A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So, "Rachel" and "Graham" have been together for almost a year now. Rachel is my oldest friend of 11 years and Graham is my best friend of 5 years. Since I've known him, I've also liked Graham as more than a friend but he has never been interested in me in that way. We are very close, we tell each other pretty much everything and he sees me as more of a "guy" whom he can talk to rather than all of his male friends.When the pair got together I knew our relationship would have to be different but rather than being more distant we have grown even closer. Rachel is not the most considerate girlfriend; she doesn't make great conversation, often doesn't text him back, doesn't appear very affectionate. This caused Graham to confide in me more and text me instead, knowing he was sure to be listened to. We have always flirted a little, mainly led by Graham, but Rachel never seemed bothered. Today, however, Rachel told Graham that the relationship couldn't work if I was in it. She said she'd had enough of people coming up to her and asking how she felt about me being the third person in their relationship. She suspected either I was in love with Graham or he was with me and hated that we are closer than they are and told each other everything. I heard all this through Graham who called to tell me. He said she was really close to dumping him and said she didn't mind us remaining friends but she didn't want us as close. Graham's apparent flirting at a recent party had sparked it all off.I obviously felt massively guilty - they were close to breaking up because of me. Graham assures me it's his fault and I shouldn't worry but I know we're both to blame really. Another friend has now informed me Rachel is seriously considering breaking up with him in the next week, for a number of reasons, not just the situation with me and him.I don't know how to feel or what to do! One part of me is happy things may be coming to an end for them, even if Graham isn't interested in me. On the other hand, I feel it's all my fault if they do split and that they could both end up hating me. I've clearly been an awful friend to Rachel, taking such an interest in her boyfriend. I understand I should keep my distance from him but I don't want to! He's my best friend, I need him. I never intentionally meant for this to happen :(Any advice on what to do or comments from anyone who has been in a similar situation would be much welcomed!
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female
reader, compuzzled_chick  +, writes (30 June 2009):
 I personally have been in a similar situation. However in this situation "Rachel" threw shoes at "Grahm"'s head and that was that. It sounds like she is just envious of your close relationship and is afraid of it growing even more. The best advice I can give in confrontation. Tell her that you weren't intentionally flirting with him and you feel guilty if that's how she saw it. If you were flirting, tell her that you are very sorry and not to leave him for that reason. She's been your friend for eleven years, she should understand.
A
female
reader, dearkelja  +, writes (30 June 2009):
 Hi there,
I have a male best friend that I am attracted to but he is not attracted to me. We've been a "couple" in every sense of the word, not sexual, doing couples things together for the last 6 months. Neither of us has had a significant other. We've both been doing on-line dating but neither of us is super serious and in a hurry...up until a week ago.
Last week my friend had a date on Thursday and liked the woman and set up a date for Saturday (which he cancelled plans with other friends for but would not cancel plans to be with me-ouch). He called me last night so excited about this new woman and I was hurt. I'm hurt because I want him that way and I also know that this new woman will become his new best friend and our relationship will change. Bottom line, I told him I could not watch him fall in love as I have feelings for him. I also told him I needed some time to put my feelings into perspective before I could be his friend again.
So how does this affect your situation. I'd say that you are too close to this guy and I know exactally how you feel. I know you probably secretly hope his relationships will fail so you can have him in the end. That is why I had to take myself out of the picture...because I love the guy and want the best for him. He doesn't want to be with me in that way and I do right now so I can not be his friend. Do you think your friendship with him is preventing you from finding someone of your own? if so, I think you need some distance. My friend and I also flirted pretty heavily and that made me feel good. It also made me feel like eventually I could wear him down. But his mind is made up. I'm not the one. And I would only continue to be on this roller coaster ride as he dates this woman and the next woman and the next. The Saturday nights that we had are now his date nights and it hurts. Aren't you hurt and isn't it hard for you to see him with another woman?
I think you should back out a little and let him try to work things out with rachel. find yourself a man of your own. Believe me, I know how it feels.
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