A
male
age
30-35,
*hatOneDude
writes:Alrighty then. So, I got my gf. We've been together for 6 months... And off the bat I'm probably gonna get a lot of "High School Relationship" stuff. Well, it's been good until a few days ago. I was talking to her and I always KNEW she didn't trust me. I just sat back and was honest and understanding (I think) and hoped I'd earn it.Well, a few days ago I asked her why she didn't trust me. She explained that everyone that she's let in has crushed her and she refuses to go through with it again. She outright said that she will NEVER trust me. I've lied to her 4 times since we've been together (yes I've been counting...) and add 2 to that before we were going out. They were all quite minor and I told her when I lied... She says she cares and I'm pretty sure she does. She acts like it.Could I get some trust building help? Any way to make her believe I'm trustable. I'm willing to wait as long as possible to be honest...
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (12 September 2008):
 Sorry to hear that she broke up with you for no reason. I think that it's probably for the best. I fear she was messing with your mind and your emotions anyway, so it wasn't terribly healthy of a relationship. You'll find another girl who is willing to take a risk on love, I'm sure. Just be honest and act with integrity and you'll be just fine.
Good luck.
A
male
reader, ThatOneDude +, writes (12 September 2008):
ThatOneDude is verified as being by the original poster of the questionShe broke up with me today... No reason why... This morning I gave her a flower. She didn't exactly accept it... I asked her if everything was okay between us and she said yeah.
At the end of the day she broke up with me and I think her parents were involved with it... =/
Just an update... Thanks you guys and gals...
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (11 September 2008):
Well, she may not be an obvious drama queen, but to me, the laid-back attitude doesn't sound like someone who is so guarded about her personal space.
Just be careful and don't let her hurt you. Some people remain elusive for their entire lives, and it can be very difficult for those who love them. They stay just out of reach, and for no reason that anyone can comprehend.
And the make up thing, lol, I was just giving a rather silly example, so just ignore it. I can be a drama queen myself, but at least I know when I'm doing it.
So gaining her trust is virtually impossible, and may be a lifelong task for somebody. Just be honest, treat her with integrity, as it sounds like you have been doing, and remind her than communication in a relationship is a two-way street.
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A
male
reader, ThatOneDude +, writes (11 September 2008):
ThatOneDude is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI don't know if she's a drama queen... I mean, she's different than regular girls. And I'm not just saying that because she's my gf... lol. She's litterally different. Like... You can't get her to go make-up shopping lol. She doesn't even wear make-up... She's really laid back.
And, I wouldn't even believe her saying she'll NEVER trust me if she didn't not trust everybody else. Her parents, ciblings, friends, best friends... She doesn't let anyone in.
My question is, "How can you like someone more than anyone else, but still not treat them as if they're in that position." Well... My question was how to get her trust... And it still is, but that's another valid question in this perdiciment... =/
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (11 September 2008):
I just read your follow-up, sorry I didn't know what you were lying about.
Okay, watch her. She's a drama queen.
Honesty and trust is a two-way street. Remember that you deserve to be treated well too.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (11 September 2008):
Right, my conjecture on this. Your girlfriend probably figured out that you had lied about something; you probably gave off some non-verbal clues that she picked up on. She may not even be aware of it, but she somehow knew that you weren't being straight with her.
There's a big difference between lying about telling her that she doesn't look fat in those jeans and lying about having been intimate with another girl. There's a kind of continuum of how 'bad' the lie is.
I'm not one of those people that believe you have to tell someone you're dating EVERYTHING that goes on in your head or in your life. But there are certain ground rules. You don't kiss/hold hands with/mess with other girls when you're an official couple. You don't flirt with intent with other people, by that I mean you can talk with someone and joke around but you can't create or leave any expectation that you're actually serious about it.
So I hate to say this, but what you lied about may be very important to her.
The thing that you need to do with her, I think, is to make sure you're clear that you will not lie about certain things. And then don't do it. If you can't commit to this, don't make the promise. Does that make sense?
And I know that you're going to hate to hear this, but yes, it is a high school relationship and you both have lots of maturing still to do.
The good news for me is that you care enough about her to even research this question and find a way to work this out with her. So well done you.
Now that she knows you've lied, she's going to be suspicious of you for a while. That's the bad news. The good news is that if you can figure out a way to lighten up the mood with a good sense of humor about it, you'll win her trust. Eventually. It's tricky, but if you can find a way to roll your eyes at her and make her laugh or share a code word that lets her know you're telling the honest truth, you may be just fine.
One thing I want to warn you about. Don't get sucked in by a drama queen. Making a statement like 'I'll NEVER trust you' doesn't sound like a particularly healthy attitude to me, so don't let her put you through the wringer for no good reason. (Sorry to the sisterhood, but this one sounds like he's got potential.)
Be yourself, don't lie about the big stuff, tell her she's your favorite girl EVER and that those jeans do NOT make her look fat, and you do like spending time picking out nail polish at the mall with her, and you'll be fine. If she doesn't come around, she needs more help that you might want to give her.
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, ThatOneDude +, writes (11 September 2008):
ThatOneDude is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell... Let me rephrase... When I said lie... It was something like...
Her: "Hey, what're you thinking about?"
Me: "Nothing..."
That was the first meaningful conversation we had... lol. Seems kinda funny... But, yeah. Those are the lies I've told. One was about how I got her a penguin for a present, but instead I really got her a penguin necklace... If that clears things up...
Another kinda... Mentionable thing. Actually... I shoul have said this earlier. She's really dodgey when it comes to serious questions. She avoids them at all costs. It took me a long time to even ask her if she'll ever trust me...
Thanks a lot btw.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2008): well first of all you can't lie to her.. how do you expect to earn trust by lying to her? i mean even if you tell her you lied, you STILL lied. you have to earn her trust and give her a reason to actually trust you. tell her that you won't ever hurt her and how much you care about her. i know it sucks not having trust from your girlfriend but just wait it out and it'll all be fine. good luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2008): well all I can do is comend you most guys would say that. If you cant trust me i cant trust you and im done so good job for saying your willing to stick with her if she dont see what she has got her loss. give her time let her no your ther for her but explain that if you want to continue what we have i need to know that slowly but shurly i will earn your trust if not we can have nothing no matter what the outcome you will know if she trullly cares!!
GOOD LUCK
Need anything else just ask!!
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