A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My partner and I are in a bit of a pickle and don’t know what to do. My girlfriend and I live with our mutual best friend, who we will call Jenny, and I just want to begin by saying that everything in that respect is fine. We all get along really well, and spend equal amounts of time alone, together as a couple, and with each other as friends. We love living with our best friend and everything there is fine. The problem is one of the mates belonging to our friend, who we shall call Stephanie.Stephanie is Jenny’s oldest friend and as such they have one of those friendships that although they disagree on certain things, will always inevitably make up and remain good friends. They went to school and university together and their families are friends as well. Stephanie comes round to our house a lot – which again we don’t mind. We get on with her too, however, in the last couple of months, Stephanie’s behaviour whilst in our home has become unbearable. To say she is a slob is putting it lightly and it has gone from bad to worse.When Stephanie comes around, without asking, she frequently orders take away. She never clears it up. It is always left to clutter our living room. Also without asking, she takes food from our fridge and eats it. Again, doesn’t do the dishes. When she arrives, she plonks herself on our sofas and just turns on the tv. No regard for the fact one of us may be reading or working in the living room. She takes cushions of our sofas and spreads them on the floor so she can lie on them, and yes, you guessed it, just leaves them all over the floor. Both Jenny and my partner and I have tried having friendly words, insisting she is always welcome in our house, but could she tidy up after herself and remember we live here. But it doesn’t seem to have worked. Things were getting particularly bad about a month ago and we were going to have more serious words, but then Stephanie’s Dad became really ill and she was obviously going through a bad time so we decided to leave it. However, her Dad is now better and recently in the last couple of weeks, her behaviour has just escalated beyond bearable to the point we want to do something asap.Stephanie is an art student and as a favour asked if she could do some of her work in our front room. We said yes as she was behind on her coursework due to the upset with her Dad. However, within days of her beginning, she’d spilt paint on the floor (cream carpets btw...), left wood splinters everywhere (which on more than one occasion got in my foot), and generally made a mess. She said she’d tidy up before she went. She’s gone. She never tidied up. Today we went in search of what we thought was something dead due to a strong smell in the house. We thought a mouse had died. What we discovered was that Stephanie had been having take away and other foods and just leaving their remains wherever they fell. They were moldy covered in flies and smelt disgusting. I am beyond pissed off that someone could be so disrespectful to someone else’s house.We’ve all (Jenny included) tried to bring this up with Stephanie today (before we found the food...) but she just laughs and says sorry. It’s now beyond a joke and the issue with the food really pissed me off. One of the sell by dates was a month ago, so God knows how long that means it’s been there for. My partner and I have just had enough of her staining our carpets, wrecking our home, being lazy, leaving food everywhere and generally being a rude and unbearably slobbish person. How can we raise this with Jenny to make her see we’re past the friendly warnings? It’s getting to the point that although we class Stephanie as a friend through Jenny, it affecting the way we view her. I find myself hating it when she comes around because now all I think of when I see her is this lazy, slob of a person with no respect for other peoples homes. We know Jenny is upset by it too, but she feels in a difficult position because short of telling Stephanie to stay our of our house, what can she do? She is her oldest friend.Please help. We all just want our house back. This may sound petty but please try and put yourself in our shoes. We’re constantly clearing up her mess and now have a stained carpet to deal with in a rented property. The issue with the food is just insane as well because we had mice a while back and Stephanie knows this. It's the mess, but also the fact she is showing no respect for us or Jenny! Its OUR house. Stephanie lives with her parents and I think shes still in the mentality that magical pixies do the clearing up, when obviously most people after about 21 realise that in actual fact its you who does the cleaning. She doesnt seem to realise its OUR house and she's turning it in to a pig sty. Help.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2011): Hey. I'm the OP. Thanks for your advice guys and in reply to tennisstar88, yes we all split the rent 3 ways. Part of me feels bad basically burning bridges with soneone over something as silly as they wont clean up but its just insane. Everyone makes a bit of mess now and again buy the girl leaves moldy pizzas in our house for a month and doesnt tell anyone when she knows we've had mice. I was brought up to respect other peoples homes and always offer to help with dishes, or at very least tidy up after myself if I'm visiting. It's so beyond me how anyone can behave like this and expect people to be ok with it.
In reply to Denise32, I think you're right about it not being a massive loss. The only issue is I doubt Jenny woudl cut ties with her altogether - they go too far back. It's not just the messiness, its the way she doesnt seem to inhabit the real world. All she ever talks about is how her and her student friends got drunk and partied and how she cant be arsed working. Maybe if she could be arsed working shed have some money to move out of her mums house and get her own places and then finally realised pixies don't do the clearing up.
Thanks everyone. Think I just needed reassurance that I'm not over reacting to this.
A
female
reader, Denise32  +, writes (6 June 2011):
 Next time she comes to the house, don't let her in! That's my first thought.
However, before it gets to that point, either you or Jenny -preferably you, but let Jenny know you're going to - phone Stephanie and tell her outright that she is no longer welcome in your home because of her sloppy, messy habits. If she wants to get together with you socially, meet her out somewhere (she might be so teed off to hear she can't visit you any more that she might very well not even WANT to socialize with you - would that REALLY be such a dreadful loss?)
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (6 June 2011):
 Just a few questions, you and your partner are living with Jenny and assuming you all split the rent 3 ways? Now if you don't pay rent and are just temporarily staying there then you don't have much of a case. However if you do indeed split the rent 3 ways then you have every right to complain about Stephanie to Jenny.
At this point there's no being nice about it anymore. It's gotten to the point of where you have pests, and potential health issues within your home. I would tell Jenny if she doesn't seriously talk to Stephanie about cleaning up after herself then you will have to have a word about it with her..and your patience is wearing thin. If Stephanie can't clean up after herself then she is no longer welcome in your home. I'd also make her pay to replace the carpet in the living room.
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