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male
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anonymous
writes: Relationship material - yes or no?I am male, 52, and some while ago i split up with my wife after 30 years together and since then i have been very wary of geting involved with another female in a relationship...recently tho i have met a very nice and attractive 50 year old single female who seems ideal for me in that we both have grown up children and jobs and the same attitude to life....well, so far we have had 4 dates and a pattern is emerging..each time..i collect her from her house and we go out for a drink and a chat...i drive...on each occasion, she has got drunk by the end of the evening, not in a nasty way but a happy drunk. We go back to her house and i have to make the coffee cos she isnt capable and we chat till she sobers up...on one occasion we even had to go late night shopping on way home to get some essentials...On date 4, as we walked bak into her home, she decided to tell her eldest son, who was in the house celebrating his 21st birthday, that i was to be his new father, a comment which surprised me a little but having said that she had mentioned the marriage word a few times during the evening...i am not experienced at dating but i think this behaviour appears slightly unusual, and i would like advice as to how to proceed..is she rushing me after only 4 dates, should i be worried that she cant go out without getting drunk, and is she a fit mother and should i persevere with her?your advice would be appreciated..should i continue with her or should i call it a day? date or ditch?david
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (18 March 2006):
 My feeling is the the first few dates should be when you're on your 'best behaviour' and trying to make a good impression, because, as we all know, we dress up nice and take extra care at first, before we tend to relax a bit as months and years roll by.
So what bothers me about your letter is that she's getting incoherent and non-functionally drunk this early in your relationship. She seems happy to have you look after her, but are you willing to continue being her minder? Because I don't see this pattern changing. If she's relying on you to "make the coffee" at a time when normally people are still hiding their dirty dishes and pretended not to fart, then it suggests there are a lot of bad habits she has yet to expose.
It's nice that she feels comfortable enough with you to imagine that you might have something longterm, but the early signs are that this woman has deeper problems, and alcohol abuse might just be the tip of the iceberg.
If I were you, I'd keep things light and at arm's length if you decide to continue to see her. Plainly, there are cues for you that something's not quite right, if you feel uneasy enough about it to post on a forum such as this one. There are times when it's good to listen to that little voice in the back of your mind, and I think this is one of those times.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2006): Nah, I think you should talk to her about it. Why are you getting the "no or go" from strangers, when the 'problem' is in front of you. You're a grown man, and I'm sure you can handle taking the issue up with her as well as your worry here.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2006): ditch. this is weird, particularly the drinking thing. it'd be normal for her to want to feel out your views on marriage generally fairly early in a relationship, b/c if that's something she's looking for eventually, she probably wants to screen people who aren't. but saying something like that to her kid is wildly inappropriate - even at 21, kids shouldn't be brought into their parents' dating lives unnecessarily
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