A
male
age
41-50,
*epus2000
writes:I've been with my girlfriend for 5 months now and I knew her for about 7 months before then. We get along really great and we really care about each other. I'm 25 and she's 21. Overall, I'm happy with how our relationship is but there is one thing that I don't like. Initially, she didn't want anyone knowing that we were dating, so basically only her best friend and her mom knew. She's told me that she didn't want people from her church finding out because they're conservative and such. So for a while we would go on dates in other cities so we wouldn't be seen. I told her I didn't like it but that for now I would go along with it because she needed to learn that she wouldn't be able to control what others think or say about us dating. Gradually she told the rest of her family and a couple more friends.What's bothering me is that whatever little progress has been made isn't really changing the overall fact that she doesn't want people from her church (where she has lots of friends) from knowing about us. I already told her I'm not looking to flaunt the relationship, but I hate the fact that whatever I do I have to make sure that "they" won't find out.Her and her mom had a talk and she told me that her mom thinks it's ok that if people find out about us just not to flaunt the relationship. And her mom said that I wouldn't be allowed to go to church with them or go to their parties unless my girlfriend and I were like engaged because it "wouldn't be appropriate". I thought it was funny and a little insulting.That aside she kept telling me she was getting more and more comfortable and she had told some close friends about us. But I didn't really think that she was as comfortable as she was saying so I tested her by saying I was going to upload some pics us in a summer album on facebook, and she totally freaked out. Which basically confirmed she isn't that comfortable still but she did say she doesn't care about getting caught by her friends if we go out anymore.I can understand that she doesn't want to the whole relationship public and such, but this feels a little abnormal. At first I was willing to go along with it but now it's feeling to be such a drag. I just wonder how long with this will have to go on for because I definitely wouldn't wait until we're engaged for this situation to change. I feel like I'm too old to be hiding around what I'm doing, especially when I don't really care what other people think or say. I really care about her, but it's hard to want to get attached to someone when it feels like they aren't comfortable with the relationship.Any advice?
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female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (29 September 2008):
Why is it that "conservative" people wouldn't like you?
Do you have anti-bush slogans tattooed across your face?
The fact you have to agree to marry someone before they will be seen out in public with you strikes me as a bit odd.
I honestly couldn't be with someone who was so obviously ashamed of me. Do you honestly think this is ever going to get any better? or is she always going to be scared of what a group of people she sees on Sundays think of her.
If you don't think you can take that then you might need to reconsider your relationship.
Good Luck!! xx
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