A
male
age
41-50,
*spartame90
writes:Hello;I've asked a few other questions, so I don't want to overload the board, but I figured I'd try one more.I have been with my girlfriend for 6+ years, engaged for 2+ of those years. I don't believe we will ever have a wedding -- after I proposed, I took some steps to try to get us married, but my fiancee got too freaked out by the "enormity" of it, didn't participate, didn't want to go on a budget, and so the whole thing kind of fell apart.In June, she revealed to me that, over the course of our relationship, she'd amassed $70,000 in debt. I freaked out. I just couldn't see past it, and it seriously screwed up our relationship -- fighting all the time, you name it.By September it had gotten so bad that she decided to move out. But now I am plagued by guilt: shouldn't I just be a grown-up about this and just say, "honey, it's fine, we can fix it?" I've tried to have us move back in together a few times, but every time I do, I panic -- that's just so much money, I don't know what we're going to do. She's been to a financial planner, but has rejected his advice in favor of paying it back herself.All of her friends -- people I thought were our mutual friends -- are angry at me. They think I'm being immature by not helping her, or by not saying "we can handle this." But I'm scared - I don't know what to do any more.Please tell me if I'm acting immaturely by being unsure about our future -- I can accept it from a neutral party. I am just having a hard time reconciling knowing that it's going to mean giving up the next 4+ years of my life until she fixes herself financially. I feel like I need to make a decision -- she's been out since mid-september, and we're already in december -- but I still feel so scared and hurt.
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male
reader, aspartame90 +, writes (1 December 2008):
aspartame90 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for these responses! They were very helpful. I guess I get hung up/guilty because it feels like I'm trying to run off and find a new girl with less debt/baggage because that's "easier," rather than trying to stay and fix this problem. I just can't figure out if I am, at this point, obligated to stay. It's been over 6 years -- I don't know what I "owe" her, and it's eating me up inside.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2008):
You are perfectly entitled to react the way you did. Debt is a relationship killer, in the same way infidelity is. I think though, if you had decided that this problem was too much to handle, you should have ended the relationship and not keep trying to make it work when it is obviously too much of an issue for you.
That is why your friends are angry at you, you are inflicting a lot of pain on both of yourselves so I can see why they have ended up putting blame on to you, even though you don't really deserve it and it is just making matters worse.
You either decide that her financial baggage is way too much for you to handle, or you decide to become her husband and help her in whatever way you can to tackle the debt.
You can't have both, like you say, you need to be strong and make a decision - and stick to it.
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A
female
reader, katatonik +, writes (30 November 2008):
 When it comes down to it...if the two of you aren't married and she racked up the debt by herself, buying things for herself, technically it is her responsibility and, if you will, "her problem." Yes, you have a right to be concerned by this. Absolutely. And I'd say "how concerned" depends on how she spent the money--i.e. student loans vs., say, jewelry purchases or a boob job. Try to give her a little leeway if the expenses were necessary rather than frivolous; at least she wasn't coming to you expecting money all the time.
That said, you DO have a right to be freaked about this, at least to a degree. Not only does she evidently have some issues with money management, this is something she seems to have deliberately concealed from you until recently. Trust once broken is hard to rebuild, and whether or not you want to go forward with a relationship after this is something only you can decide.
Doesn't, however, mean that she/her friends/your friends won't look at you as completely shallow if you find this new knowledge about her to be a deal breaker. Be prepared for this, if that's what you decide. Good luck =]
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