promotes greater honesty and helps the two of you grow closer. What you CANNOT do is start a round of "emotional pennance" where you punish her until YOU get over it. That includes flinging it in her face, giving her the silent treatment, or god forbid heading out to the bars to "even the odds" with other women.
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