A
male
age
30-35,
*rewma007
writes:It is after the breakup I initiated last week.I am writing trying to hear more from other people's point of view about my situation and decision.Almost two years of relationship with this girl, and I will call this girl H throughout this post.We met each other through a friend, and at that time, I had a girlfriend and I will call her K here. However, I was planning a breakup with K since I had cheated on her and I believed we would not work out in a long run. Girl H and I had something going on before my official breakup with Girl K and she knew I had a girlfriend. I assured Girl H that I would sort it out when I had the chance, which I did in two weeks time. I broke up with Girl K and promised Girl H that it would never happen to her.When Girl H and I first started, we had several talks. We both wanted a serious and trusting relationship. We wanted it to work out in a long run. I have learned from Girl K that in every relationship, respect and trust are two very important factors, and so staying loyal has become my principle in this relationship with Girl H.(From here onward, everything will be about Girl H)Even thou it was a semi long distance relationship, everything was going fine in the first few months. Minor fights did occur, but nothing too serious, until 2012 Feb.2012 Feb, She came to visit me and stayed with me for a week before moving into a new school. We had great time together while she was staying with me. After she moved into her new school in a different country, I started to feel we were becoming more distant, and started to feel somewhat insecure, I had a hunch something wrong was going on. I could not stand this feeling, and went to visit her and It was only 2 weeks after she left my home.The night of arrival, she admitted she cheated on me with a boy she just met in her school because she felt lonely and I was not there for her when she needed me. She cried and apologized. Just because I love her a lot, I explained to her, I was not mad, but rather disappointed. When I asked her to make some commitments, she agreed but I had the feeling she was not 100% that she could keep her words. At that night, my trust for her fell from 100 to almost 0. However, I was wishing time would change it and it would turn out ok.The feeling of insecurity has never gone inside me. 2012 Oct. It was my fault, but I log-in her facebook because I sensed something was happening a few days after she told me she met a male friend. And I found out she hid our relationship status from everyone and hid every posts of me from that particular guy. So I told her I did that and what I found out. She told me she in fact did not want to hide me from him, but from everyone, then she went mad and said she did not need a boyfriend who did not trust her and wanted a breakup. I agreed with this decision. She later begged me to come back etc and I ignored her for a day. I finally forgave her again after she assured me it would not happen again.Back to present, 2013 July, she came back to hometown for internship programme in the hospitality industry, working hours are always irregular, sometimes finished work at 1am. Things were ok in the first week after she started working. In the second week onward, I felt that the only times she would find me was when she needed me to help her to do something, or when she arrived home. The situation was getting worse, we did not even talk at all, even when I sent her texts tried to talk to her, most of the time she ignored them and replied with rather short answers, as if she did not want to engage in any conversations even thou I knew she had been texting other people. One night, I called her after she text me she was home, at first she just left the phone on without saying a word, and so I tried to talk to her, she finally answered with a really annoyed tone "What?" So I said, "Well nothing then" and we ended that call.Things did not get better, but worse, at least to me. One night I had dinner until late at night, only found out she went out to a night-club when I called her at 3am. I waited her to come home, and she noticed I was not happy so she told me she would tell me when she went out and play next time. So the next few days whenever she went out drinking or night-clubs, she would tell me, but then I would not hear from her again until the next morning, sometimes even 11am. And our conversations did not leave the subject of when she arrived home, as if she was only talk to me when needed help from me or 'reporting to me'. However, I knew she always text her friends or talk to them. It was the lack of communication.The feelings of loneliness strike me again, and I had that hunch again maybe if she was seeing someone. So last week, we had dinner and I confessed to her about my feelings, about that she spent so much time with her friends but not a single minute with me even a few texts. She nodded and agreed, did not say a word. I walked her home and I spent some time talking to her grandma. She suddenly said she did not feel so well and needed the toilet. I heard she was on the phone right after she went into the toilet, maybe I was wrong. However, I felt so tired and went home before she came out. I was expecting if she would text me or call me asking me why I left so early. I did not receive a single thing and even after I text her I was home.I could not stand it anymore. I text her saying maybe we should call it an end (which I should have done it face to face). I did it because I was tired of this relationship already, and I wanted to see her reaction. She did not reply until the next morning, and she said she would respect my decision if it was what I wanted, and she said maybe it was a good time for us to chill out. She said she had always loved me and always will. We went to the no contact stage after this.The reason I left, not because she spent too much time with her friends, but mainly because she did not make me feel safe in the relationship. I was living in worries everyday and in doubt. I trusted her less and less after she cheated on me 2012 Feb. No matter how much she told me I meant to her when I asked her, I felt I was totally left out in this relationship and I felt that I did not mean or worth anything to her. Even after this breakup, I felt as if she wanted it as well, but only waiting for me to initiate it.After this breakup, a friend of both of us wanted to talk to me and he told me something, which assured that my decision was right. He told me in 2010 Summer, during her 6 months work placement in our hometown. She told him there was a guy who was nice to her, and she had some feelings for him. However she would not choose that guy because I had better standard and quality compare to him. Our friend asked, what if that guy was better than me, she told our friend she might consider him. After hearing this, I felt I could easily be substituted with anyone who she thought that were better than me, and I felt as if I was worthless to her throughout this relationship.Anyways, I am writing this story of mine only because I want to hear from the "outsiders". If I was over-paranoid and caused all these troubles and endings. What could I have done to improve? And I want to know what you think about this story of mine. Did I make the right decision? I just want to hear more from the "more experienced".Thank you in advance for reading such a long story.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, drewma007 +, writes (29 August 2013):
drewma007 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Chigirl,One reason for asking strangers is because they do not know me personally, and would give me straight forward advices without needing to care for me feelings. I think you have given me very thoughtful opinions and advices. Not being sarcastic, I appreciate your help very much. I agree with you about she ended this instead of I did. Trust was no longer there when it was the fundamental factor in every relationships. The more I think about it, the more unhealthy I find this relationship is. I just did not have the courage to actually end it.I am still in the "withdrawal" stage after the break up. It obviously does not feel good. I guess I will just have to try my best to fight over it. And I should not make the same mistake twice in the future, and remember the lesson I have learned this time.Better late than never.Thanks again.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (28 August 2013):
 I want to start by telling you that I hope you can answer this question yourself. Did you do the right thing? Because only you know what is right for you. The rest of this post is just my opinion, which reflects what is right for me. If I were in your shoes.
First, I'd never start a relationship while still in another. Why? Because whomever showed an interest in me while I was still taken didn't genuinely care for me, had no respect for me, and I would in return have no respect for them. If I was in love with someone, or wanted someone, I'd NEVER accept getting involved with them while they were still with someone else. I have self respect, after all. This girlfriend of yours obviously had no such self respect, or respect for you, same as you lacked respect for the girl you were already with.
The point in me saying this is that you were off to a bad start, that leads to bad relationships. So in a way, you could have avoided the heartache by seeing the red flags because they were waving at you from the very beginning... They were waving at you from the first moment you started to get involved with her. It was on bad terms.
Yet, sure, if you're a romantic (and young people often are before they gain experience in how shitty real life can be), you'd be inclined to tell yourself stories about how this romance was "meant to be" or something, and how it would all work out in the end. Like heroes of a movie. Happy endings and everything sorts itself out.
That's why you forgave the cheating. You were hoping it'd sort itself out, that love would conquer all, that you were meant to be somehow... That was naive. You should have learned from your first relationship. You cheated, and you knew she wasn't the one for you. The cheating was a pretty obvious indication of this. And that relationship ended. Now, the next girlfriend cheats on you, and you think that.. well, by forgiving her she will change personality and become loyal all of a sudden? That she will actually want you? As opposed to when she was feeling lonely and needy and blamed you for her sorry position? Come on, she willingly jumped into another mans bed, not because she was so terribly lonely, but because her need for YOU just wasn't that great.
Sure, when she realizes she might lose you she turns on the charm to have you, just so she can fool around again. She wants her cake and eat it too. She is probably so terribly "lonely" that she can't stand the idea of being single, thus needing a boyfriend until someone better comes along. As you yourself suspect to be the truth. Well, I share that suspicion with you.
Cheating is what you do when you don't have the courage to actually break up with someone. A person who cheats doesn't need forgiveness, they need to be dumped, because they are too scared to do it themselves. If they actually wanted the relationship they wouldn't cheat. It's that simple.
" Even after this breakup, I felt as if she wanted it as well, but only waiting for me to initiate it."
Exactly. Sorry to be blunt, but she ended the relationship with you when she cheated on you. Which was over a year ago. She was dilly dally ever since, not caring much, not being interested, and honestly, and I'm sorry for you being treated like that, but she honestly didn't care any longer. That is why she behaved that way. Which is why you should absolutely have ended things back when she cheated.
" What could I have done to improve?"
You could have not entered a relationship with someone who showed a lack of respect for you, also you should have ended things when she cheated. Cheating is a deal breaker, not because someone irrationally decided it would be so. But because it is so, cheating ends a relationship. Period. You didn't "fail" in this relationship, you couldn't have done anything really to prevent this from happening other than not getting involved with her and not taking her back after the cheating. The signs were there, but you chose to ignore them and hope for the best.
Next time, don't ignore the signs. Choose someone who has better qualities and higher standard. And don't be afraid to draw the line. At least, that is what I would do if I were in your shoes. Also, stop asking strangers to legitimize your decisions. Stand for the choices you make, even if everyone else disagree. YOU know what is right for YOU.
But if I were you I'd do the same... end things, better late than never.
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