A
male
age
51-59,
*haythomas24
writes:I met this girl on the internet. She is 28 divorced and has two boys. When i met her she said she came out of a abisive relationship that she was in for 4 yrs. I am 40 and have a son. I know i took some of the retionship for granted because she said she was in love with me and wanted to spend her life with me. Some of the things i did do was not very nice but never cheated on her . We had a argument on night about some text messages and i thought she was texting some else. I asked to see the text messages and she said she deleted them. I asked for the phone records and she found that very untrusting. I was jealous of her meeting someone else. this all happened on a friday and monday morning she broke up with me by writing a text message.She is now back with her ex boyfriend. How is that possible. how do i get her back I have tried evetyhing. I contacted her friends. nothing works. she doesnt want to even talk to me about the situation. i feel she cant because she told me what he did to her. she would never tell me there was anyone for 3 weeks then one day she said there was someone and to leave her alone. I love her. What do i do?
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female
reader, Sugarbuns  +, writes (26 February 2008):
 I think you're better off without her. Sounds like she was deceiving you all along and once you started questioning her secretive behavior and mysterious texts, she bailed out on the relationship and went back to her ex, which I suspect is the person she was texting behind your back anyhow. Live and learn but don't go back to her. Just move on. Good luck.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2008): I think you acted a bit controlling by wanting to see her text messages etc. She probably fled to the first person available who at the time was her ex. I bet she doesnt want to be with him, but it sounds like it is either the frying pan or the hot fire situation. You have done nothing to make her want you therefore i doubt if she wants to come back. Walk away and meet someone else and try not to want to see their texts etc in future.
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A
female
reader, Lucy2118  +, writes (26 February 2008):
 I think she's using her ex as a security blanket once she ended things with you. Does she know you love her? She seems like she would be very insecure coming out of a abusive relationship so she would need to be comforted, more so than any other women. I guessing the things that happened in your relationship with her didn't do much for her insecurity. Do what ever it takes to show her that her life will be better with her. Write her letters, meet her from work and ring her until she knows that you love and will project her forever.Hope this helpsX
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A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (26 February 2008):
 You do nothing.
First, WHY would you want a woman that would rather be in an abusive relationship than to be with you? Don't you see that her issues are deeper than you suspect? You are not her therapist, and are trying to be her savior.
Next, she returned to the abusive ex because her interpretation of his actions satisfies her emotional needs. For some women, until they develop on the inside, she interprets abusive behaviors as actions that she would be likely to respond to. All women have the same emotional needs, but not in the same priority. Then her interpretation of a man's behaviors as addressing her emotional needs comes into play when deciding which man she will respond to.
I would suggest that any woman that would leave you, to be with someone that treats her horribly, is a woman with too many problems that would hurt your life, and your relationship with your own son.
Find someone new.
-Frank B Kermit, author of Everything Out of Her Mouth is a Test: A man's guide to the emotional needs of women.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (26 February 2008):
 You know, every choice we make has a negative or a positive consequense. You say you love her, but you took her for granted and did some things that weren't nice. When looking at a girl who was abused, how are your actions much different. Being mistreated is being mistreated, no matter which form it takes.
A girl coming from an abusive relationsip is someone who has a fragile sense of self. A simple action, such as asking for phone records, is a form of controlling behavior, which the abused know all too well. That can trigger a fear of entering into another situation that may not be the best place to be. With that being said, let me ask you this, and think of it from her angle. Would you rather be in a hell you know, or a hell that you don't know? When someone is abused, and enter into a new relationship, if any sign of possible "mistreatment" arrises, they will devert to the past because she knows the environment she was in for 4 years. In protecting herself, she knows what works and what doesn't. If she felt at all this "abusive" behavior would happen being with you, being in a new environment she'd have to redefine her protections.
Think of it from a larger scale, such as a girl who gets raped. When the trauma is fresh, even someone who loves them and they know they won't hurt them, quite often when they attempt physical contact, such as a hug, or a simple touch, the victim backs up, shakes, as if the danger is evident at that time and not a past event.
I dont think you'll convince her, because relationships are not about convincing someone or cohersing them into doing something. Relationships are all about choice. When you're with someone and they're with you, you mutually choose to be there. Either person can choose different, and all though it may not be the decisions the other person wants, it's still one that needs to be accepted and respected. She may find that being with him, again, in that situation is not the place she wants to be. At that time she may make a different choice, but that will come on it's own, and that's the way it needs to happen.
If she does choose you again, between now and then for her or any other relationship, you need to work on your reasons for your negative actions and changing your beliefs behind the false obligations that relationships hold. Remember, when you claim to love someone, you need to show that not just by words but by every action in being that person.
Take care.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (26 February 2008):
 If you love her, you should set her free. Tell her you are sorry for what you did and asked her for another chance .
The ball will be at her feet. If she does not want to kick the ball to you then you will have to move on and find another one.
You can keep the love but it won't be returned.Your love letter signed and sealed cannot be delivered.Sorry Sir, you have come to the dead end.
There are some great advise on this site;-
http://www.been-dumped.com/relationship-advice-and-articles.php
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