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male
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*ochise
writes: Hello all, as you can tell by my posts I am new to this board. I came across it while surfing trying to find some advice. Anyways, I thought I would post here. I see there is a lot of posts here in regards to accepting a girlfriend's past, but I am having difficulty doing it and wanted to give a rundown of my situation to see if anyone here has advice or comments.So here it goes.I am 36 years old. I was married quite young (20). I was basically happy throughout my marriage, until a few years back and we ended up separating. I have been single for about 4 years now and started dating a girl about 8 months ago. She is a fantastic girl, lots of fun to be around and our sex life is beyond amazing. But...I always knew we were raised differently. I mean I am from a small town and have lived there most of my life. She is from a very big city and has only moved here 9 years ago. I knew from stories she has told me that she definitely lead a different lifestyle than I did, out clubbing every weekend and stuff like that. Anyways we had the inevitable 'past relationship' talk. She is 40 years old and has never had a real serious relationship, always out partying with friends when she was in her mid to late 20’s. She used to be in the whole club scene and for a year or so got into doing ecstasy among other things, practically every other weekend.Anyways she finally told me that she had slept with 20-25 guys maximum (which I do believe her when she tells me). The number I can kind of deal with, but my problem is the fact that most were within a 2 year period or so and all mostly one night (or one weekend) stands with guys she met while out with friends. She ended up in a semi-serious relationship when she was about 29 and became pregnant. After she had her baby, 9 years ago, she completely changed her life and just lives for her daughter and is a fantastic mother. Since her daughter was born she pretty much gave up dating and has not done any type of drugs for over 10 years now. Over the past 10 years she has only dated 3 other guys before me, two were just blind date set ups which didn’t work out and she never slept with them, and one which she did start to see and slept with. That relationship was off and on for about a year or so and ended about 3 months before she met me.I know her past shouldn’t bother me, but it is driving me insane. She is almost 40 and has been with 20-25 guys in her life. I have been only the second guy she has slept with within the past 10 years, but yet her past is always on my mind. Whenever we are out and I have had a few drinks I start thinking about what she might be doing if I wasn’t there , "would she try to pick up that guy", "would she go home with that guy?", "she is staring at that guy". All this stupid stuff.I have talked to her about it and she knows it bother me a lot, but she just keeps telling me "it was just sex. I have never felt what I feel now with you".Am I nuts, should I just accept it and move on? I am not naïve, I am not looking for or expecting to meet a virgin or anything at my age. I would fully expect that at 39 she would have been with 10, 15, or even 20 guys. But what bothers me is the fact that 80% of the guys she slept with were one night (or one weekend) stands all within a 2 year period.I keep thinking while she was out having fun, not even thinking about the future I was married, went to school, got a good job. Now I am the one taking care of a girl that some guys look at as a club slvt.I should point out, that including her I have slept with 6 women. But remember that I was married when I was 20 and with one woman for over 13 years in total.She is a great girl and I don’t want to lose her, but I know if I don’t come to grips with this and get over it I will lose her.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2006): I don't think you're nuts. And everyone saying "well she's probably not proud of it now" sounds so patently false. It's easy to do something and then later when soemone calls you on it for you to say "well im not so proud of it". This lax mentality has even become something people can rely on as comfort.Be real with yourself man! Do you think that she really regrets any of her past?To me if you think something is wrong or inappropriate you don't do it. Period. Action is truly the only measure. Look at the evidence. If she had a one night stand and didn't enjoy it or think that there was nothing wrong with it then why would she go back and do it again. And again. And again....Seems to me like she had no problems with what she was doing and as hard as it might be to take you probably have to accept the fact that she really enjoyed what she was doing and will NEVER see it as being a problem in the same way you do because you have different core values.Of course she'll say she regrets it now, because its stopping her from getting something she wants now - namely you. But if you think she'd regret any of what she did if she didn't have a kid and you in the picture you'd be wrong. Maybe her perspective has changed and she thinks differently of how she carried herself then, but like i said, you'll never know for real what's what outside of the actions which speak for themselves.I had a girl and was in a similar situation and I learned that if I wanted to keep her I would have to accept the fact she'd never really feel the way I did about her past and she'd never really regret it the way I'd want her to. If she did, she just wouldn't have done it in the first place.
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reader, mommyofthree +, writes (13 January 2006):
 Look, when she did these things you did not even know her, it is not right for you to judge her now for what she did on her past. You said yourself that she totally changed her life after her daughter, that should show you what a strong and respectable person she is. In a flash she quit everything she did and devoted herself to her child and I bet if you gave her the chance she would give your relationship all of that kind of devotion. You have to respect the fact she was totally honest with you about parts of her life that she is probably not proud of, that too says a lot about her character. Drop all of these bad thoughts your having about her past and work on moving toward a great future with her. Good luck.
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