A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been talking to a married girl for a few weeks now. She is roughly my age. When I first met her, I didn't know she was married. When I found out, I was ready to never speak to her again. I'm not a cheater or a home-wrecker; or so I thought. She went on to tell me how abusive he is and has been for the past 5 or 6 years, physically, emotionally, and mentally. She has one daughter with him and three others from a previous relationship.He doesn't let her work or go out with friends (thus, she has no friends). She doesn't have a license, just an ID card. Her family is back east and unable to help financially or otherwise. She literally has no escape route... until I came along. I'm captivated by this woman. Last week, after days of going back and forth, she decided she was ready to take the leap of leaving her husband and children behind so she could take the steps toward starting a new life. A new life where she can support her children and get custody of them.While the husband is abusive in all those ways to her, he provides for the family and seems to be a good dad - just a terrible, abusive, controlling husband. Let me preface the rest of this by saying I only agreed if she was leaving permanently because I don't want to be "that guy." So, she left with me and was staying with me from Wednesday until Sunday. She stayed strong through Friday until Friday night, when the ache of missing her kids started to become a serious problem. Each day, she had texted or called her husband so she could talk with the kids before they go to bed at night. Friday night turned into a lot of texting back and forth.On Saturday, after talking with them all again, she asked me what I would think if she said she wanted to go back to be with her kids again. We had a long talk about why she did this and why she would want to suffer again in that relationship. At that point, it started to become clear to me that she wasn't quite ready to make this decision. On Sunday, after talking a LOT with her husband, kids, and the husband's mom who was in town, she decided she needed to go back. So I took her back, in great pain, thinking I'd never see this amazing girl again. We have such an amazing connection. She really did NOT want to go back, but felt she had to for the kids.At this point, we have fallen for each other, but there's no solution to the equation. Ready to never speak to her again, I suffered through the night and went to work in the morning (yesterday). She contacts me in the morning and says it was a mistake to go back. She felt happy to see the kids again, but that quickly went away when she realized nothing would probably change. I told her whatever she decided, I would support her. I talked to her later last night and could tell she was still so confused. Her husband wants to work on things yet again. They have gone down this path several times in the past years and she says it always goes back to the same way it was before - a terrible, loveless marriage.I tell her that I don't want to be divisive, so I will wait for her to contact me so I don't add to the confusion. Shortly after we get off the phone, I receive a text from "her." Essentially, it says that they have decided to work on their marriage and she can't give 100% if she's talking to me (which I agree with) and so she needs to let me go. While I didn't believe that was truly from her, I have to respect that decision.Today around noon, I get a message from her saying that she can't take it anymore. She loves me and can't get me out of her head. She wants me to come and get her again. We talk about it for a while because I want to make sure she is positive this time. Her husband keeps going back and forth from begging her to stay to demanding that she get her stuff and leave his house. She, too, keeps going back and forth because of the kids. She also confirmed that the text last night was from her but that he made her send the message.Today's conversation ended with her going back and forth between leaving and wondering if she should truly try to let me go and work on her marriage. It pains me that abuse victims keep going back and thinking things will change. But, again, I let her go. If she comes back later or tomorrow and says she's ready to go, what am I supposed to do? I don't know if I can deal with her coming with me again, and then wanting to go back to her family later on. It was already so painful the first time I had to drive her back to her family and watch her walk away with her possessions in her hands.
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female
reader, shynessreality  +, writes (30 June 2010):
Hi, I am a abuse victim myself , and I can see where your coming from. However she might be finding it difficult to leave him because she might have stockholms syndrome. This involves the victim feeling like they love their abuser, and that it's not the abusers fault when they abuse the victim.I suffer from this , and it made it extremely difficult to leave my abusive ex boyfriend. The best thing you can do, is get her to talk to someone professional or explain this to her - good luck x
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2010): "I'm not a cheater or a home-wrecker; or so I thought."
Keep that in mind. You can't save her. She can only 'save' herself, if indeed that's what has to happen. You are a complication, not a help. Leave her to sort out the situation in a way consistent with her vows and her values.
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