A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have started seeing a women who is a few years older than me. Shes lovely, sweet and can just make me smile.Her last relationship was around 7 months ago and ended horribly, from what i am aware of he was strongly violent towards her, causing physical harm.Things started off between us slowly but began to heat up and we have become emotionally and physically very close. As she is older than me she's had more experience in relationships, before the last 7 months she was in relationships constantly for 6 years and is now enjoying the time being single and getting to know herself.We've spoken about becoming an "Official" couple, but she says she doesn't want to become a part of someone else and she actually resents the idea of being a couple. Usually i would understand this and walk away. But theres something very special about us and i can't seem to do that, what makes it harder is neither can she and we always end up becoming an "Almost Couple".Its all come to a head now as she came to me distraught, saying that she'd kissed another guy and how much she regretted it. She expected me to be angry, but i wasn't, i was just a little sad, although we weren't together it was kind of understood that it was just both of us. She said that she was cross with me because now she felt tide-down and no longer single, she said she wasn't ready for a relationship and she just wanted to do what she wanted rather than have to worry how this effects another person. This made me think of walking away, but then she said she was falling in love with me and trying not too as best she could, to avoid all this being a problem.I'm not so bothered that she kissed someone else, as i know she was just panicking about getting so close to me, i would never have found out and I'm glad she was honest. But the problem for me is that she wants to be able to do what she likes, when for me it's a case of your with me or with someone else, i don't like how people can have strings of people they sleep with/date. I can forgive a kiss on a drunken night, as everyone knows it easy to get caught up in the moment especially if your not official, but it makes me feel uneasy that she could then date this guy as well which i hate the thought of.I would really appreciate some opinions on what i should do here, it feels really special but i can't see how I'm not going to get my heart broken.
View related questions:
drunk, violent Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2009): I heard this really good quote one time and I want to tell it to you, because I think you need to hear it.
"Don't make someone a priority in your life if you're only an option in theirs"
I am truely thinking this is what you are doing here. making her a huge priority. But she's not doing the same in return. She just came out of a horrid relationship and she is asking you for space and room to breathe. She has told you that she wants to be single. And you need to accept that and let her go.
I am wondering why, though...she claims to be in love with you, but she's still striving to be single. That doesn't make sense. When a person is in love with another..nothing and I mean nothing will get in their way to commit and make a solid promise to become a couple with another. I think she loves you ..but as a good friend and possibly, a future potential but her actions are not showing she is 'in love with you'. .I think you are being strung a long a bit.
Cut down on contact for awhile and let her live her life...there is nothing you can do here. She's in a complicated phase of her life right now and I am thinking..she's needs to be single to get her bearings. If she's meant to be with you, then someday, she will be back. I am sorry. In the meantime, look after yourself here and get out and have fun with friends. Distract yourself from her and the only way to heal..towards a recovery is to cut back on seeing her.
Good luck
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2009): I can understand how she appreciates her own life. I too was in an abusive relationship for 16 years. I have been on my own for 2 years now, and I cherish having my own place without answering to anyone. But it also becomes lonely at times. I thought I would enjoy getting out and playing the field, so to speak...but I hate it! I have always been a one man, woman...and I can't change it. When I fall for someone...no one else interests me.
Your lady needs some space to figure out who she is and what she wants. Her emotions are all jumbled following the abusive relationship.
She clearly cares about you. She wouldn't have told you about the kiss if she didn't. She is scared to fall in love again...it's frightening after a break-up. We don't want our hearts trampled on again!
We all risk it when we get into new relationships...what we have to decide is Is this person worth that risk?
...............................
A
female
reader, Briana969  +, writes (19 May 2009):
Hiya,
It seems pretty obvious you relly like this girl, however it seems to be her that isnt sure. it seems from what you have written that shes bears some emotional scars at the moment, and seem pretty fresh still, comming out of a six year relationship that was violent is something thats going to need some time for her to accept and move on.
the fact she was angry at you and that she doesnt want to be tied down to another person kinda makes it clear to me that shes not ready for another relaitonship and that you wanting her to commit is something that is making her feel resentment. the only thing you can suggest is to have a clear word with her and decide what she wants
you may need some patience and time if you are willing to wait and keep things on a strictly friends only basis, she may need time to herself, have a chance to discover herself. dont be waiting on the fence forever though, give it a couple of months and who knows.
hope this helps
...............................
|
