A
male
age
41-50,
*ack79
writes:My wife 10 yrs together/8yrs married and me have been separated for over 2 months now. The reason being was because of infidelity on my part. I take full responsibilities for my actions and while we were talking separation before anything had happened we still were and are technically married. Over the 8yr marriage my relationship was lacking in intimacy and even though yr after yr I would tell my wife intimacy was a coreissue for marriage she would still continue to ignore my plea for more intimacy and passion and would say things like “all I wanted was sex.” She would always tell me she would go see a counselor but never did because she would just not think about intimacy or ideas to keep it creative. Not just sex but the feeling to be wanted, touched and to be close. I've always looked at her with lust in my eye and always made sure she was taking care of by coming up with ideas or trying new things to keep it exciting. I know I have my faults as well and there were things that I didn't do that could've helped her needs like cooked more when she asked. Even up til the day before I stepped out of the relationship I tried to make advances to my wife to show her I still cared and loved her but she pushed me away rightfully because it was my fault to become attracted to another woman but nothing had happened before that just conversation. Then one night I gave it one more go for a intimate kiss hoping she would respond and she pushed me away and I told her she was pushing me into the arms of another woman and her response was "there’s nothing I can do", I so wanted her to have some passion that night and fight for me but I felt so unloved. Now that I've met and gotten to know this other person, I've fallen in love with her, not just the sex but she's everything I wish my wife were. I.e. personality, likes to travel, have goals, passion and vision. We're still very young (her mid 20’s- we are early 30's) with no kids but I had to take a step back from the other woman because I had to make sure with clarity and a clear head and heart that whatever decision I make I can live with. The problem is that I don't want to lose this other woman in my life but I know its not right to have her wait for me while I come to peace with myself. I hate seeing her hurt because she wants me so bad and I want her but I still have issues with leaving one relationship for another without inner peace. All this is my blame because I'm starting to realize that my wife isn't someone I probably would've never married now and I should’ve either dealt with this before stepping out or tried to fight harder but we were so young then and never really got to know each other well because of an LDR and then after I moved to be with her we got married 3 months later. We are so different when it comes to certain things and especially intimacy. I just read 5 love languages and I'm seeing a counselor, I feel confused and get emotional because I feel like I failed our marriage by always never being satisfied with just her because of what I felt was lacking and its hard to let go because we just built a brand new house and my dreams of living there with her are gone possibly. Am I ungrateful because she was good in other ways, I have anger issues that she always pointed out but we always would reconcile. I know once my head is clear I will have a peace but I’m scared.
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female
reader, Am I just stupid  +, writes (30 December 2010):
See that is exactly where the man I love is...he wants to have a clear head, so to speak and said he cant handle another relationship right now...so it is true, I never could speak to anyone else that would know what he is going thru..but like you they seperated several times even before we got together, so the true problem was there before we did anything. And I so do wish he would have just never went back and would have just left me be, before my heart got sooooo broken. But yes I do feel like I am being left out for nothing, just like I was nothing but an affair and that was it. Like I am the one being left behind. And I have thought about maybe going out with someone else, but I just cant not yet....he has my heart. Let me ask you..would you like to hear that your lover misses you and wants to see you, or would you feel pressured by that?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2010): Sad when a marriage fails, even sadder when it fails due to adultery.
But to echo your wifes words: 'there is nothing I can do', rings very true.
I think a great lesson to be learnt for the next relationship is , end one before starting another.
I am amazed that you are 'hurting' so since you made the choice to cheat. I guess we all mourn differently.
Take Care
LoveGirl
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A
male
reader, mack79 +, writes (29 December 2010):
mack79 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm not seeing my lover at this moment, because its not right to her as I go through this. I saw my wife for 10 minutes at Christmas and overall we have been very civil minus a few flare ups. I am not holding her back; I'm trying to move forward with my life. Like I said I take my blame for things that I did throughout the relationship. I mourn because the marriage is coming to an end for my faults but she has hers as well. I'm trying to live in the now to pursue the things I always wanted to.
I know she will move on and I hope that we can be cordial with one another. I'm allowed to hurt regardless if I'm the initiated it or not.It would be insane to try and have it both ways and hurtful to all. I have to worry about myself because in the end I'm no good to noone if I'm no good to myself. If I lose my lover in the process then I wasn't meant to be, time tells the tale.
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A
female
reader, aftermath +, writes (28 December 2010):
Your wife clearly has some issues too, since we've only heard your side we don't know what they are.You should consider very carefully that if you are with your "soul mate" for 10 years-she may also become disinterested in sex. And the new woman you meet will be just as exciting as your "old soul mate" once was. Rather than repeatedly "making a move" and asking for "intimacy" maybe you should cook for her like she asked. You might find her horny as hell an hour later.
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A
female
reader, aftermath +, writes (28 December 2010):
Your wife clearly has some issues too, since we've only heard your side we don't know what they are.You should consider very carefully that if you are with your "soul mate" for 10 years-she may also become disinterested in sex. And the new woman you meet will be just as exciting as your "old soul mate" once was. Rather than repeatedly "making a move" and asking for "intimacy" maybe you should cook for her like she asked. You might find her horny as hell an hour later.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2010): You say u are trying to cope with your pain, is your wife dealing/coping with hers?
Why are you so conflicted. Instead of being with your lover leave her and work out just who the hell u are. You cannot be grieving for your wife while you are with your lover. Your words then are just empty words.
What are u exactly mourning? The loss of a marriage? Your betrayal of your wife? The fact that you took on a lover while married?
Why are you not communicating with your wife just bec it is the holidays. So while separated you are still. With your lover. This is not fair at all. If you want to make sense of your life then u need to get rid of your lover. Right now u have the best of both worlds. You complain so bitterly of your wife rejecting u , this is just an excuse for you to be with your lover. You made a choice to take on a lover, your wife did not force you. You blame her so much. So why not end the marriage. You are not being fair too your wife by holding her back. After all you still continue to enjoy another woman while putting your wifes life on hold. That is just plain cruel and selfish and you know that u are wrong in doing this.
You need to fully accept the blame for cheating and u cannot blame your wife anymore you are not a child. You freely participated. And you knew what u were doing. Deep down I think you love your wife but instead of working at your marriage you took your wifes words to heart and you also did not just care anymore. We all get frustrated with our spouses, we are selfish and turn each other down for sex sometimes, does this give the other spouse carte blanch to go cheat ? No! In love you face many challenges and with the trials and tribulations you grow as a person.
You need to make a choice: wife or lover. If you choose your lover. Then end your wifes misery and divorce her quickly. If you choose your wife then cut off all ties with the lover and immediately get marital counselling sessions .
LoveGirl
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A
male
reader, mack79 +, writes (27 December 2010):
mack79 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm currently taking time for myself, trying to heal myself before I can move on with my life. I've made some mistakes recently and I own up to them with the emotional pain of losing and hurting someone, seeing dreams fade and being alone.
I wanted my wife so bad that night and weeks before the affair happened. It's sad when you have to get yourself excited to be intimate with someone because she "doesn't think about it." literally what she told me after I repeated for yrs how much it was important for any relationship to thrive. But if that’s who she is then I can't blame her anymore.
I admit, I got frustrated and it was frustration that turns to anger because she doesn't see what I see and when you're trying to keep yourself in check because of that’s how I felt loved, only for someone to throw "all you want is sex" at you all the time, then what can you do? You feel unloved, you feel incompatible, and you feel that the person you thought you knew doesn't know you at all.
In no way am I trying to "have my cake and eat it too" anymore. I admit my faults and take responsibility for my actions. What I'm trying to figure out for myself what are my hang-ups, and if it is true love, can I be completely settled with someone especially if we aren't as compatible as I had hoped. I'm not in the business of changing people, if someone lacks that passion, intimacy and drive, then that’s who they are but I’m stuck asking myself, is this what I want? Maybe I did ruin that for her as well, if so then she's been lying to me too. This isn't about sex anymore like I said in my original post.
I don't want to wake up 20 yrs into a relationship with 3 kids and realize that I don't want to be with someone. I haven’t sat down with my wife yet because of the holidays, and I'm still grieving as well. This literally feels like a death. I know I have to close one relationship before beginning a new. That was the mistake I made and I want off this rollercoaster ride because I know it’s not fair to anyone including myself. Time will tell if anything is meant to be. I want whets best for my wife in the end as well with my lover and myself.
It's easy to say let go but letting go is the hardest thing to do. I'm trying to cope with knowing that I eventually have to. I’m a passionate person, and I care a lot.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2010): Does your wife know that u left her for another woman or does she think that you two are just taking a breather from each other bec of your affair. This is a major difference.
Have u told your wife that u want to be with your lover/mistress?
Many men seem to drift into another relationship without closure with the wife. Seems like u have done this as well.
You know u cannot string both women along. You need to make a decision and stick to it. You cannot give your wife hope thinking u are getting back together while u continue to have sex with another?
When your wife responded 'there's nothing I can do ', she was right. You were going to stray no matter what she did. Were you asking her permission to have another woman? There was nothing your wife could do, u would have had your affair in any event and you did. So there was nothing your wife could do. You are not a child, you had to choose and you indeed chose a lover. Can you see what I am telling you. Why did her words surprise you? You shouldn't be surprised or alarmed as well. If u were bored in your marriage did u think your wife was not? Did she also seek attention elsewhere.
Maybe the best for you is to divorce your wife. Perhaps she is as fed up as you have been. Release your wife so that she can find a special man in her life. You have already replaced her in any event so now it is a mere formality.
Ask yourself however if your current affair gets stale and boredom replaces the lust, instead of working through the issues, would you then replace your lover as well? Will u move from relationship to relationship looking for that 'something' but not realising that it is you that is empty?
If you have made the decision to be with your lover then stick to it. No use going back and forth like a ping pong ball and hurt your wife even more.
With our choices, we need to face the consequences and sometimes we are unable to live with our choices.
LoveGirl
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A
male
reader, mack79 +, writes (26 December 2010):
mack79 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your well wishes, I've been extremly torn especially here during the holidays. I'm going through the motions of guilt, blame, fear, and resentment.Its so hard to love someone and let them go at the same time. I keep asking myself what are my hangups, will I regret this? I woke up last Monday feeling very good about my decision to move on then the following days later I felt confused again.
When I think about her possibly moving on it hurts. When I think of the other woman possibly moving on it hurts. I don't want to have it both ways, I just want peace with this because it's killing me inside and its on my mind 24/7. I'm so drained from this ordeal.
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A
male
reader, Liebes Kummer  +, writes (26 December 2010):
Well, from what you wrote, it appears your wife is either waiting for you to make the first move ie. leave or, she does not have a clue in regards to her obligations in a marriage.
Either way, you have made more than enough overtures to get her attention.
There is a saying that, 'a dog that is destined to get lost, will not listen to it's owner's whistle'.
It seems your wife is on the path to self-destuct.
Sit her down, have an honest chat with her and tell her where things stand with you guys; tell her you are leaving.
I'm sorry, but i don't expect you to get any possitive response from her. I think her mind is all made up.
You are still young, you can start a new life with the other lady; if she is the right one that is.
I wish you well.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2010): I have a friend that was in simmilar situation , he just got married too young. He also found another woman that seemed to be his soulmate and got a divorce. Now he's married for 4 years with this woman he says he is so much happier and i can say it's true.
He said that he felt in his heart that he was suppose to be with her. I guess u must make a decision more with your heart then your head
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A
male
reader, TryingMan +, writes (26 December 2010):
My friend, please read my post. You don't want to become me. I promise you this. I am considered a decent person, too, but we are human and the needs we have are the needs WE have. They are in us because of who we are as individuals. Do not condemn yourself for the things you need to feel whole and happy as a human being.
You don't have kids - this makes everything so much more simple logistically. I know it is hard to leave someone, but again, please read my post. You do NOT want to become me. And the longing for affection, the need to connect - that will not go away. Perhaps your anger issues that you point out stem from a need for affection, for intimacy - there is so much to explore. Please, my friend - consider my post. I am in agony and have a long road ahead of me that I hope will end in a knowledge that the choice I made was the right one. If i could go back, I would have left the second I realized I was in love with someone else, before my situation became more complicated because of a child. But hindsight...yeah, 20/20.
Good luck, and please let me know how things go. I hope you can find a path that leads you to true love.
TryingMan
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