A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:my boyfriend of over 3 yrs has a friend who is a girl. I also have male friends, but I am becoming slightly alarmed with the amount of defense he puts up for their friendship. I have expressed my uncomfort for a while now but I have got nowhere. This girl is extremely attached to my boyfriend she often calls him durin work texts him throughout the day and is constantly asking him out on facebook.And get this: she's married now with a child and she still won't stop. Personally I don't think she's very happy from what shes told my boyfriend as the pregnancy was unexpected. but I thought she would at least chill out, but she hasn't. Mind you i'm a grown woman who also has male friends. I understand long friendships. I find it disrespectful that she expressed on my boyfriend page her disapproval for our relationship, and after knowing I do not care for her, has yet to respect boundaries. Its as if she has this attitude of ive known him longer, so I come first. Among the things ive already mentioned even when I tried to be friendly and invite her to his bday she kept trying to hold his hand.She has even made fun of my boyfriend on his fb for being sweet to me, yet he defends her, and her malicious actions all the time. Something is not right and I have made friends, but I don't make them more important than my relationship my boyfriend. just recently told me she wasnt going anywhere and if I expected this to be a long term relationship i'd better get used to her being around cause she's not going anywhere. Help!
View related questions:
facebook, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2011): For the longer explanation, see your other question. The one worded almost exactly like this one.
Shutting out his friends won't work, especially if he feels your dislike of her has been unfair from the start. Compromise by telling him you respect that he has this friend, but that you are uneasy, and would like to be the only one he holds hands with at functions. If he respects that you feel uneasy and are trying to mesh with his friends, he should do this to make you feel more at ease. Any confrontation should be done by him as it is his responsibility to put her in her place.
If he refuses to help you get more comfortable with ANY of the people he hangs around with, you really should move on.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2011): Give him an ultimatum.If he doesnt want to distance himself from her,then let him go.He is putting her before you.The only way 2 people can form such a bond is if they spend alot of time together,talk alot,confide in each other,share personal stuff,who knows what else is going on.Sounds like he is too comfortable &too confident in your relationship,hes not taking you seriously. He is not putting you first.She is clearly trying to cause a divide between you & your bf,trying to isolate you from their little 'bond' they have going.Dont back down,stand your ground,he is in the wrong,not you.Stick to your ultimatum. Good luck
...............................
A
female
reader, little_3_eyes +, writes (10 March 2011):
 Well, my best friend growing up was a guy and I have no sympathy for ya, sorry. Maybe he sees her more as a sister than a girl. He's known her for a long time and he probably forgives her for a lot more than he should.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2011): The problem here is not her I'm afraid - its your boyfriend. He is allowing her to come between you - her actions are blatant and predatory in my opinion and she stirs up trouble. I think your boyfriend likes the attention she gives him and defends her because he would hate that to stop. You have clearly tried to be friends with her, inviting her out etc. I think you have explored that avenue. The only advice I can give you is, think long and hard first about whether you want to be with a guy who sounds a little too immature to handle this 'issue' with the respect for you he should be. Secondly, if you really want to be with this guy then I would absolutely quit saying anything more about her, to her, or to your boyfriend about her. By simply removing yourself from it you are saying it no longer matters, you are letting your boyfriend (I hope) discover for himself what she is doing and not distracting him with your own problem. In summary you are not giving either of them any ammunition for pathetic facebook comments or lines of defense. Just stay out of it. If he cares about you he will see your maturity versus her immaturity and make a decision about which he wants. By giving this problem 'energy' you are making it worse for yourself - plus she knows she is getting under your skin. Find an interest or slightly different circle of friends which you can get involved with so she is not in your face. Don't give this problem too long to sort itself out - 3 months tops. Good luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, chickpea2011 +, writes (10 March 2011):
 Hi,
I am upset just reading ur story...OMG! Is she crazy? Honestly your boyfriend & this female friend friendship is not normal...
I notice you are very mature, understanding & open about having female friends, but this "female friend" is just being very rude & she shouldn't be so involved with your boyfriend..
Well, I know ur upset & you have the right to be..(Honestly) I don't understand your boyfriend.. Ok they are old friends, ok they have history together, that ur boyfriend knows this "female friend" longer than you, but it doesn't matter how long, now "YOU ARE THE GIRLFRIEND" so he should understand you, respect you & separate himself from this "female friend". They shouldn't been texting, calling each other everyday, several times a day..
You seem like a nice person, I don't want to make you more upset, but if you feel uncomfortable, its making you feel sad & upset, you should have a serious talk to your boyfriend once again, if he refuses to change? Then, you need to make a serious decision.. Do you agreed? He needs to choose.. Because you are not happy... Or, are you willing to accept their friendship? If you do you need to learn to accept..& don't complain about..
Its your life, you know him better, decide what's best for you...all I know is that life is too short, you deserve to be happy...
Bottom line, I just want you to know that how you feel is completely acceptable, you are not wrong, you have the right to feel this way...
Good luck, let's us know how ur doing...
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2011): Give him an ultimatum.If he doesnt want to distance himself from her,then let him go.He is putting her before you.The only way 2 people can form such a bond is if they spend alot of time together,talk alot,confide in each other,share personal stuff,who knows what else is going on.Sounds like he is too comfortable &too confident in your relationship,hes not taking you seriously. He is not putting you first.She is clearly trying to cause a divide between you & your bf,trying to isolate you from their little 'bond' they have going.Dont back down,stand your ground,he is in the wrong,not you.Stick to your ultimatum. Good luck
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2011): Dearest Anonymous,
Firstly, ask yourself the question: "Why do we both, while in a serious, committed relationship, feel the need for companions of the other sex?" Do we not fullfill each others emotional needs? Are we not enough to keep our partner satisfied?
The thing is, and some may say my view of this is archaic but, males and females in commited relationships should not feel the need for additional companionship from the other sex. And in the end you created, by having male friends, a standard which indicates that he may also have additional female companions of his choosing.
If you want to change this, and I do not think it is possible without altering the relationship permanently, you must first sacrifice your relationship with your male friends before asking him to do the same with his female friends as you cannot expect him to do something you are not willing to do yourself.
Secondly, stand your ground against that shewolf and make clear that you will in no way tollerate any disrespect towards you or advances she will make towards your boyfriend. She must be kept as far away as possible.
Now for the difficult part, if your boyfriend complains, you will have to make him choose. The relationship between them does not seem like a relationship between two friends. There is a 50% percent change that he will not choose you. However, this will indicate to you how serious he is about your relationship and how serious (romantic) his relationship is with this friend of his.
Be careful, rather be with a man who feels that you are his best female friend and whom you feel is yours. An additional male or female friend in a relationship is unhealthy, except where couples are friends with couples.
...............................
|
