A
female
age
41-50,
*icky123
writes:My boyfriend of 2 years is still friends with his ex which he periodically goes and sees. I have never had a problem with this... until he asked her if he could bring me over with him. She said no and that HE was always welcome but not me. Ive done nothing to her except that he's told her he loves me and she wants him back. He told her he sees her as his best mate but that's all.I feel he shouldnt go see her anymore if she's being like this and to just stay in contact via phone. Ive told him I feel disrespected by him if he still visits.He says im being childish and rude expecting him to choose but isnt she being childish and rude? He knows it's just because I have what she wants ... which is him.Am I in the wrong to tell him not to visit?
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reader, Nicky123 +, writes (24 November 2015):
Nicky123 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo ..... update. I told my partner I'm not happy I have to be asking him to but I didn't want him going over to hers anymore and its her or me. He said he didn't want to lose me so he chooses me. However since then hes commented a few times how he doesn't like being told what to do on every disagreement we have. Obviously not happy with his decision to choose me right?
A
female
reader, Nicky123 +, writes (16 November 2015):
Nicky123 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionBig thank you to all replies so far. Big help. Was thinking it was all me being unreadonable so its a relief. Thanks again all much appreciated xx
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (16 November 2015):
 I'm with BimBim - it's disrespectful if him.
He is OK with HER dictating rules, but you can't. That should tell you one thing. She is higher on the totem-pole than you. The fact that she doesn't want to meet you? My guess is, so she can go about deluding herself into thinking she still has a chance to win him back. IF she had to met you, she would HAVE to accept that he has someone else in his life. And he is FEEDING that delusion by saying SURE you don't have to met her! Because HE gets something out of it. Whether it's the idea that you two BOTH want him or that he gets his ego rubbed by two women or that he has a GF and a "spare"... it's hard to say.
Have you ASKED him how he would feel if the shoe was on the other foot? IF you had an ex you visited, who wanted nothing to do with him? HOW would he like them apples? My guess is .... he wouldn't like them at all.
It is funny (not haha) that he tells YOU that YOU are childish and rude to say you find it disrespectful - instead of looking at the bigger picture and see what's going on. That is his way of saying it's not my problem. And what BETTER way to tell a woman to "shut up" about a topic than calling her childish?
I think being friends with an ex CAN work out, but it's rare. People who hold on to exes WHO still carry a torch are not holding on to a friend. It's not the friendship he is getting out of keeping in touch. IT's the ego rub. The fact that SHE still wants him. For two years he didn't press his supposedly "best mate" to met his NEW lady love, because he didn't want to rock the boat.
It's NAIVE of him to think you should just be OK with it.
I guess it's crunch time for you.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (16 November 2015):
 I agree this is disrespectful, but have you thought about what you will do if you tell him not to visit her anymore but he still does?
This woman is playing some sort of power game, and your boyfriend is letting her .... is his behaviour a deal breaker? Only you know the answer to that!
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A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (16 November 2015):
 No, I don't think you are wrong. It has to be fair doesn't it. It sounds like he is being controlled, or wanting his cake and eat it.
The big question is, if you did ask him to choose, would it be you? Are you prepared to gamble in a me-or-her situation?
Personally I would because I think he needs to be clear that you are the focus of his life. In which universe does he think what he is doing is acceptable behaviour?
I say it's make your mind up time for him. I hope he is man enough to see which way is right side up.
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