A
male
age
41-50,
*lanked
writes:Ok, I was 21 she was 17, everything was happy.Fast foward 4 years and some and now I'm 25 and she's 21 we've been living together for 2 years and she's just perfect for me. I tell her I want to get engaged just a week or two after her 21st birthday but she tells me she needs time to be 21 first and goto party and clubs and such before we can get married. So "we take time apart" and she goes to say at her mothers, but after just 4 days I beg her back. Everything seems fine, we goto the beach on vacation, and when we get back she wants her time apart again, and I agree but we still call and TXT each other everyday for a week at which point she decides she's ready to come back. But only for a night. The next day she says it was too soon and she didn't get to do all the things she wanted todo before getting married and packs her stuff and leaves again for what is now the 3rd time in about 6 weeks!This time I tell her we shouldn't stay in touch because it just makes it harder and she agrees, and now we're 2 days into this 3rd "time apart" and I'm going crazy, I'm so confused, and I just want her here snuggled up against me, but I don't know what to do, please help...
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female
reader, petitemeanthing +, writes (30 August 2009):
I was this girl we have to use this time to make sure we can live life w out a man nd explore our needs just like guys do..its hard nd believe me its hard for us to.. We r scared to not be the perfect wife especially to the ones who we love the most.this probely don't make Sence but she needs not come back until she's ready this will take her to decide what she wants It sucks I knw nd we r not right for her to be back nd forth just set her free she will be back.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2008): Dude...DONT CALL, DONT TEXT, DONT WRITE, DONT BEG, DONT DO ANYTHING FOR HER AT THE MOMENT. Go out, do your thing, do what she is doing...hell your still young enough, and have better time. Dont sit at home all depressed and whatnot, take the time and use it wisely for yourself. When she decides to come back she'll come back, the more you force it or suggest it the more she will resist.
Do your thing brother, your only young once
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2008): sorry to bust your bubble but what is the last thing on her list to do mabe its fucking another guy and mabe she will get pregnant have you consided this? my bf is 22 and i am 17 and i would never dream of doing that to him if i wana party i go with him not alone she is most likly cheating on you
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (20 June 2008):
 Lets switch sexes and see how the women responding would react then.
"Hi, I am getting married to this guy next year but he says he wants to spend that year sleeping around with other women and having fun just so he can see what it is like, should I stay home and wait for him while he sows his wild oats?"
or "Hi, my husband to be is organising a bachelor party and there will be hookers there and he plans to have sex with them just to get it out of his system, is this okay?"
Because that is what she is saying. She wants to sleep around, have other guys while keeping you on a leash for the future. Do you want to be her safety net/doormat?
I would give her space, all the space she needs FOREVER! Dump people like this no matter what gender you and they are, these people just want to have their cake and eat it too.
If you wait for her it will tear your heart out. Maybe you are strong enough to take that but why bother, somewhere there is a woman who is right for you and who wants to party ONLY when you are there with her and whose reaction to a marriage proposal won't be "but I want to meet other people".
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A
female
reader, duskyrowe  +, writes (19 June 2008):
 I think she wants to test the waters before she settles down with you, but the more pressure you put upon her the more you will drive her away. Go and party with your own buddies without her and vise versa.
There is no hurry, just go with the flow and see what happens. I was married at 20 and had two kids by the time I was 22, now I am divorced and I wish I had waited before making such a HUGE COMMITMENT. You are both entitled to socialise with your friends without each other.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2008): I agree with everybody, you have to give her space, let her do her thing.
However, you do not have to sit around and wait for her;
get out, go and meet people
Sitting alone waiting for her is not good or healthy for you; also you don't know if she will come back or when; she might meet somebody else.
Get out, go and have fun; live life;
You might even meet somebody else;
Take this time apart to also enjoy yourself;
I belileve if you are meant to be togehter, if your love for each other is mutually strong, you will get back together, BUT if not, rahter you discover it now, before getting married and ending in a divorce in a few years.
Good luck, go get out, go party!
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A
female
reader, lexilou +, writes (19 June 2008):
 You have to let her do this, she is obviously not ready to settle down. It may be that she will have her year of partying and never return but if you are willing to wait for her then that is your choice. Or she may come back to you in a few months as she realises she is ready and doesnt want to be without you.
Only time will tell im afraid and you have to decide if you can live your life like this or if you should move on and end it now. I wish you luck x
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A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (19 June 2008):
 Hi mate,
first off you cant let her dictate some sort of time limit for you, you have a right to lead your own life. But in a sense this shows how unready she is to settle down doesnt it?
I feel very sorry for you, but you need to cut contact otherwise you will go insane, she sounds like a girl who is starting to get very confused with what she wants in her life, by being her first love she may just keep coming back to you because she knows you will put up with her, but this is just counterproductive it will achive nothing but make you more upset.
We should use this post as an example to all these teenagers who write in asking why its wrong to get married so young.
All the best buddy, you've got your whole life ahead of you , don't fret and be strong. You will meet someone else.
But whatever you do don't accept this rediculous proposition that she still wants to get married. She is just feeling guilty but I guarantee you if you wait you will find she is just not quite ready after another year.
Don't do this to yourself, move on.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Honeygirl  +, writes (19 June 2008):
 Why dont you suggest putting off the engagement until she has 'sown her wild oats'? She obviously feels that by committing to marriage that all the fun will stop! It might be an idea to see a relationship counsellor to iron out any possible problems. What I dont understand is why she wants to party and go to clubs without you....
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2008): Coming from the exact position she is in now, my best advice is to let her do her thing. The last thing you want is to force her into something that she isnt ready for. I was only 20 when i got married, and when i turned 21, i went crazy. I completely abandoned my husband and wanted to party, feel what it was like to be 21.
It doesnt sound to me like she wants time apart to find other people, just to party and know that the wedding ring or the engagment ring isnt going to effect her ability to party.
She sounds almost exactly like me. Im 22 now and completely over the whole party atmosphere, i was over it before i even turned 22. Just give her what she is asking for, i wouldnt say completely shut off communication, but dont make the conversations that you do have all about what is going on. Take this time to work on your friendship. Even though it is agonizing, forcing someone to do something out of guilt, e.g. begging her to come back, isnt going to make it happen any sooner. If anything, it will prolong it.
Just take everyday one day at a time. give her space and she will come around, i promise. If the love is really there, then dont be in a rush. It will still be there when she realizes that being 21 isnt all its cracked up to be :)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2008): First off, calm down a little.
Second, why would she want to leave you and party without you? i dont know about her but i love when my boyfriend is with me when i go to a party.
why dont you suggest one night that you guys go ut together? party together, go dancing. if she doesnt like that then wait till she gets it out of her system, she will come back.
But i know, what if it takes to long for her to get it out of her system? you are just going to have to be pateint and if it helps do something with your guy friends. go out with them. let her do her thing and you do yours.
Hope everthing works out. Good luck!!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2008): Hmmmm, sounds like to me that you like being physically close to this woman, but this is not the relationship she is willig to take with you. It sounds to me that peope need to be engaged rather than just productintg glance at me.
Thank you for your consideration.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2008): I think it's her way of saying she's not ready to get married.21 is a young age to decide to commit to someone
for the rest of your life.There's nothing wrong with wanting your time before a marriage,because it's not just
you and you have so many responsibilities(saying this to
everyone)once you get married.I think you should just give her some time.Don't break up with her,but secretly keep
count of how many times she needs to be alone.You decide
how many is too many if she keeps doing it.And tell her,
(your choice or not),that you think that you two should
wait a while before you get married.
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A
male
reader, Flanked +, writes (19 June 2008):
Flanked is verified as being by the original poster of the questionForgot to mention she says she DOES want to get married within a year, but just has to do this first...
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