A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my girlfriend (I'll call her Emily) for about two and a half months but she finds it hard to let me try to give her an orgasm. She was with her ex for three years and claims that this ex had never made her come in all that time but would always feel bad that she couldn't and therefore put a lot of pressure on Emily. I understand what this is like since this happened to me in my previous relationship. It takes time to relax and you have to trust someone a lot. However, my ex who I speak of here was a lot older than me and much more experienced (I'm 20) so eventually made me relax enough for it to work regularly. I don't want to put pressure on Emily like her ex did and if I ever bring it up she feels guilty etc so I try not to. However, I really just want to make her feel as good as she makes me feel and be able to keep trying even if it takes a really long time. She just feels bad for taking too long and even if I say I'm fine and I'm not tired she pushes me away and touches herself. She regularly orgasms like this but it makes me feel like a bit of a third wheel with her and her hand. I know that sounds stupid and its probably down to my insecurities and lack of feeling like I know what I'm doing, but I can't learn what she likes unless I can try.I just wondered what you think would be the best thing to do? I don't want to keep mentioning it because it'll make things worse by putting pressure on it. Or if I do say something, I don't want her to feel like she has to let me touch her and get frustrated because I'm not doing it right when she could do it much better herself. I love her very much and maybe its best not to do anything (she says that I am doing everything right, its just her) so not to make it seem like an orgasm is the be all and end all because I do think the sex is amazing anyway?Thanks, Helena.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (15 January 2013):
 I think your focus is on the wrong thing.
Truly it's NOT your responsibility to give her an orgasm. It's never the partners responsibility. IF it happens that's nice.
I know how she feels. personally for me, with someone who doesn't hit the right spot (and for me oral is the only way to orgasm) there's sex and making love and then there's TEACHING sessions. I don't want to spend every session of love making TEACHING someone how to hit the right spot... it could take forever anyway...
there is a rhythm that has to be done properly. the amount of pressure will change as I get closer.... and these are internal things that are hard to teach to someone even if they are willing and able to learn...
I have had ONE partner who could consistently make me orgasm through oral.... and I never had to TEACH him anything.... he just instinctively knew what to do..... IF only I could bottle his skill. The rest of him... not worth it.
Being insistent on giving her an orgasm is ruining YOUR fun and HERS.
Relax.
Have FUN
LAUGH
enjoy.
give it time.
and sometimes say to her "hey I want a teaching session now" and have her show you what she likes.
she's very lucky to have you and that you care so much.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2013): she is her own worst enemy, honestly. it takes a certain degree of comfort with some women to let loose and be comfortable enough to have an orgasm. and her last relationship definitely made her feel like she was just letting her gf down every time she couldn't get off; therefore, she began feeling more and more pressured and unable to get off. Now, it sounds like sex has just become purely frustrating to her rather than enoyable. but i don't blame you for being upset at all.I'd feel the same way if i couldn't get my gf off. sex is awesome, and feels great when you know you're fulfilling your partner. i'm sorry you two are having to deal with this. the only thing i can say is just continue to keep trying to stay completely patient. let her know you love her no matter what. because honestly, i think if she can feel completely at ease and comfortable, she can have an orgasm. i think comfort is her only problem; not feeling like a burden. good luck.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (15 January 2013):
If she's letting you have sex with her then she's letting you give her an orgasm. What she doesn't want is for you to make her orgasm your mission.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2013): I'd say just make sure she's enjoying it, regardless of whether she orgasm or not. As long as she's enjoying it. Of course it takes practice to learn what feels good to her, watch how she masterbates and see where she focuses, when, and for how long. Watch her rhythm. Just experiment on her organs having fun, not making the goal orgasm.
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