A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I guess I am here to try to mend my broken heart. I was in a long distance lesbian relationship with my ex for four and a half years. We hardly ever fought and I thought we got along really well. Yes, we were very different in our interests, but in our life goals and values I thought we saw eye to eye, or so I thought. I was in medical school when i met her, but then when I finally finished my residency, and was willing to move to where she was, she said "she wasn't sure about me" so she didn't think it was a good idea for me to move to where she was living. I still don't understand why she broke up with me since I treated her so well and like I said we never fought. I was one of the few people who loved her for who she was on the inside and not her looks. She used to be a model at one time, but I was not physically attracted to her at first when we met. We were friends for a long time before we ever dated and I really fell in love with her personality and heart. honestly, towards the end of our relationship I would have loved her no matter what she looked like. I know alot of people pursued her when we were together, but I always trusted her and I really don't think she ever cheated on me physically. She was my first love ever. It has been four years since our break up and I still can't move on, even though I have tried very hard. I have tried meeting new people and getting on with my life, but I feel stuck. I don't know how to fall in love with someone else when my heart still belongs to her. Though we are not together anymore, she still calls me at least once every week just to see how I am doing. I usually do not call her except on her birthday or special occasions. I know she is calling me purely because she cares about me and wants to be my friend. She has not given me any false hope of getting back together, since she has another gf now. Unlike most people, we had an amicable break up. I want her to be happy so when she broke up with me, I did not get angry or shout or fight with her. I just cried and told her that I wanted her to be happy. She tells me she treasures my friendship, but talking to her is always bittersweet for me. I feel like I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. I have been told that I should go "no contact" by my friends, but I feel like a jerk for doing that because it's not like she cheated on me, or did anything wrong. she just fell out of love with me. i still consider her my best friend, so i don't want to cut her out of my life. she has never treated me badly, so i don't carry any bad feelings towards her. i just feel sad about losing my best friend and the woman i wanted to grow old with. how do i move on?
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female
reader, KungPow +, writes (17 March 2011):
I don't stay "friends" with exes. I am not enemies with them, but I don't find it necessary or even appropriate to be buddies with them or call or go hang out. We were not just friends. We were lovers, shared really intimate things. When things ended, it made it awkward to try being friends. Because they weren't really meant to be friends. Things changed and could not be changed back. I
A
female
reader, KungPow +, writes (17 March 2011):
I really hate to burst your bubble, but I agree with your friends that you should avoid contact with her. It does NOT mean that she cheated or treated you poorly. But you are going to learn that there are simply times in a person's life when they should limit or remove all contact from someone in order to maintain something healthy. It sounds like you are suffering and you are going through pain by having contact with her. You need to heal and in FOUR YEARS after your breakup you STILL are hurt and mourning the loss of someone you just cannot stop loving. Give yourself some space from her. Don't look at it as if it's a punishment to either of you. But sometimes a person must cut off someone to get over them and to move on. Just because she is ready to be friends does not mean that you can do this. You don't want to cut her off and I think part of the real reason is because you are scared of not having contact with her at all. But believe me when I say that this is only causing you continued heartache and you're not moving on. You went from love to friendship and you cannot turn it off like a light switch. But I have been in your shoes and it really sounds like one of those times when you should seriously consider talking to her about how you still love her and it's not fair that you cannot be the good friend you'd love to be for her. You both deserve this much at this point. Take space and she will understand if you lay it all out for her. Good friends start by that kind of honesty. She will understand. That's my advice. And you will rob yourself of finding true love if you continue this way. You are stuck. Only you can get out of this. It takes some courage but this is going to be good for you both in the end. I wish you all the best of luck. I can tell you are hurting and it sucks. But having her keep in touch like this and you are still hurting after four years should prove something to you. This is just not really working. Don't cling to all you have left or even let yourself dare to wonder what if she ends up single... It is getting you nowhere and it is depressing. Isn't it? You won't even try to move on or date and try to let love find you again as long as you live this way. You only live once. Stop robbing yourself. In the end, you will end up being a stronger person and most likely happy with someone you love AND who loves you back. Maybe you will actually be fine with being friends with your ex after all is said and done. But for now - I think you should tell your ex that your feelings are still there and you are still hurting and you might do well by having space from her until further notice. Tell her she did nothing wrong but you just need to do this for the BOTH of your well being because you love her and because you want to move on and it's a healthy thing to do for the both of you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2010): ok, i hear what you are saying. i am sorry if what i write is coming out as sounding like i am complaining. honestly, i rarely talk about this matter with anyone in real life because i feel like i am bothering them, so this is my way of venting what is going on inside my head. most of the time, i just keep this to myself and from the outside most people think i am doing ok other than my weight loss.
i know you say that i should date other women, and give other women a chance. and yes, i have done that. but i find that when i meet other people, i can't feel any attraction to them at all other than as a friend. i don't think you can force attraction or love. just like you can't make someone else love you, you also can't force your heart to feel something that is not there. i don't want to hurt anyone by entering a relationship or stringing them along when i know my heart belongs to someone else. everyone tells me that i should date, but is it wrong to date when you know you aren't over your ex? i want to be sensitive and responsible with other people's hearts. i don't want to date someone just to help me get over someone else, i think that would be inconsiderate and cruel. i am inexperienced with matters of the heart, so if anyone has any advice on how to date when your heart is in this place, i would appreciate it.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2010): Your ex has you right where she wants you--alone and miserable. She threw you in the dumpster. If that's what float's your boat then shut up and stop your complaining. There's a lot of quality lesbian women available and if you choose not to give them the time of day because you enjoy being stomped on by your ex hush your whining and suck it up!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2010): thank you everyone for your advice. i guess the common theme here is that i should not talk to her anymore. i guess it is partly my fault that i am in this predicament. i know it is probably not the wisest thing for me to take her calls. i just feel like i am doing something wrong and rude by just ignoring her calls. i would not want someone to ignore me if i called, so i have trouble with the idea of ignoring someone who is not being rude to me. so you don't think it is possible to be friends with an ex? especially if it was not a bad breakup?
she recently called me to wish me happy birthday a few months ago. it was painful though because she actually called me the wrong month, which normally would not bother me, but it just shows that i am not that important to her anymore if she has forgotten what month my birthday is. and at the end of the phone call she accidentally called me "baby". i think it was a slip of the tongue since she is dating someone else now, and i know she did not mean to do it. i was so shocked i didn't say anything and just pretended that i didn't hear it, but it bothered me for days afterward. she hasn't called me anything since our breakup. she doesn't even call me by my first name. we just say hi and carry on with our conversations. i guess when you call someone a term of endearment for years, it is hard to go back to calling them by their first name.
it is also hard for me not to talk to her because quite honestly she and her friends are the only ones who accept me as i am. all my other friends are very conservative and are homophobic so i can't come out to them. when i lost my ex, i also lost the only social circle i had that accepted me for who i am. i had come out to my parents for her and now even my family relationship is strained. so i feel completely isolated. perhaps, i accept her phone calls because i feel so alone. i have tried to meet other gay people for support, but they only wanted a romantic relationship when i was just looking to be friends and they have since faded from my life. so i don't know what to do with myself. i almost wish sometimes that she had done something terrible to me, because it would be so much easier to move on. how do you stop loving someone when they never mistreated you? i know that some of you think she is a "snake" and manipulating me. and honestly, if i were hearing this story as an outsider without knowing the people involved, i would probably say the same thing. but honestly, she is not that kind of person. i don't think she is manipulating me or trying to keep me for herself as a backup. i really think she probably calls me because she is concerned about me and knows that i don't have a social support system in place to help me through this. i guess i will just have to do more soul searching. i have been trying very hard to focus on the good things in my life and forget about her and all the things that make me sad. i am going to try to start running again and hopefully my knee will hold up this time. i will try to tell her to stop contacting me for awhile until i can clear my mind. i just don't know if this will make me feel worse, since she is my only social support network.
thank you again to everyone who have taken the time to help me. i really appreciate it.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2010): Stop making excuses for your ex. That's why you can't move on. It's bs and it's time you standing up against her. She's got you brainwashed to where you're defending her. That's bs and you know it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2010): she sounds like she did not love you as much as you loved her. find someone who deserves you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2010): thank you komali and mr. window for your advice. i really appreciate it that you took the time to help someone you don't know. so thank you for caring.
i know that what you say is true. i have tried everything to help myself. i am a doctor and i try to bury myself in work helping as many people as i can. i find it ironic that i help so many people everyday, but i can't seem to help myself. i have gone to the gym and was working out to the point where i actually injured my knee from running too much, so i had to back off on that. i have read a dozen self help books on getting over a break up. i've tried ti keep myself busy and occupied with other things. i've done everything i can think of that is not self destructive to try to make myself feel better. but i feel like i am losing this battle. my parents and coworkers keep telling me that i have lost alot of weight and i feel like my physical health is starting to suffer. i don't think they know that i am depressed, but it bothers me that they can tell something is wrong.
i know i have to let her go. i WANT to let her go. i know how i feel is totally unhealthy. and i find myself crying almost every day. i really do want to move on. i just don't know how. honestly, i feel embarrassed and stupid that i still can't get over her after so long. i don't know what is wrong with me. i see how other people break up, move on, and find other people and i just look at them and wonder why i can't seem to do the same. i thought by now that my wounds would have healed and i would feel ok, but i just feel gutted.
to be fair to my ex, she has been a good friend to me after the break up. she knew that i was having a hard time and she has never strung me along or done anything to make me think she wanted to be anything more than friends. i really do think she cares about my welfare so her calls are not any kind of cruel mind game that some people play with their exes. i really do want her to be happy in the end, even if it means she is not with me. i just wish i could move on. i will try to take your advice to heart. thank you again for your help.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2010): Your ex is being selfish. If she really gave a crap about you, she would stop calling you on a weekly routine basis. That's her way of keeping you roped in as a back up in case her current relationship fails. It's also her way of making it impossible for you to detach from her and be available to give your heart away to another woman. She's not you're friend. She's preying on your vulnerable love of her. It is a disgrace what she is doing, and the only way you are going to be able to move on is to cut all ties with her. You don't need the friendship of a snake. She's not adding anything of value to your life, nothing, nothing at all. Enough is Enough. Throw her away. She's not your friend. She's actually your enemy as she barricading your right to love and be loved. She's what is a callous b*tch! Shut her down immediately!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2010): You know "Real Love And Relationships" is something we all consider valuable. However, it becomes a time to reconsider or evaluate when the relationship becomes stale or maybe I should say unhealthy. I know you spoke about this being your first love. I am sure this has a great deal to do with your deep feelings for her. The first love is always hard to let go or deal with when it goes astray.
Putting it straight and in delicate terms, you need to move on with your life like she has moved on with hers. It's obvious that you had more into the relationship than she did (as far as expectations)deciding to move with her and all. You can not make someone "Love" you. It is something that has to be on a mutual level. There are times when people do grow apart from one another for many reason.
It really does not matter why, at this point. You should simply do what you can to take care of yourself. I can not move in the future if you are stuck in the past. There are plenty opportunities that you will never see if you have your head stuck in a rut. You should not take the calls if it's going to make you weak and suffer to the extent that your suffering.
If she is truly your friend, you will certainly tell in time. Because lovers, come and go, but "True Friends" are forever. I do realize it is easier said than done. However, you have to engage yourself in some type of intense activity that will keep your mind busy. It should include working out, dancing, exercising or simply doing whatever you can regularly, to the point of perspiration and exhaustion.
This will begin to clear your mind as well as your thoughts. I promise you will immediately start to feel better and it will truly lift your Spirit! I know first hand because I have been there and it's the worst kind of hurt! to live with. I wish you the very best.
Mr. Window.
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