A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend dated this woman before me, they ended things about a year ago (he says they just dated, and were not in a relationship). In summer, when he first got to know me, she came around asking him to try things again with her, and he told her he wasn't interested. Then a few months passed. Me and him were in a relationship, and she sent him a text telling him she was thinking of him. He told her he's in a relationship. She sent him another text during Christmas, asking him if he wanted to meet up with her after New Years. He asked me what I thought about it. I said I think she wants more, because she texted him at 11pm on 2nd day of Christmas, and the other times she's been in touch with him she wanted more.So he asked her if she was thinking of meeting just as friends. She replied with telling him that she was single, and if he was single then it might be more, but that if he's still in a relationship she'd stick with being friends only. He decided to not meet with her, but kept her as friends on facebook. So last night I told him Im uncomfortable with him keeping her as a "friend", when he's already had to reject her four times, 2 times when he was single, and now two times since he's been in a relationship with me. I asked him to remove her from facebook. Was I right to ask this? I don't like asking him to remove people from his life, but her texting late in the evening and asking if he's single or not makes me uncomfortable.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for your answers. I did tell him that she is an adult, and does not need to have her feelings protected. She knows he's not interested, yet he maintained this illusion of friendship with her which is just working as keeping a window open for her. So she keeps coming back, apparently, and he'll have to turn her down who knows how many times? It's odd that she's not getting the picture after a year, but then again he's probably been too "kind" is his rejection of her... I also told him you know it is not really a friendship, if it wouldn't be okay to bring me along... He admitted he wouldn't have been comfortable introducing me to her.
He did remove her from facebook, but messaged her to let her know why. He told her with things being the way they were, that it was best they went no contact. I also did ask him how he'd feel if I kept my former love interests as "friends" if they weren't over me and kept asking me to go out with them on dates... Of course he didn't like the thought of that, but claims he knows when it's just platonic between himself and other women.. Obviously he's got a blind spot, but I hope now that she's removed she will stop contacting him. I just wish it didn't have to come down to this, but that he'd just end things properly with her once and for all and not try to be her "friend". She's not looking for friendship...
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (5 January 2015):
 Normally, I would say that it's NOT a GF/BF's job to dictate WHOM they partner can talk to. be friends with, but in this case I think you BF actually LIKES the idea of this girl WANTING him so bad and that EGO stroke is why he hasn't removed her from Facebook, it's NOT like they were/are actual friends.
And I understand WHY you felt it was iffy to keep her around. If he really HAS turned her down 3-4 times already and she KEEPS trying, then she ISN'T taking NO for an answer, and honestly, I don't think removing her from Facebook with change THAT fact about her.
I think YOU chose the best option, to OFFER to met her and that he can stay "friends" - now your BF may not have realized that HIM having a girl who with intervals HITS ON HIM might affect you, and thus removing her was HIS choice and HIS solution. Now he may not like that you put him on the spot, but seriously, if you two talk about this again (if HE brings it up, ASK him how he'd feel if the shoe was on the other foot and this was a guy chasing after you and YOU choosing to "keep" him around to not hurt his little feelings...)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2015): His excuse is that he feels bad rejecting her because he knows how bad it feels to be rejected? But supposedly he has rejected her four times already, hasn't he? So if this is the case, why does he now feel bad about it? And apparently it's suddenly okay to spare her feelings at the cost of hurting yours.
Something is not right about this. Are you sure he has drawn a line between them and turned her down in the past? Or is it possible he hasn't and is just telling you that he did?
If supposedly he loves you, has no feelings for her, and has in fact rejected her time and time again, in spite of her insistence, he has no reason to feel badly about marginalizing her, altogether. Since apparently she can't take a hint.
If I were you I'd give him some space to let him think about what he has done. He has NO reason to be mad at you. The only one who has a legitimate reason to be weary of all this and be mad is you. And only you.
I would give him space, give him a little taste of life without you. He shouldn't be putting you in this predicament. He owes you an apology. If he wants to be with you, your relationship does not have room for this third person who is showing no respect for what you two have. And he should not give a rat's ass what this woman thinks about her removal from your lives.
You're in the right so stand your ground. Don't let him manipulate you to think otherwise.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe removed her, but didnt like it. He said if it comes down to choosing loyalty, it was an easy question, but that he felt bad about doing it to her. He said he just wanted to be nice and respectful to her because he knows how much it hurts to be rejected. In truth I never told him to remove her, but he just did after hearing how I felt, and he feels like I forced his hand. I told him he could stay friends with her if she will respect that hes in a relationship and introduce me to her. I think he too knows that this would never happen.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2015): Your boyfriend is very honorable in pushing his ex away each and every time. You should trust him. What difference does it make if she's still his friend on Facebook? Even better, she can see how sweet and in love you and your boyfriend are via your posts. Maybe it will assist her in getting the message sooner.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2015): No harm in that. She is being disrespectful. You are his priority. If she is making you uncomfortable, which she is, then he needs to take greater measures to get the point across that he is not interested. You did nothing wrong in asking that from him. I asked my boyfriend to stop communicating with his ex. Like this girl, she too was always reaching out to him. It was way too often for me to feel comfortable. And she'd send him pictures of herself. Her intention was transparent to me. I asked him to put a stop to it. He told her he didn't feel comfortable communicating with her as he is in a relationship. She "lolled" at this. But she got the message cause we never heard from her again. He wasn't mad at me or thought it was unreasonable. He told me he completely respected how I felt about it. So don't feel bad.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2015): Well you hope if he is an intelligent adult he would remove her himself, unless he quite likes the attention from her either because he does in fact like her back or he just likes the ego boost.
Any respecting guy would put a boundary up in a relationship, maybe ask him how he would feel if things were the other way around.
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A
female
reader, Sincerely Yours +, writes (4 January 2015):
 I can understand your discomfort, and if he truly is not interested in her anymore, then having her on Facebook shouldn't be important. It's obviously not good for her either, because she seems a little obsessively pawning for him. What was his response?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2015): I think you did the right thing,if shes gettimg in the way of a relationshipship then she needs to realise thats not ok hopefully she will get the message. How did he react when you asked him?
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