A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am a 28 year old male, in a long distance relationship with a 22 year old female. I had plans to go visit her, for a week in April 3. But we hit a snag here and now I am not sure if I should go, (in light of what's happened)After my visit with her in April, she was planning on coming out here in early June. About a week ago, she told me on the phone, that when she comes here in June, she wants to go and visit a male friend, who lives about 5 hours from here. I have never met this guy. All I know about him, is his first name and that he is from her hometown and they used to party a lot together. She said this on the phone, and it came out of the blue. her plans were she wanted to stay here with me for 3 days and then wants to go see him for the remainder of her week long stay. I then suggested I go with her as I can drive her there. I told her I wanted to meet him, as her friends, hopefully can become friends of mine, too. She said 'no'. That I couldn't go. I was stunned when she said that "I couldn't go and meet him-that she wanted time to spend with him, on her own" Damn, alarm bells started ringing in my brain.I told her that I thought what she was doing was disrespectful to me and the relationship. She then said "what?! don't you trust me?" I said I did, but also said that trust was a natural progression, in a relationship. You earn it , you just don't hand it over blindly. That 2 people work their butts off, to keep trust strong, throughout the 'whole' life of a relationship. It was then that I again, insisted that I go, with her and meet this friend. She said no and got upset with me, and an argument ensued, with me hanging up on her in frustration! . Now, all this past week she won't answer my text messages nor phone calls. She did call me back one time, and she is very angry at me and has accused me of being suspicious, jealous, controlling and arrogant and that she's not so sure about me, anymore. She said that when I got upset with her and told her to not consider this visit without me, she came back and said that I was 'being possessive and abusing' her!! I can't win! I set a boundary here, stood up for myself and asked for respect and I get called an abuser?? She went to her best gal friend and this friend told my gf, I was a controlling, jealous man and that she should dump me! I just gave up calling my gf. I ended up just telling her I wasn't coming to see her in April and that we aren't sharing the same relationship values. That we should just call it quits as respect is BIG in my books. She has called and has asked me to reconsider dating her, again. I still love her. But I am stubborn and can't see that happening. What do you guys think? I talked to a few of my slosest buddies, and they all said, 'she was crazy for suggesting such a thing'. Was I out of line to ask her to take me with her so I could meet this guy friend? I am a man's man, kinda macho, a bit redneck, but a hell of a nice guy. And I know how guys think, good friend or not! I wouldn't have it any other way and she knows that, now. What would you guys have done? And girls, what do you think? Would you do this to a guy you claim to love?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2009): I think you did the right thing. Sounds like you have behaved perfecty reasonably and she's not respecting that. You didn't tell her you didn't want her to go see the guy, just that you wanted to meet him too. That's something she should have got onboard with if she's serious about you. I find it real sketchy that she refused. Good luck, stay strong!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2009): Personally, I think you should have let her go alone. if you trust her, as you said you did, then what is the harm? To me, you do sound suspicious, what is so wrong with her spending time with an old friend. Think of it this way, she couldn't have told you and done this in secrecy but she told yo, assuming you'd trust her enough to let her go. You instantly thought that she was going to rekindle something when she went away, that's natural, yes, but do you think she would cheat on a bf who was willing enough to trust her to go? I think not. If she had any plans of cheating on you, she wouldn't be so brazen about going.As you said, you still love her, so talk to her.I think you are jealous, what if a past ex gf wanted to meet up, you'd be annoyed if she threw a tantrum like you did. If you can't trust her to socialise with the opposite sex, then you are too overprotective. I get trust is earned, but still, you've gotta try something to make the trust happen, how long does she have to wait until you say it's ok. If I was your girlfriend, I'd be annoyed.You said she was going to stay with you for the first part of the week, well didn't you see that you would be the last thing on her mind when she left?I think LDR are very tough, but if you have any chance of making it work, you need to talk to her or else you will indeed lose her.Anyway, best of luck let me know how you get on.
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