A
male
age
41-50,
*r Zprime
writes:Well, It's been 11 days since our first anniversary. Last week, my wife had pledged to me that she would halt any communications with her ex completely becuase (1) She made a new profile and page and he found her again and (2) She discovered that even when they were "dating", he was/is a married man. She told me that she would completely delete herself from the page. She did....Low and behold, one week later she's right back at it again with a new profile AGAIN. I had caught wind of her convo woth her ex. I had gotten something twisted I will admit... I initially thought she was going to have sex with him but they had no condoms (This happened before I came along). I mistakenly called her out on that and I acknowledged that I did. Now she's once again meetimg GUYS online telling them that she "needs someone to talk to". Her "talking to guys" online is what caused this WHOLE drama in the first place. Innocent convo is one thing but telling our business and telling her ex that she didn't wanna be married anymore was going WAY TOO FAR I think. I am not innocent by any means. When we talked about it, she would constantly interupt me, cut me off and yell. I repeatedly and calmly asked her to stop. She refused to let me get any more than 3 words out at a time. I lost it and restrained her (I DID NOT HIT HER AT ALL, JUST RESTRAINED) because she was getting all up in my face. For all I know, she's probably telling her girlriends her side like she always does. Funny thing is when they hear my side (which has happened twice) they always look at her like she lost her mind. I want to work it out without counseling, but I don't know what to do because no matter what I say, she will not hear me out (not without me restraining her anyway) without yelling and interrupting.
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female
reader, JuJuBeans +, writes (11 April 2009):
Wow, I really feel for you.I think the fact that she continues to post online profiles (despite promises to stop) means that she'll continue to do so without some sort of intervention.You should give her an ultimatum -- attend marriage counseling or you'll leave her. I think this will at least get her in to counseling because she's clearly very insecure (otherwise she wouldn't need the constant online assurance, and would not continue to be involved with a married man.)The worst time to discuss something important is when you're both angry. Next time, wait until you're both calm before you start the discussion. Tell her that you feel like you were not able to express your feelings last time you discussed the matter, and that you want to try something new.Take a plastic flower or the remote, or some other object and call it the "talking stick." The rule is, each person can only talk when they have the stick. So, when she's holding the stick, she talks, you listen without saying anything. When you have the stick, you talk, and she must remain quiet.A lot of therapists and preschool teachers use this tool to foster communication.Good luck!
A
female
reader, DrPsych  +, writes (11 April 2009):
 I don't think you need a relationship counsellor as such, it sounds like you are a very patient man! I think your wife has some significant psychological issues that make her a candidate for therapy. It sounds like she has some kind of internet addiction and probably derives some unhealthy sense of comfort from the attention she gets from men online. We all know that the murky world of internet dating is full of sleezy people looking for a cheap thrill. She maybe bored with the marriage - many people go through stages of fatigue - but I think you are being emotionally abused by her actions and the trust has just gone. She doesn't want you to speak to her as she isn't ready to see anyone else's perspective...a bit like drug users not ready to admit addiction sort of thing. Anyway I would issue her an ultimatum of therapy or I am leaving, and take the plug off that computer in the meantime...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2009): hmmm..To be honest if my wife was doing that, i would be out the door. Whether she is cheating in "real-life" or on-line its all cheating at the end of the day. Its emotional cheating. If she cant even sit down and talk to you about it like an adult then I wouldn't even want to be with her. Sounds like she is acting like a teenager. Or does she get up in your face because you go in accusing all guns blazing and getting up in her face? Just be calm, sit her down and talk to her and tell her how much her talking to her ex bothers you.. if she respects you enough she'll stop, if not, leave. It will be very hard, but are you happy now?Hope that helps.
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A
female
reader, amsroks  +, writes (11 April 2009):
New profile page? on what? facebook?
I think if she's trying to find a guy to talk to its because the two of you are not talking and when you do you just fight. Perhaps try and sit her down and talk rationally. Also, you should bring her somewhere fun for a day. Sounds like you have forgotten what it's like to be part of a loving couple, she wants excitement!
I hope I was help :)
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