A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Both my wife and I are in our mid-twenties and have been having this problem since the very beginning. We are of indian / pak descent so please keep that in mind when reading this post. My parents are very traditional - traditional beliefs, etc. Her parents are very westernized / modern.My wife has always had problems with my family from the very beginning and i believe its the other way around too. I think the biggest problem is that they (my wife and mom) are both the same natured and are constantly butting-heads all the time. They both are controlling and have a very short fuse. Usually everything is going ok in the relationship until it has something to do with my folks. My wife feels that they are constantly insulting her. My mom will occasionally say things that my wife takes as a huge personal insult. To me, it is just my mom being annoying like she has all my life so I just ignore her and often don't even notice the things my wife gets so furious about. She expects me to call my mom and yell and scream about everything, like she would do hers. Her whole family is like that and they are always fighting about something. My family is a little more mellow and I never even saw my parents fight my whole life (well maybe once or twice), so there is a big difference in perspectives that I have trouble dealing with.The latest problem was when we borrowed my parents van to move something after they had said no twice (they finally caved in) and it broke down on the road - we had told my parents that we needed to pick up a few things from her parents house which was (70+ miles) away. Since it broke down on the road we had to get it towed back to my parents house and continue to her folks house. The next day, when we talked to my mom about it she made a comment about "maybe the van wasnt meant to go there, just like sometimes people dont want to go somewhere maybe the van didnt want to go that far"... my wife took this as a direct insult to her and her family and told her parents what was said. When i spoke to my mom about the comment that she made she told me that she didnt mean to insult her parents and was just saying that because they told us not to take the van and it broke down. Because of my culture my parents are not going to apologize b/c they believe that they didnt say anything wrong.Now my wife has not spoken to my parents in about a month and we were invited to go there for my cousins birthday for which she started screaming and saying "I am not going over there", in which i responded that "I am going because it is my cousins birthday". We had a day of silence and didnt talk to each other. This morning she started slamming stuff and making noise and started arguing - she packed her bag and was about to leave so i calmly talked to her and told her that i will not go today and will go to my parents house and talk to them on monday (she didnt want me to attend the b-day party so i said i will go monday instead of today or tomorrow). She wants me to tell my parents that they need to call her parents and apologize about what they said and call her and apologize for the last few years and then she will "maybe" talk to them but more than likely she doesnt want anything to do with them. She wants me to break off all relationship with my parents unless they do this. she is under the belief that I am picking my family over hers which I AM NOT doing - i just dont like conflict and want everyone to get along. To add salt to my wounds, her parents call 5-6 times per day and her stepmother is always talking sh*t about us to the people in our community. I dont say anything about her parents and act fine around them when they call or we have to go visit because i am doing that for her.Keep in mind that we are of indian / pak descent and culture before replying. can someone provide some feedback?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2009): what a situation.
i am not being rude towards your wife but please read and hopefully you would be able to make some decisions.
1. the mother in law / daughter in law situations has been conitnuing for centuries. and it will continue for centuries to come. both these women need to COMPROMISE. if they have to be together for a function/just family supper, they need to learn to keep their big mouths shut. BOTH of them. they can be polite without any nastiness or rudeness.
2. your wifes controlling ways - where do i start. kindly tell her that you are the man in the house (she won't agree due to her liberal thinking, but what the heck you can try). tell her that you wear the pants and damn it, you have the balls. she will laugh at you and scorn but who cares. desperate times, require desperate measures. basically identify your role in the house as the MAN.
3.TEL her in no uncertain terms, that you will not choose bet your family and hers. tell both her parents and yours as well. if you are invited to the in laws, go and enjoy yourself. to your parents home, go as well. with or without the lady of the house (your wife). if she refuses to go, tough luck. you go without her. do not back down. EVER.
4. call a meeting with all concerned parties at a neutral venue. tell them to get over themselves, your wife included. tell them let bygones be bygones and because you are now family, YOU expect them to start acting like one. they won't like you taking the firm stand, but you have to.
5. your wife has to learn to grow up. she is acting immature and do not allow her to control you or manipulate you. tell her that you love her, you realise she is upset and that you need her to understand that it this feud continues more problems are going to arise. she needs to learn to forgive and to be the better person.
6. your mum- tell her in no uncertain terms that you will not tolerate her being disrespect to your wife. tell her you do not want to choose. she must not interfere in your marriage and tell her that she must not get excited if/when you and the wife quarrel. don't discuss problems with your wife with your parents they just think they are gaining the upper hand over the daughter in law.
7. the in laws- tell them to butt out. leave you and your wife to live your lives the way you want. hope they are not in your home all the time as well. et boundaries and set them with the wife too. this contanst in law fighting and bad mouthing has to stop .
8. you have many roles to play here. it will be very very difficult but you need to start as mediator, understandable husband, loving son /son in law. show your wife that yu love her, cherish her. try to tell her that you are trying to be reasonable.
9. don't know whther any of the above helps but for now you are in the dog bax, whatever you do. being firm and controlling yourself may be a new side to you but please do not allow anyone to mistreat you. parents included. wife included.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2009): Being of an indian/muslim descend myself - I would not stand for my spouse degrading my parents and dictating whether or not I see my family. Your wife is very controlling. Just remember wives/girlfriend can be replaced but not your parents.If she was adecent woman, she would have avoided a feud by not telling her parents and simply tried to resolve the matter with your parents.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2009): Oh my. You're right in the middle of all sorts of fun, aren't you?
It sounds like your wife is effectively asking you to choose her over your parents. That's an unpleasant dilemma for you, and unfair on her part. There's bad behaviour all around. Your wife comes across as something of a drama queen, and one would really hope that the parents would avoid trash talk.
I'm not a subtle thinker, which is really what you need. My best shot:
You can explain the situation to your parents, ask them to help you make peace in your marriage and do as she asks with the apology. I suspect they wouldn't be willing to go along, and I'm not really sure that they should -- your wife's thin skin means she's sure to take offense at something else down the road, and she'll keep demanding apologies that at some point have to stop coming.
Or -- you talk to your wife and tell her to grow up. That she should respect her elders, who since she married you include your parents. I thought that went with your culture anyway? She should close her ears to the insults, and focus her energies on her marriage, not on reacting to every slight. As the younger person, it's easier for her to change than it is for your parents.
I'm with you in detesting conflict, but it looks like you've got some coming your way whatever you do. Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2009): You and your wife need to come together on this issue and it may take assistance froma third party to help you do this. I suggest finding a family conselor who can walk you both though a discussion and let each of you explore your feelings on this.
Your wife appears to feel as if you are not hearing her, and not protecting her.
You appear to feel that it's simply your parents being the way they are...
The reality is likely somewhere in between. She needs to ease up, and you need to do a bit more to make sure that her feelings are not hurt, but at the same time she needs to grow a bit thicker skin.
You two need to come together and unite on this, and make sure that both sets of parents see you two as an indivisible unit who must be honnored equal to them.
If either sets of parents choose to not behave, I belive that your two need to tell them that you may not be able to spend time with them until they can behave properly. Neither of you needs to be abused, but both of you need to agree on when abuse is happening.
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