A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have been in a relationship with my girlfriend for 13 years and has 4 wonderful children together,we talked and agreed that it was time to marry however since moving jobs she has changed a great deal,when ever I try to be intimate she pushes me away,could be morning,evening or night I still get the cold shoulder,went out for her birthday and her friends asked when am I going to make a honest woman of her,I said I have already set the plans ready just for her to say I don't want to marry I want my independence,we have had sex twice in about 8 months,she says it isn't me its her,but wont seek advice or counselling instead she want to go out drinking with work friends or go back to there house after work for a drink,then comes home and rather than sit and spend 30 mins with me she head straight off to bed because she is too tired yet not too tired to go out with friends or drinking with them at there house,I have tried to talk to her about it,she see's that nothing is wrong with our situation,she says its normal but if I push the issue we argue and she just tells me if I'm treating her like a kid and if don't like it leave,can anyone tell me what I'm doing wrong as I'm so lost and confused on what and why things are turning out this way,very depressed atm but all that matters to her is her independence,what can I do to sort this out?
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (16 April 2014):
 I'm not really sure how she feel she has any "independence"
with a 13 year old relationship and 4 kids, but maybe that is besides the point. And I don't see how being married will ruin her " independence". Sounds more like she just doesn't WANT the responsibilities (yet she has them already?)
Her friends have asked about you two getting married.. and ONLY then did you ask your GF? I mean did you two plan from the early days to marry some day or was marriage just never a big deal?
You talk about trying to be intimate, you mean sex right? So the two of you are not really communicating and the relationship is rocky, but you still try and get sex from her? Maybe THAT is why she is not reciprocating?
I Think you two (ask someone to watch the kids) need to have a nice sit down and talk this out. What does she want, and what do you want and is there a common goal here. TALK. Maybe, another reason she is withholding sex is because she got fed up that the idea of marriage just never happened and that you HAD to be told by others to marry her? (Just trying to be the devil's advocate here).
How often does she go out with friend? How often do YOU go out with friend? How often do you TWO spend time together (and I'm not talking sexy time here) but going for a walk, a movie, a dinner, to the museum, etc.
From what you write it almost seems like you two are room-mates more then partner, you live separate lives.
You two don't share friends either?
How about the kids? How do they figure in with her "independence" ?
A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (16 April 2014):
I don't want to worry you, but has it occurred to you that she may be cheating? A change of job bringing this on is suspect.
Even if she's not cheating I unfortunately feel like you have no option other than to take her advice. When you're with someone who isn't making you happy (or even worse they're consistently hurting you) and despite telling them how you feel they tell you "tough luck, feel free to leave" then that's really your only option.
Staying and being miserable is obviously not the smart thing to do. Its easier than leaving in the short run, but it gives you the chance to be happy again.
The kids make it more difficult, but a bad marriage isn't any better for them than it is for you.
Good luck.
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