A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I'm 38 and my now ex gf is 24. We were going out for just over 12 months and it was great. Then I walked out of my job and she ended it. I had a few problems at work, nothing big, so didn’t mention them to her until the day I walked out. She said I should have told her, and she finished with me saying it was because we didn’t talk to each other. We talked all the time, I just didn’t mention problems at work because they weren’t that great. Although we separated, we still go out together and enjoy sex together, so we separated in name only. I thought it was just a phase and we’d get back together. But this has gone on for 8 months now and she still wont get back with me. She says she loves me more than anything but I keep giving her reasons not to get back. She wont say what these reasons are though. She just says her head says not to get back, but her heart tells her we should get back.All her friends know we have separated and thats how she wants it to stay. So at the moment she is living two lives, a single life with her friends when they all meet up and go out, and a life with me that they don’t know about. At first I thought I could handle it, but its slowly got to the point where I want her to decide if she wants me or she wants to be single. But i fear if I force her to make a choice then i’ll lose her for good.She does have emotional problems, she was raped at 16 by a 26 year old guy she saw a few times. She never got help for that and no one else knows about it, not even her parents. I’m the only one she ever told. When we met she had low self esteem and no confidence. Now her esteem and confidence have built up because of me being there for her . But she still has days were the rape affects her. She wont seek professional help, so its me or nothing, so i’m there for her.There you have it. We split, we still see each other, she won't get back with me but, doesn’t want me out of her life.HELP!!!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2009): Well, I have to say that not sharing information about problems at work was not a very good idea. Either you were trying to be the strong, take-care-of-my-own-problems male, or you didn't think it would matter to her. If you were trying to deal with your problems without talking to her about them...I'm sure you had good intentions, but in all reality, talking to her may have given you a different viewpoint on the situation, you may have been able to get past the problem, and you could possibly still have your job. From experience, as I'm sure half (if not more) of America's workforce would agree with me...you will always have problems at work. With today's economy, it is better to just let it roll off your shoulder (unless it was unethical issues, and in that case, gone to a human resource rep).
Being a victim of rape, myself, yes it will rear it's ugly head on occasions, but having a partner who is open and honest with you about everything plays a big part in getting past what happened. When my husband and I first got together, things were really hard. I mean, really hard. Then, after a few long conversations about what I needed from him, he came around and things got better between us. Things aren't perfect, of course. We still have our problems, but a relationship that is meant to be will eventually overcome obstacles and make the two of you that much stronger. It also gives you experience to learn from.
If she is telling you that her heart tells her to give you another chance, then she will. Perserverience doesn't have any exemptions. Show her how much you care, how sorry you are for not confiding in her because she is your partner and decisions in life that effect each other, should always be discussed with each other.
Good luck and keep your head up. She sounds like a smart girl. If she didn't leave (even momentarily), then that means she's willing to put up with mistakes such as these. This shows she really cares about her furture, and believe it or not, your's too.
A
male
reader, ArmyMedic +, writes (8 March 2009):
 Communication is the key here, TALK TO HER ABOUT IT, and don't hold back about anything not matter how trivial you think the detail is.
Having problems at work is a big deal and you should have told her! Also she has had a hard time in the past so even keeping something like that back from her is a huge breach of trust.
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