A
male
age
36-40,
*anielbennett
writes:Basically been with this women for 7-8 months and she constantly will never admit that she is out of line whether we have a debate or an argument. Below is our recent Skype chat which i believe she has gone to far with. As you read this conversation, I have made comments to certain points with a * I felt at the time of the conversation which justifying why I think she is wrong(they are in brackets). I’d just like to know from both a male and female perspective if I’m being unreasonable and she has a right to say those things. Or she should understand where i'm trying to come from and apologies? As it stands were on a break and i think were about ready to break up but as in any relationship there may still be hope. But before i even consider thinking along those lines I thought i'd get some outside opinions before i hold my peace with the situation. Thanks for sparing the time to look at my problem. The Skype conversation [14/08/2012 20:14:40] LN xx: I once saw that u had like 15 contacts on ur Skype profile[14/08/2012 20:14:51] LN xx: hmm lol[14/08/2012 20:56:49] LN xx: I saw when I was skyping u in America, and it was like 15 so u added a few pple since then lol[14/08/2012 20:56:54] LN xx: hope its not American women[14/08/2012 20:59:16] LN xx: hmmm lol[14/08/2012 21:09:01] DB: why are you observing n watching me in such intensity lol, you must well want to catch me out doing something[14/08/2012 21:09:28] DB: its just so unfortunate for you I have a clean slate, I don’t double dip[14/08/2012 21:11:05] DB: a few people from uni may have finally added me. However, the only women I have on there are the ones I listed before with there affiliation. You on the other hand probably have loads of men on yours including your ex[14/08/2012 21:16:13] LN xx: I wasnt watching you, when u were in America I looked on ur profile to see what time u were last online to see if u had read my Skype message[14/08/2012 21:16:48] LN xx: hmm ok, even thou u told me ages ago that u had that Laura women on there lol[14/08/2012 21:16:54] LN xx: is she a man then ha ha[14/08/2012 21:24:48] DB: that old chestnut! Whatever lol. Funny how the number just ingrained in your head lol.[14/08/2012 21:25:10] DB: Laura used to be on there yes like 3 years ago but she got a new 1 I haven’t added it yet as there isn't any real need[14/08/2012 21:25:51] DB: so no, she’s not a man lol[14/08/2012 21:33:07] LN xx: lol yea it did grain in my head cus at the time I was thinking hmmm cheat[14/08/2012 21:33:14] LN xx: chatting to other woman lol[14/08/2012 21:33:36] LN xx: ok I reckon u will marry her* (Start of her trying to make an argument – totally not needed)*[14/08/2012 21:54:30] DB: O-Kay.... :^)[14/08/2012 21:57:35] DB: I just don’t see Laura in that way, we've been friends roughly the same time me and you started talking a yr before I moved to Bournemouth. She was on my course throughout uni and we have large portion of friends we both know, that’s it. She went out with whom I consider 1 of my best friends in ekow too. So for you to say I will marry her is funny to me. I thought we were going to get married lol* (As I’m with her… not laura! And we used to joke about that stuff in the past)*[14/08/2012 21:57:45] DB: obviously not if you see them visions[14/08/2012 22:11:15] LN xx: nah there not visible contacts it just says Daniel has 15 contacts lol[14/08/2012 22:11:22] LN xx: it’s not on display to say ur cheating[14/08/2012 22:15:23] LN xx: omg she went out with ekow too, she’s working her way around, shell reach u next lol[14/08/2012 22:15:55] LN xx: I just don’t like her, cus my male friend told me sumthin bout her years ago, (Could have left it at that but she felt the need to add to further fuel to spark an argument) I think she loves male attention, she’s abit of a slag (Total uncalled for, being disrespectful about my friend - no need to voice that opinion i believe considering she don't know the girl)*[14/08/2012 22:16:21] LN xx: but I know she’s ur good friend so its fine, as long as I never meet her its cool[14/08/2012 22:16:57] LN xx: lol I though we were but as ur so close to her who knows what could happen (This is were she try to escalate a problem knowing thats she is wrong for saying it)*[14/08/2012 22:37:25] DB: she's always gone out with ekow. They were on n off for like 3 years out of the 4 years we were at uni. Only final yr they just nipped it in the bud n now their just peoples cause they both know they each had their problems.[14/08/2012 22:41:59] DB: I’m not having ago, and you may say i'm standing up for her and you don't like it but I would rather you not call her that. If that’s what you think fine, but don't tell me like I have enough respect to not call your friends things when I don’t even know them so id just like you to have the same respect please. If that pisses you off then so be it but that to me a red flag because it just shows insecurities and anger which just isn’t needed and its very sour behaviour.[14/08/2012 22:44:12] DB: you don’t have to meet her, just know I’m friend’s n cool with her despite you and your friend not being. I’m not going to be manipulated to not being able to see her if she's out with my guy mates. Just letting you know from now (Proving my point I never said to her your not going to stop me. I said I wouldn't be manipulated. As you think she’s a slag)*[14/08/2012 22:45:39] DB: so IF your uncomfortable with that, that’s your own issues to deal with. I have to lay boundaries too around what i believe is allowed and what isn’t* (Reiterating my point I never said to her thats she's not going to stop me from seeing her)*[14/08/2012 22:47:47] DB: i'm close with a lot of female friends whether they are friends of the family or I know from school etc. doesn’t mean I’m going to marry them. If that’s the case, I’m going to commit polygamy. this is ridiculous![14/08/2012 23:00:27] LN xx: u told me she went out with olly[14/08/2012 23:01:18] LN xx: ok not saying u cant see here, see her all u want* (I never said you did?)[14/08/2012 23:03:16] LN xx: I know uve already expressed ur love for her plenty of times lol (1st stab at trying to spark the argument by making it personal to how she believes i think – i believe this is totally not necessary to say and she knows what she said is completely false otherwise I wouldn't be with her)*[14/08/2012 23:04:44] LN xx: god sounds like u go out on trips to the cinema and dinner with women, just the two of you (2nd Stab at trying to cause an argument – again not necessary to say as she know its not true. as i've been with the girl officially for the past 8 months and a year and 2months if you want to add the dating time)*[14/08/2012 23:04:55] LN xx: it would b easy for u to cheat (3rd Stab at trying to cause an argument – not necessary to say and she know I don’t have a bone in my body to want to cheat as she knows i cant stand cheaters. the conversation before this was all about me telling her that for over 2hrs!)*[15/08/2012 00:00:13] DB: what are you on.... I’ve never said that. I’ve always said she’s gone out with ekow.[15/08/2012 00:01:00] DB: don't know how you could even mix that up. I know for a fact I’ve never said that[15/08/2012 00:03:20] DB: cool, no need to make it out like that thou. Like I plan to see her, all the time cause I don’t! I don’t even plan to see her unless it’s a reunion of some sort. [15/08/2012 00:03:39] DB: n by reunion a few of our friend meeting up all together. I'm just not into the women.[15/08/2012 00:04:04] DB: |-( whatever you say Louise[15/08/2012 00:04:36] DB: if you think that, that is on you. In no shape or form have I said or ever expressed that I love her but k[15/08/2012 00:06:18] DB: sounds like nothing, I have female friends doesn’t mean I sleep, love or do things with them, nor do i see them all the time. In fact i've seen you more than my family and friends put together. I do things with my male friends too does that mean I’m hooking up with them too lol. You’re just insecure [15/08/2012 00:09:22] DB: everything easy for me to cheat apparently lol. Just makes me laugh as if anyone’s more likely to cheat it is you. You’re the 1 who shows compassion to cheating as if its only a mistake whilst for me if someone wants to cheat they obviously don't love nor demonstrate a commitment to the person. I've been nothing but committed to you since day 1 even when i was away working in america, I still made you priority number 1.[15/08/2012 00:14:51] DB: but I’m not going to fight my ground anymore, there is no case. It's just ridiculous how you can think all of this yet tell me earlier that you trust me when you clearly don't :s. I'll admit I don't like certain people you stay in contact with (ex-boyfriends) but I’ll remain cautious until proven otherwise however I still trust you with the mind that you wouldn't sneak behind my back. I just feel like there's a red flags in the relationship cause you don’t trust me and without trust, issues surrounding it are just going to keep popping up. (True or false?)*[15/08/2012 00:18:16] LN xx: oh well I thought that’s what u said ages ago, must of misheard you[15/08/2012 00:19:46] LN xx: ok I was being sarcastic cus u always stick up for her in the past lol, I bet if u had to pick between us u would choose her! (Unbelievable! absolutely unreal...)*[15/08/2012 00:20:00] LN xx: if u had to save one of us from falling off a cliff (If she opened up her eyes and observe the true facts which are i'm with her, see her all the time, put her 1st before myself at times and even go out my way to do things when it conflicts with my working schedule, she would know who i'd save hence why this is inapplicable)*[15/08/2012 00:20:55] LN xx: no but if u went to the cinema and for dinner with a woman, just the 2 of u I would find it odd (when did I say I do? What I mean you say things that are just out of context and cannot see why it’s wrong! Why would you say shit like that, if that was happening why would you be with me?)*[15/08/2012 00:22:22] LN xx: I wasn’t accusing u of anything, was just saying what I would find weird (If the points she made previously in relation to me having expressed my love for her (Laura), supposedly taking people out for dinner and the cinema, and how it would be easy for me to cheat are not accusations then I don’t know what is…? Yet, she want to turn around, contradict herself and say no I wasn’t accusing you???)*[15/08/2012 00:22:51] LN xx: u find it weird that I speak to 1 of my ex's regularly, yet u go on dinner dates with other women lol (She speak to her ex’s regularly and she has admitted that and to me that's questionable on a variety of levels, yet she's accusing me of an accusation when I’ve never once said I take people to the cinema or dinner :s).* [15/08/2012 00:43:02] DB: I can assure you that was heard wrong as I wouldn’t have said that. Ollie is like me towards laura we are all just friends, no hidden agenda just peoples. We don’t see each other like that.[15/08/2012 00:44:17] DB: I will stick up for her sure cause she’s a friend you would do the same if I talked badly about one of yours. you don't have a right to call someone a slag when you don't know them. (And thats just common knowledge, who are we to judge someone we don't know? If I had said that to 1 of her friends I know she most likely would have had the exact same stance or if she didn't she obviously doesn't value her friends much to tell someone to respect them)*[15/08/2012 00:44:45] DB: if that’s what you think then you’re a dick! quite frankly[15/08/2012 00:45:36] DB: you know the truth, your ego just doesn’t want to admit it nor hear the truth cause you know your wrong to call her that when you don’t know her. Its just not called for. Fair enough, if you have your opinion but keep it to yourself I would rather not know[15/08/2012 00:46:53] DB: why would I go out to the cinema with another women on my own? That just doesn’t make sense? I’m with you I’d go with you? So yes it would be odd but your the 1 making out like that happens when I just clearly told you before that’s not the case. I’m with you the majority of the time and when I’m not I’m contact with you in some shape of form so your claims are irrelevant and out of context.[15/08/2012 00:47:44] DB: if you want to continue feeding yourself ill thoughts then please do just know it came from your small mind and big mouth not mine. I know what I said.. [15/08/2012 00:48:02] DB: Just to pin point some of your words previously in this convo: [14/08/2012 23:03:16] LN xx: I know u've already expressed ur love for her plenty of times lol[14/08/2012 23:04:44] LN xx: god sounds like u go out on trips to the cinema and dinner with women, just the two of you[14/08/2012 23:04:55] LN xx: it would b easy for u to cheat[15/08/2012 00:48:14] DB: how does that translate to not accusing me of anything???[15/08/2012 00:48:32] DB: that is as bait as it can get[15/08/2012 00:49:54] DB: I’ve so called express my love for her.... it sounds like I go out on trips to the cinema and dinner with women just the two of you and the nail in the coffin it would be easy for you to cheat... huuuuh! :^)[15/08/2012 00:49:59] DB: but whatever, it is what it is…[15/08/2012 00:52:51] DB: I grow tired of the same accusations, just need to accept you have insecurities with me having female friends which is strictly platonic, whilst mine surrounding you keeping in contact with your ex stems for you previously having an emotional, physical, and intimate relationship with someone. It is two completely different circumstances as yours is way more heavily involved than you can’t even see why I would find that strange??? [15/08/2012 00:54:34] DB: its beyond disbelief but whatever is in your mind women lol I have to actually laugh as its that drastic but funny[15/08/2012 00:54:45] LN xx: I do not care u have female friends, ur the one making out that I have an issue, why u always tryna make out I’m jelous. For example I didn’t say u couldnt go out with ur friend, yet u go and say well I’m not choosing, ill see who I want u don’t decide. when I never even said u couldn't. (I was at a lost for words here)*[15/08/2012 00:55:10] LN xx: like I give a shit u hang with females, always tryna make urself sounds superior (Superior??? :s)[15/08/2012 00:55:16] LN xx: like I don’t have male friends lol[15/08/2012 00:55:39] LN xx: and I know you shagged Laura so whatever (Another false accusation)*[15/08/2012 00:55:54] LN xx: tryna lie like u didn’t lol (:s)*[15/08/2012 00:56:43] LN xx: u just blow everything out of proportion and bring shit into this that I didn’t even say in the way u perceive it (I’ve blown it out of proportion? I’ve responded to her ridiculous behaviour and replied how any other person in my position would feel after being attacked like that reading what she has wrote)*[15/08/2012 00:56:51] LN xx: u turn everything into some long fucking debate (the debate is she has accused me of several things which aren’t true and she cannot seven acknowledge your wrong… its beyond disbelief)* Thats were we are now. I left the conversation as it was just soo intense and clearly nothing was going to be resolved. Currently we haven't spoken for 2 days. What are your thoughts in relation to what you read?Please helpThanks
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a break, best friend, her ex, insecure, my ex, spark Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2012): One day the whole arc of a relationship will pass and the principles never be on the same continent.
I don't know how this bodes for the future of mankind, but I am divesting my portfolio of pharmaceutical stocks.
Especially ones that specialize in the manufacture of
anti-biotics and birth control.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2012): After reading the conversation, I must say that from her point of view, in a weird way she was just searching for reassurance, but right off the bat you were defensive and unable to understand what she was really trying to say. I think if both of you learnt to communicate properly and to listen with open ears rather than defensive ones then you both could make the relationship work. I would recommend 'men are from mars women are from venus' to try and help you both to understand the other persons POV.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2012): After reading the conversation, I must say that from her point of view, in a weird way she was just searching for reassurance, but right off the bat you were defensive and unable to understand what she was really trying to say. I think if both of you learnt to communicate properly and to listen with open ears rather than defensive ones then you both could make the relationship work. I would recommend 'men are from mars women are from venus' to try and help you both to understand the other persons POV.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (16 August 2012):
 Sorry I couldn't get through it all.... How ANY couple can communicate properly with conversations like this is BEYOND me!
MAN, say what you mean, what you feel and quit the hmm and lolz.... it is IMPOSSIBLE to NOT misunderstand half of the conversations because it's half sarcastic/ironic or attempting to be funny. Don't forget irony/sarcasm and sometimes HUMOR doesn't always translate when writing.
If I can give you ANY advice it's this :
LEARN how to have a REAL conversation EVEN if you are typing.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (16 August 2012):
 I just read Stacy's answer. Yep, I agree.
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A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (16 August 2012):
My thoughts are...
1. She wasn't trying to pick a fight. She wanted you to chase her the way you did when you were first drawn to her. She was fishing for compliments and reassurance. By making accusations she hoped to get it by manipulating you into volunteering it. She didn't want to swallow her pride by asking for it directly.
2. Clearly she does take exception to your having female friends, particularly this friend, Laura. She sees Laura as having something she, herself, doesn't. That is your respect. While you may love her (and she knows you do) she's afraid you're with her despite who she is and not because of it.
3. The conversation went on far too long. If you don't want to discuss something, you don't discuss it. Simple. You say your piece and move on. If she won't then politely end the conversation and invite her to contact you when she is in a better mood.
She knows there is nothing going on between you and Laura. In an odd way, part of her wishes there were so she would have something real to complain about, she could bury her insecurity beneath your wrong doing, and you could be manipulated into chasing her to prove your devotion.
The best way to deal with someone like this is to limit whatever reassurance you give them to one or two sentences and nothing more. As long as she (or anyone like her) is confident you won't leave (or that you'll come back if you do), the more comfortable they will feel about indulging their fears, when they should be working on overcoming them. Be calm, matter of fact, warm, and brief.
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A
female
reader, Stayc63088 +, writes (16 August 2012):
 Ok I read the whole conversation. A couple of things stood out. One being very obvious she is jealous of the friendship you have with Laura. [14/08/2012 21:33:36] LN xx: ok I reckon u will marry her* (Start of her trying to make an argument – totally not needed)*------I disagree that she was trying to start an argument. I think she wanted to hear reassurance that nothing is there between you 2 because she is clearly jealous. Your answer probably could have been something to the effect of "Laura?? lol, no way. I want to marry you :)" (since you mentioned marriage to your gf)
[14/08/2012 22:15:23] LN xx: omg she went out with ekow too, she’s working her way around, shell reach u next lol---- That's her real fear then she added lol to it to sound lighter than it is.
[14/08/2012 22:15:55] LN xx: I just don’t like her, cus my male friend told me sumthin bout her years ago I think she loves male attention, she’s abit of a slag---- She is making this statement because she is jealous and must make little digs at the woman to make herself feel better, calling her a slag or slut. She also wants agreement from you because it furthers her reassurance that you want nothing to do with Laura. Your comment here could have been "Not to my knowledge. But that's never a nice thing to say about someone you don't know, lol. You've got nothing to worry about with her." That way it doesn't feel like you are defending Laura or agreeing with your gf. Just don't stay on the topic of another female for too long, that makes her feel like there is something there. If there is truly nothing to it, then there wouldn't be 5 long paragraphs defending her and saying you won't be told you can't see her- her thoughts.
I am not condoning her actions, I am explaining what I see and how it seems to come off, also being a woman and having acted the same way when jealous of a female friend. Now after the slag comment you went off in quite a few paragraphs about not being told what you can and can't do with this woman. I know you didn't mean for it come off this way, but it does seem like you are going above and beyond to prove she will always be there like she is so important to you. Your gf never mentioned you not being able to see Laura, but you went into telling her that you won't not be able to see her. You can reread if you want to, there was no mention from your gf about seeing her. But it seems like the fear of not seeing her made you bring this up, which made your girlfriend even more insecure and jealous because it is obviously important for Laura to be in your life.
Overall it is just an argument. If I were you and I planned to continue this relationship then the next time she brings up this chick or any other chick don't get so defensive for the friend. It's clear your gf doesn't even know her and is just trying to insult her to feel better, so why does that offend you? If she isn't a slut then who cares. If you don't want to deal with the jealousy and want a more secure woman then by all means do so, I am not telling you what you should do. I'm just trying to give some insight into a scared jealous woman since I have been there. I can understand both sides but I know the things you said that set her off even more so I thought I'd let you know what they are if you want to continue forth and avoid these conversations. She is out of line but it's how she handles her jealousy. My suggestions should work pretty well if you continue the relationship. Try to keep things light when her jealousy shows up. Don't get too defensive for the girl she's so jealous of. And unless your gf actually says you cannot see her, don't start up a tirade about how you will see her and won't be told you can't blah blah. If she persists despite your comments that I suggested previously, then tell her again she has nothing to worry about at all, you have no interest in this girl at all, say the reasons you would never date her (and be honest. this should help a lot). Then say you don't want to argue so you are stepping away for a little bit.
I hope everything I typed was clear. But insecure girls are a bit to deal with and most would say dump her and move on. Your choice. Good luck. You can email me anytime if something else comes up.
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A
female
reader, Candid Cally +, writes (16 August 2012):
I apologize in advance, but you probably will not like my answer.
You two should not be in a relationship. It seems like you are just using each other to live out some long-term debate with twisted logic. The lols aren't funny. If you aren't cheating, why not just say you aren't cheating? Instead you beat around the bush sparring with her trying to make her feel stupid, while she tries to make you feel bad. How is that a relationship?!
If you two aren't trolling one another, please just break up already. Friends and even acquaintances treat each other better than you two treat one another! For this relationship to happen, both of you need to work on trust respect, and compromise...these things are the foundation of a relationship. As of right now, you lack a foundation. How can you have a relationship?
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