A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I've been going out with my girlfriend for about a year, and she's gradually lost interest in sex. She claims she feels guilty because of her religious beliefs, even though she was quite aggressive sexually early in the relationship, and actually pressured me into having sex the first time we did it.I've been having a hard time understanding what is going on, and I've asked her about it several times. Earlier today I asked her why she didn't get aroused at all when she was around me, despite the fact that she tells me she does get horny when she's by herself. I did not ask this in a condescending or insulting way (e.g. I DIDN'T say "why are you such a frigid bitch?"). I really am having a hard time understanding where she's at.She blew up and got into an extremly angry mood. She texted me late in the day dropping numerous F bombs and telling my insecurity about this issue was driving her crazy. She said it ruined her entire day, caused her to go to the wrong resturant for her friends birthday celebration, etc. She also told me I needed to see a psychologist, that I had a lot of problems, etc. (This message was not delivered in a kind, caring manner, to say the least). She also said quite directly that all of the problems in our relationship are my fault, that she is not at fault in any way, and that I will have to make all the changes.I had asked her the same basic question a couple times before over the past week or so, and I can understand why it was somewhat annoying to hear the same question again. Still, her all day rage seems a bit over the top. She insisted that I apologize, but I haven't done so because I'm not willing to accept 100% of the blame for her rage and lack of sex drive.I did acknowledge that the question was annoying, and I kept offering to drop it over and over. But, she kept dropping F bombs and blaming me for ruining her whole day. At one point I told her that I'm not perfect, but that I didn't insult her, I didn't cheat on her, I didn't physically abuse her, etc. (all things that her prior boyfriends did to her) I also said that she would have to learn to accept some faults in me if she's serious about having a long term relationship because I'm not perfect, and there's only so much I can do (she has said many times that she wants to get married to me). This was met with more F bombs and put downs about my psychological health.My fear is that by apologizing I'll allow to to avoid taking any responsibility for being nasty to me and for her all day rage, which seems out of proportion to me. Am I just being stubborn for not apologizing?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2010):
The fact that she loved sex with those guys and not with you is the whole story. You need to understand this if you want to understand what is going on here.
Hurt her, get sex.
Treat her well, get no sex.
A
male
reader, Ven +, writes (9 November 2010):
"What I don't understand is that she says she loved the sex with these guys, but she apparently can't let herself enjoy sex with me."
You admitted earlier that those guys end up using her until she tries to get serious. You don't want to be one of those guys, do you? At the same time, she is trying to change a pattern in her life (a very difficult thing to do), and you have a wonderful opportunity to help her with that.
In regards to her blaming you for everything, it means something is bothering her and instead of digging down and resolving the real issue she takes aim at you. If you value the relationship (especially if you are not against the idea of marriage), you should really consider couples counseling. I would recommend it for any couple that is considering marriage, and also most couples that take relationships seriously.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the responses. Part of the reason I'm reluctant to apologize is that I think an unhealthy pattern has emerged between us in which she blames me for everything that's wrong in our relationship, and I grovel and take all the blame despite the fact that our issues are rarely completely my fault.
A little more information: We had gone out for a couple years, and then broke up for about 5 years before getting back together about a year ago. She was emotionally devasted for quite a long time (roughly two years) after we broke up. She had a series of boyfriends during the past 5 years. My take on it is that she was sexually aggresive with these guys and started having sex with each of them early in the relationship hoping this would cause the guy to like her and want to get married to her. What appears to have actually happened is that her provocative behavior resulted in her hooking up with a lot of guys who just wanted to have sex with her, and dumped her once she started talking marriage. This apparently caused her a great deal of emotional suffering, but she seems to blame her problems on the men being jerks who just used her.
I do know she is very scared of being hurt emotionally again.
What I don't understand is that she says she loved the sex with these guys, but she apparently can't let herself enjoy sex with me. I'm trying to figure out if this will change if we get married and she's finaly secure with me?
Thanks again for the responses so far.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2010): well women in that age bracket like to think of marriage after some time on. you have been fucking her long enough without poping the question. my guess is that prompted her changed attitude towards sex.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2010): This is not about you in the first place.
This story is a common one with people who have lived lives of past abuse or falling out of their previous morals. They have a lot of sex in bad circumstances. Pretty soon they associate sex with all that is bad in life. So they can indulge in sex and feel naughty or they can push away all their sexual impulses and feel clean again.
What you are not likely get from them is a healthy positive sex life. It really puts the lie to all the talk about "your partner's past is irrelevant to their future"
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A
male
reader, Ven +, writes (8 November 2010):
Yes and no. Being stubborn is not going to fix the problem. Letting her walk all over you is not going to fix the problem.
Her religion is the grouping of her highest values, and as such you are forced to respect that. More than likely she went through a falling out with her religion or a season of weakness when she started sleeping with you. Unfortunately, you will probably never know for sure.
What you do know is that her cutting you off (even if she has a great excuse), wreaks havoc on your self-esteem. Does that mean you will get sex? Probably not. In fact, pushing for it or for some kind of resolution will most likely get you single (since marriage is probably her religion's other option and fighting doesn't get you there).
So you can apologize for being annoying, and you can apologize for ruining her day (even though you may have only been an indirect cause for that). But the two of you need to have a talk that deals with everything regarding sex and your self esteem. If you are serious about each other, I would recommend counseling.
At the end of the day, your self-esteem may not be able to handle being cut off from sex. She needs to know that. If you need sex and she can't budge, you aren't being shallow to break the relationship off. Trying to sit in a situation that emotionally whales on you is not going to end well, for either of you.
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