A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:this is a bit of an odd question, and i'm hoping someone will be able to help me in one way or another. i've posted on here a few times about the same thing cause something always felt a bit off to me, now i KNOW something is wrong.i've been dating this girl for a little while now (i'm gay), and from the very beginning, something felt...off? but i kept ignoring it.when we first met, she told me she'd just gotten out of a bad relationship and needed to move slow. she trashed her ex. she talked about how her ex had abused her, broke her arm, split her lip, controlled everything about her, and really treated her terribly. but then our relationship began to move at a whilwind pace. she even dropped the L word within the first few weeks to a month, and mentioned us living together in the future, etc. but the odd thing was, she wouldn't come see me. i felt like she really liked me - rather, i was certain she did. i knew she was attracted to me and all that, but was almost scared of being around me? i found she'd always make excuses to cancel plans with me. it was really odd considering i could tell she was into me. i never thought she was lying or seeing someone else. i'd never experienced anything like that before, and didn't know how to handle it. when i'd confront her, she'd always have a justification for it. her mom needed something, her ex was harrassing her, she was sick, got caught up at work for long hours, etc. it was always something. it really hurt my feelings and i thought she was just bailing on me because she lost interest. but deep down i could tell that wasn't the case. i knew something deeper was the problem. i tried to be patient and give her the benefit of the doubt though, and she kept telling me to be patient because she was from an abusive relationship.then, all of a sudden, she completely out of the blue, told me she was going on a vacation and needed me to give her some space for a while. i was completely thrown off guard and didn't know why, but said okay, even though i didn't understand at all.during this time, she really wanted me to leave her alone and not talk to her. or really, mainly let her contact me when she wanted to talk. other than that, i was expected to leave her alone. i tried my best to accomodate her, but i was really confused. any time i'd ask her the status of our relationship and why she needed space, she'd snap at me and tell me she asked for space and i wasn't giving it to her. so i learned not to question her. when she wanted to contact me, she contacted me. it was very unusual and upset me. well when she got back, things seemed a little better for a while. i thought maybe she'd just been through a lot and needed to rejuvinate or something. but she then would still only come see me maybe once a week. and when she would, she'd spend the night then need to leave to "have her alone time" immediately after. i would question why she had to leave since we both had more time off and i thought we would spend it together. she would just say she just needed to. i never got the impression she was cheating or seeing anyone else, i still don't. which is why that was so odd to me. i never grasped why she behaved that way, still don't.about two weeks after she'd gotten back from her "vacation", i thought things were going somewhat okay. but she then told me her grandpa got sick, and needed me back off of her again and give her space. she told me she didn't have time to be with me and we just needed to be friends for right now. i was once again, completely caught off guard. i was worried sick because i cared a lot about her and worried about her family. i expressed interest in trying to be there for her and she wouldn't let me be. she just shut me out completely. i had a very difficult time with this and expressed to her it really hurt me she'd reacted this way, but i'd try and give her space. she told me she wasn't looking to date anyone else though, just couldn't give me her full attention at the moment. so i backed off. she called me a few days later sobbing about how he wasn't doing well. we talked for a few hours about him, and then progressed into talking about us. we stayed up until 4 am talking about our relationship and she promised she'd try not to keep me in the dark anymore. when we got off the phone, i didn't hear from her for three more days. i finally sent her a text and asked her the status of us and how her grandpa was doing because i was confused based on our last convo. she informed me we were just friends. i told her i was confused from the other night. she insisted she still didn't have time to give me what i needed in a relationship at the moment with everything going on, and to please quit getting in her face about her and i while she was so stressed about her grandpa. i told her okay, and that i'd try my best to just be a supportive friend even though i was baffled by her behavior. but i told her if we were going to just be friends, we needed to JUST be friends. no talk about her and i, or us. that feelings needed to be completely removed from the equation and we should just be platonic. about an hour later, she sends me this awful text telling me not that i deserved to know, but her grandpa had died the the next morning after we had last spoken, and that's why i didn't hear from her. she'd been too busy and did NOT want to talk about it. and that she didn't want to be my friend or anything with me anymore because i didn't give her her "space" like she had asked for. i was blown away. i just told her sorry for her loss and left her alone.the next afternoon, i was speaking to her friend on the phone, and mentioned her grandpa dying. she was like "what??" so she sent her a text, and as it turns out, her grandpa was released from the hospital that afternoon. i was completely dumbfounded. i immediately called her out on the lies and told her how messed up it was to lie about something like that, and her only response was to tell me that i'm crazy. that was yesterday and i haven't heard from her since. sorry so long, but my main question is has anyone encountered anyone like this before? there's got to be some degree of mental illness and if so, what? she's literaly made me feel like i'm the crazy one. now i'm wondering if all the stuff she said about her ex was just lies, and if she was the one with the problem the entire time. her ex has tried to contact me on facebook but she insisted i block her and not read anything she has to say because whatever she said would all be lies. so i blocked her and never read her messages. everything has just been so up and down, and back and forth, and the fear of spending time with me. but i was just wondering if anyone had any personal insight they'd exprienced with this before, and if so, what it was. thank you and once again, sorry so long! just needed to put it all out there.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2011): Wow, you've just explained the status of my last relationship and all I can say is that you need to leave and cut contact as soon as you can. I too was in a relationship with a girl who was suffering post-traumatic stress disorder, after she encountered a few traumatic ordeals in her past (And from what you describe, I think this girl is suffering something similar as she hasn't been able to fully heal from past trauma). And even though deep down I knew she wasn't ready emotionally for a relationship I still went there (mistakenly) thinking I could make it work. All she did was hurt and confuse me, and it seems like this girl is doing the very same thing to you. I can't tell you how much better I am doing without her in my life and I think this is the only solution to your problem, as hard as it may be. Know that you cannot be the knight in shining armour when it comes to people dealing with their own emotional issues, as this must come from themselves. And I understand that you may want to be there as a mode of support, but people dealing with their own trauma will avoid the love and support from most people as a defense mechanism. She needs to reignite the light in her life within her own time and own way. And if things are meant to be, after she has healed emotionally, you could try your relationship again. But once again my advice for now, cut contact with her and give her the space to heal. It'll do you a world of good my friend as what you describe currently is a toxic situation. Best of luck!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2011): There is no need to spend any more time with this female. She clearly has some issues mentally and emotionally. Look how stressed u are and how many times u have posted about the same problem with the same female. Let it go. Save the remaining pieces of ur heart before u lose ur self in this mess. Unless u like how she's treating u....leave. Give her space and pls take the advice offered.
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