| A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: 8 years ago I was the best man at the wedding of two good friends. Over the years we kind of lost touch until today when she called me out of the blue wishing to meet me. When we met, she told me she has been in love with me all this time and has realised that she can't continue her life the way it is. We haven't seen each other in over 5 years and she now has 3 young kids. I suspect that she is in love with an image of me that probably isn't the real me however before she got married, I was very attracted to her and we always got along well. I never said anything because she was engaged to one of my best friends. I regret that now, but she never said anything either. Now I'm not sure how to react. Deep down, I think I do still like her. I wasn't sure if I was happy or depressed to hear the news. I'm unsure about how to deal with the news, with the breakup of her marriage and her three kids. I told her that she needs to settle her things with her husband first before anything might happen however I'm kind of flustered right now. I would really appreciate your opinion.thanks
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2007): IMO, you don't love this lady, if that's what you're thinking. If you did, you would *know* it. I think the idea just strokes your ego and fuels a long-suppressed fantasy.
Or, put another way, you didn't start thinking about her romantically until she 'confessed' first, did you?
Poor woman is probably horribly confused (and having marriage problems, I assume) and you're NOT helping (which is what you agreed to do as Best Man, BTW). Be a *real* friend and tell her that that is ALL you will ever be to her. Let this one go.
Now, on the chance you *do* know you really love her (and perhaps are afraid to admit it?), THEN that's a whole different can of worms. You would need to become *completely* honest w/her about your feelings asap. Her too. Nothing held back. If you can't own up to the situation w/each other then your 'relationship' isn't what you think it is anyway. You would also need to set stringent boundaries about what you think is acceptable for this situation to avoid an affair you would later regret (i.e. getting the 'husband situation' sorted out). Brute honesty would be the *only* way to navigate this storm, I think.
Good luck either way. If you go for it, I hope she's worth it.
A
female
reader, TasteofIndia  +, writes (4 January 2007):
 I think you know what the right thing is to do here.
Would you really want to hurt your best friend like this? If you pursued a relationship which you don't even know if you really want, wouldn't the guilt kill you? This relationship would never be a good one, there's too many webs and tangles. Especially since her relationship involves 3 young children, all of whom your best friend has fathered.
Even if her relationship is coming to a close with your best friend, I personally think there is still too much here for you to lose.
I think you know what to do in your heart. There are plenty of other smart, beautiful, funny, great women in the world. Go find one of them and make them as happy as you can...
What do guys say? Dicks before chicks? ("Bros before hoes", my boyfriend corrects me. Nice. Reeeaallly nice.)
Good luck, sweetness.
xxIndia
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2007): Okay,
You were the BEST MAN! That means your close with the Groom. So buck up and be his friend.
So you wanted her. So what?
Think about the children? Would you like to be raised in a divorced family? Where their father hates they're step father?
She's an idiot. If she's loved you then why did she have the children.
My advice? Reguardless of your feelings, give her a firm NO, and if she still leaves her husband, than thats the way that is. But I think she wont if she knows that her "dream man" doesnt want her.
Plus, she doesnt even know you anymore.
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