A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend of 3 years broke up with me about a month ago. We have a 2 1/2 year old son. We are sharing custody.Our relationship had been declining for months as the pressures of school, work, raising a child, and living with my parents chipped away at us.I still love her and want more than anything to be with her. She says she loves me emotionally but not physically. She says there is no spark. Before the break up were having sex maybe once every other month.After the break up but while she was still living with me she started seeing a man she works with. The man is married. When I originally confronted her about it she denied it. She eventually told me about it. I have evidence that they had sex but she denies that too.The man eventually broke it off with her because he wanted to go back to his wife. She was devastated by it. Soon after she told me she was open to the idea of us getting back together. She wanted to be friends and see how it turns out. A couple of days later the other guy wasn't sure about his decision anymore and was reconsidering.She is extremely hung up on this guy. She says she doesn't love him but says there is a strong spark between them. She asked him to leave his wife to be with her. She said that she couldn't resist her feelings while they worked together. In our conversations she said that as long as he has feelings for her she will not be able to move on.I know that right now that I have no chance of being with her as long she is infatuated with him. If it ends between them should I pursue a relationship with her? I'm afraid that I'll always have the feeling that I was the fall guy and that she really wants to be with the other man.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionA little update. She has decided that the relationship with the MM is not a good idea. She is not however cutting herself off from him completely. She will still work with him every other weekend. She said she will not initiate further contact with him. She will respond to his communications to her.
She has now expressed feelings of extreme loneliness and says she misses having me around. I posted a more detailed question about the situation. I would be glad to hear from those who responded to this question. It is called "Even although she's my ex, she calls me "because she's lonely". How do I deal with this?"
I don't care about being anonymous anymore. Thank you to those who took the time to offer advice. I still wish to have a romantic relationship with her in the future but I'm taking a more cautioned approach than I would have. I'm going to start living for myself and making sure I'm happy and whole.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionShe is 22 and we were never married. We wanted to wait until we were done with school. She was 19 when she had our son. She has expressed regret that she was never able to live the "college" life. Sometimes I think she tries to when she goes out with her friends.She says she is attracted to the total package of this man. She says that he drives her "crazy," in a good way. She said I used to but then the spark died. They apparently have a lot in common and he makes her feel good about herself.I wonder if part of all of this is the thrill of keeping this a secret. She said it is to early to tell if this is love or the "one." Yet she talks about him like they were "soul mates" and he is the greatest thing since sliced bread. They both work in a nursing home together and will sneak off into rooms to kiss each other. People at their work have suspicions but no one knows for sure about them. Only a couple of his and her respective friends know about this. Her sister and one of her closest friends have told her to be careful with getting involved with him. Her best friend is giving her the cold shoulder because she was cheated on in the past.The man and his wife have talked about getting a divorce but a long time has passed and neither of them has acted on it. They have no kids. My ex says that if the wife found out that her husband was seeing someone intimately the wife would leave him. My ex actually hopes that happens. I didn't tell her at the time but I found that to be absurd. That should send up a billion red flags. If all the husband has to do is tell his wife about the affair to end his marriage so he can be with my ex then why hasn't he?My ex had a troubled childhood. Her biological mother was a user and absent most of her life. She has trust issues. She also suffers from depression. She takes medication for it. She has seen a therapist but that has yielded almost nothing. She just went to the therapist a couple of days ago. When my ex told the therapist about the married man she just said, "OK." The therapist did not even try to analyze the situation.My ex takes medication for depression and for her thyroid. I wonder if that might be partly responsible for the lack of "spark." I have made mistakes and I haven't done everything I can to keep the flame alive but I'm noticing a pattern. We have broken up a couple of times because of this "spark" issue. Every time we get back together it comes back for her. I wonder if the initial attraction and newness is enough for her to feel it but then the routines of life and her medication dull it.I have taken steps to better my life. I will be there for her when this thing blows up. I will however be very guarded about the possibility of getting back with her. There need to be some serious reforms on her part too. Even now she says that I'm the only one she has ever felt like she could spend the rest of her life with.
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A
male
reader, Morp  +, writes (1 October 2008):
 How old is your gf? seems she is just ignoring the facts when she says she loves you emotionally but not physically . She just wants to cry on your shoulders . After she is okay and happy she goes find something physical . What more you both have a 2 year old son . Seems history always repeats , and the kid are always the suffers . If youre not divorced atm and she is already having sex or is with another men and playing behind yer back and just like she is all hurting you. Well put this in perceptive , she says she feels a spark with this married men ,, so i guess the way yu put it the men, went back to his wife. So the answer is there she just felt a spark for a physical , the men gave that still went to his own wife and left your wife devastaded . Seems she doesnt know what she wants to do and it looks like she is young also . Dude , get with it , your son deserves better , its going to be hard to find a women that takes care of someoneselse son . Reminds me of me in ways when i was that 2 year old kid . Try to understand and put detail and facts to your wife . If she has made up her mind dont fret over it for you deserve better and in time you will .
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAfter working together twice they couldn't resist each other and are now back to their "quasi" secret relationship.
Ironically I've turned into the only person she can truly confide in when it comes to the relationship with the other guy. I'm trying to be a true friend and keep my other feelings out of it.
I've been reading dozens of stories on this website and others that are nearly the cookie cutter exact to hers. I'm trying to convince her that she is going to get hurt and needs to be careful. I'm trying to get her to set a firm "leave the wife" date that she'll stick to.
I feel that as the ex that I shouldn't be doing this. One of her other friends should be taking on this role. Yet none of them have so I do it. It pains me every time she talks about how happy he makes her but I labor on.
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A
female
reader, thatgothgirl20 +, writes (1 October 2008):
 Sounds like she is going to get hurt badly. Sorry you got tangled up in this as well.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionShe says the only reason she allowed it to go anywhere was because he wanted to get a divorce. She has told the guy that he needs to leave his wife if he wants to be with her. I brought up the possibility that he is just using her but she says that she knows that he wouldn't do that.
So right now my chance of being with her depends on the decision of a married man.
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A
female
reader, thatgothgirl20 +, writes (30 September 2008):
If she's with a married man, I think that you deserve better. Find a woman that your child can look up to!
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