A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:so my girlfriend left me a handful of months ago for another guy and devistated me. i tried my best to move on.well she got back into contact with me when she asked one night if i wanted to come over and visit with her son who was asking about me. she started sobbing and told me she missed me, and after that, we slowly started talking again. feelings are still there for both of us. they never fully went away, even though she's with another guy and they're living together now already. she's told me she's really happy with this other guy and he does all the things that she needed from me all along but could never give, which was why she left me in the first place. and i know she's happy with him. i can actually tell she's much more fulfilled with him than she was when she was with me. not because i didn't care or try, but because we are just very different people. but we both just can't seem to let go. i was seeing another girl for a while who was good to me, too, and gave me all the things i need and expect, much like the guy she's with, but for some reason, i still loved my ex. we go back and forth with trying to move on, and then just come right back. my heart just won't let me let her go. and honestly, despite her being happy, she can't let go of me either. we'll go days without talking, and it hurts more than anything. and she calls me or texts me saying it hurts her too much, too. but she won't leave him because she gets her emotional needs met with him and never got them met with me, despite loving me. she's scared of being unhappy with me again. and i'm so torn up, and i know she is too because she's really confused. she's not a bad person. it's just a shitty situation.i don't know how to handle this situation. i wish i could just walk away but i can't. any advice would be appreciated.
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female
reader, Jen1689 +, writes (17 October 2011):
 You're not able to move on because you're not allowing yourself to. She began living with another guy soon after leaving you, the guy that she LEFT you for! You said that you've dated another girl who treats you like you would expect, but that you didn't move on from your ex. Of course you didn't, and of course you haven't, you obviously don't want to.Also, the fact that you've gotten back in contact with her after she did that to you is beyond me. She's manipulating you because she knows you haven't let her go. Things probably aren't as rosy as she was picturing, and she's looking for a way out without having to be alone with her child. Why not go back to you?If you cut all contact with her and GENUINELY tried to move on, I guarantee you would. If you don't, one of two things will happen: 1) You two will continue to see each other occasionally in secret, until one day she'll say that she can't go back to what it was, and she'll stop talking to you to stay with him; 2) She'll leave him and you two will get back together only to run into the same problems that you had before and will fall apart again. As you said in your title, an ex is an ex for a reason. I don't agree with couples who break up for valid reasons but then don't know how to be alone or are afraid of what they'll find otherwise, so they cling on to familiarity and comfort. It keeps people from moving forward and finding something better.Cut all contact with her. Make an honest effort to move on. Maybe don't date instantly. Take some time for yourself. Find yourself again outside of trying to prove yourself in the context of a relationship. You're strong enough without her, I assure you. Good luck.
A
female
reader, chickpea2011 +, writes (17 October 2011):
 Hi,
I know it hurts to be in this situation. I also know you don't choose who to love? I guess this is what people say, when love is not enough?
As much as you live your ex-girlfriend, and I guess she feels the same about you, you have to accept the fact that she's living with another man. She's in a serious relationship, and it's best to just do not be in touch with her anymore, or at least, until you heal, and stop loving her... I don't think you are ready to be her friend, yet.
By continue to communicate with her, seeing her occasionally, won't help you get over her. You both know that the relationship end for a reason, and know for sure that you cannot be together.
Sorry that you are in pain, and that unfortunately you found the right woman, but I guess she's not right for you? I hope you can find peace, have a fast recovery, feel better soon. I hope you can take some time away, make the right decision, and what's best for you. I think you should think about your future, and start taking care of yourself.
Hope this helps, hope you find peace!
Best wishes, good luck
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A
female
reader, noonespecial5612 +, writes (17 October 2011):
I find it odd that you say that didn't give her what she needs emotionally and not because you "didn't care or try" but because you're different people.
I think that's an excuse. I think you could give her those things, but you didn't care or try or only half-assed it, that's why she was unhappy. And sure, you love her, but you weren't willing to give her what she needed, which in turn caused her to not give you what you needed.
I think a lot of men do this. They just expect their woman to deal with getting the scraps, so they get what they want. Doesn't mean they don't love them, just that they don't want to put forth the effort it takes to take care of a woman. I think some women do this too, don't get me wrong.
Why do you think divorce is so high? People only care about themselves.
And she's not happy. Because if she was, then the feelings wouldn't be there. You're both broken people... broken by each other.
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